Couch 227 - The Safe Couch

I have an appointment next week with New T, Dr. K. I'm starting to get nervous. Like what if he thinks I'm just a waste of time?

LT, you initiated the apology for your own reasons. He didn’t ask for it and for all you know didn’t expect it. You don’t control what he does with the apology, whether he accepts it or not or says it’s unnecessary. Maybe he feels that he should honor your email and the self-awareness you showed in it by accepting the apology. Why not just accept it’s done and move on? Adult relationship, remember?

Except apologising for something when you aren't really sorry (and instead want the person to respond by saying "no apology is necessary") does not demonstrate self-awareness. Accepting and moving on does LT a real disservice because she loses the opportunity to explore what happens for her in these tricky interactions, regardless of what he does with LT's apology.

Not quite. I think the first stage is for him to consider whether it is useful to you for him to share his response to you or if he would be sharing it out of self-interest. I don't think it would be shared hypothetically, but it would be shared in a way which doesn't assume right/wrong. For example, during an extended silence, my therapist broke the silence to tell me that her thoughts had wandered and she had found herself thinking about something unrelated to me. She said this had never happened before. She asked if this was mirroring what was happening for me - was I finding it hard to stay present? Do I seek situations where disconnection can happen in order that I can avoid connection? I think the idea of where responses come from is only part of the story, it's also about how our current relationships are impacted, what happens to our internal world, and so on.

I am using my therapist as an example with some hesitation because she has a history of sharing/responding really harshly and unhelpfully. Although, she has become much more careful recently.

I really didn't feel like adulting today. I was laying in the lazyboy before work literally telling myself affirmations to get my butt up and go to work. It worked because I did in fact come to work and I have been working and doing things at my job. But I really wanted to stay home, and take a nap and make some Dabo bread and watch TV. I still want to be doing those things. It is hard to force myself to adult today.

I have an appointment next week with New T, Dr. K. I'm starting to get nervous. Like what if he thinks I'm just a waste of time?

Except apologising for something when you aren't really sorry (and instead want the person to respond by saying "no apology is necessary") does not demonstrate self-awareness. Accepting and moving on does LT a real disservice because she loses the opportunity to explore what happens for her in these tricky interactions, regardless of what he does with LT's apology.

I think my BF might be finally starting to “get” my mental health stuff.

Last night we were talking about how I feel insecure about our relationship sometimes, and he said, “babe, you have no reason to feel insecure.” And I said, “I know. This is not necessarily about reason. This is about me feeling a particular way despite knowing that the feeling is unreasonable. This can happen when children grow up in an environment with volatile adults — in childhood, it was adaptive for me to be extremely sensitive and reactive to other people’s moods. Even though that behaviour is no longer useful to me, it is now hard-wired.”

And he started to say, “just try to think positively,” which is something he has said before in these sorts of situations, but I put my hand over his mouth and said, “[BF’s name]. Listen to me. I am very smart and very capable.” And he wriggled his mouth free and said, “I know that!” but I put my hand back over his mouth and said, “if it were that easy, I would have done it already.” And then he shut up and I saw a look of dawning comprehension in his eyes.

He was quiet for a bit, and then asked, “so what can I do to help you feel less insecure?” I said, “I don’t think that you need to do anything differently at baseline. But when I come to you and say, “[BF], I am having one of those moments when I am feeling insecure about our relationship,” it would be helpful if you could reassure me that things are okay then and pat me on the head, and then I will feel better.” He said, “aww” and squeezed me. I said, “is that something you’re willing to do?” And he said yes.

I dunno; we’re certainly not all the way there, but it feels like a start.

It’s not snowing here. Also I saw galoshes tucked under her desk.

She told me to watch some movie called “The Kid” starring Bruce Willis. Never heard of it, has anyone?

True--but the thing is, this guy has never committed to being the kind of therapist who has an interest in exploring emotions. He's been straight from the beginning about that. So it'd be fair to bash a therapist like Info for missing something like that, but this guy doesn't do that kind of emotional-why analysis regularly as far as I can tell. We might want him to, but we have no reason to expect that he do it.

atisketatasket, did we just agree about something?! I have been out in the sun today, I must have sunstroke. Do excuse me, normal business will resume shortly.

I know this is so stupid and that other people have worse problems than this and I shouldn't even be bothering anybody with it.

I had a bit of an epiphany while suds-ing up my hair. since I'll never be good enough for her, I really don't need to keep trying to be, do I? Once I actually stop hoping that she'll change, hoping that I will finally be good enough for her, I will finally be FREE to be MYSELF. Holy freaking carp.

I feel like dancing.

I am in a post-committee chair report writing daze and am not responsible for my own behavior.

Respectfully submitted,
ATAT

atisketatasket, did we just agree about something?! I have been out in the sun today, I must have sunstroke. Do excuse me, normal business will resume shortly.