Good Examples

So today I was meeting with my therapist and out of session contact came up. Those of you who know me know that I almost universally think that out of session contact with the therapist spells trouble. What I appreciated about my therapist’s offer to reach out to him was that he set explicit boundaries around it. “You are going through a really hard time right now because we’re doing some really intense work, so if you feel like you need to reach out to me for support this weekend I’m okay with that. In a few months, though, when we’ve stabilized the ship, if you texted me on Saturday I’d tell you that I’d talk to you on Monday.”

That got me thinking. I feel like on this forum a lot of people come in with their horror stories, which is completely valid. There are some God awful therapists out there. But not all of them are. So my question is can you think of times that your therapist did something right? I think talking about when things go well can serve as an example to what things should look like for someone who may be struggling.

My therapist is a very genuine, caring woman. Her intention itself is "right." She's 70 years old and has plenty of life experience. I believe her, and I believe in her. My only complaints about her are that she forgets details easily, and occasionally she takes time off on very short notice.

My therapist shows understanding and compassion even when I have lashed out unjustly at her when dysregulated.

She could have quit being my therapist, or replied defensively. She also could sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened, if she was conflict averse.

Instead, she points it out and invites me to discuss the triggers that start the lashing out, and works with me on what I can do so that I don't lash out.

As she knows I've intense shame about me lashing out, she also points out I'm pushing myself to attend therapy to learn how to break this harmful pattern. Unlike my perpetrators who have no interest in changing in order to stop being harmful.

She also didn't shut down my disagreement when I said I don't lash out with anyone else in my life, but only with her due to the particular triggers within our therapeutic relationship.

Due to a fear I expressed based on how I fear I have the potential to be abusive, she also assured me she would not allow herself to be a verbal/emotional punching bag, and that should I ever cross the line, she would not tolerate it. That helped me feel safer.

He always owns up to his own mistakes. He admits if he's done something wrong and shows me how you can work with criticism. He's aware of the things he's said and doesn't try to talk his way out of it. If I accuse him of something that's not correct, he'll gently tell me what he intended to say and explore why the misunderstanding might have happened.

The other thing I always find he's doing really well is working with my fear of abandonment. I have found that with a lot of people, when I tell them "I'm scared you're going to leave me", they'll tell me that "they'd never do that" and I'm sure in the moment they mean it. While my T has always reassured me that he'd not suddenly abandon me if possible, he's also made sure to teach me that I really don't need him to be there, that if something were to happen I could deal with it and move on. It really helps that he's trying to teach me that worst come to worst, I don't need anyone to be there and am strong enough myself to pull through.

She wears really nice jumpers.

A few times when I couldn't get "grounded" enough at the end of session T would let me use another office to regroup and get myself together before having to drive home or drive to work. Once I stayed for a couple of hours. She didn't mind at all.

Last time I saw her I opened up allot about some trauma and health issues. She was very understanding and helped me leave grounded and feeling safe. She always has taken the time to fully understand and have allot of compassion.

When I have needed to call her out of sessions she has always stayed on the phone and listened. She has never rushed or ingored me like my ex-t did.

Her office is a safe place for me. Right now she is away from the office because of a covid19 outbreak at the clinic. I don't mind waiting to see her in a couple weeks.

During the time I have been seeing her I have had two tragic events happen (my daughter was assaulted and the sudden loss of long term T. Both times she showed such care and compassion. She was there between appointments to talk and support me through.

She initially mishandled the appointment after my kiddos attack. When I talked to her on the phone the next day she handled it well. She listened to everything as I rambled and cried. She admitted at the end of my appointment she realized she had tried using CBT when she really should have been listening and supporting.. She had something at the end of the appointment but I was already so upset that I didn't really hear her. She apologized a lot and thanked me for trusting her enough to say something. She also thanked me for not waiting until my next appointment as she felt it was somethigndo important. She encouraged me to always say something if she hurts me as that is never her intention.

When my first T was planning to retire, he brought it up a year in advance. We spent the first 10 minutes of every session talking about what I wanted and felt I needed in a new T. He introduced me to my current T about 2 months before he retired. I felt like I was in control of the change, but not burdened by it. My current T is amazing.

It doesn't feel like my T judges me for my past episodes of badness. She actually wants me to get past it, but I think it might be dangerous. She calmely listens to my repetitive comments and thinks about it. She also openly says when she doesn't know something or feels she lacks expertise in some area. E.g. she told me last session to see a psychiatrist, she spent a lot of time trying to push towards that very gently, because she feels she cannot diagnose me, because some of my symptoms are outside of her practical field of experience. Probably she also wants me to take drugs if needed and wants the door to that already partly opened.

I think number 1 positive is that my Ts tell the truth above all else. They are also very clear, direct, and open. Number 2, they don't make future promises. They'll say things like it's their "intention", but never promise. Number 3 is that they won't abandon me. They might move, get sick, or die, but they won't abandon me. Number 4 is that they allow me to come as I am. No matter what I'm feeling, thinking, or my state, they accept me wholeheartedly. Number 5, they truly care about me and my well-being. Number 6, they support my decisions and acknowledge that I know myself best. Even if I wanted to go back to T or find another T, they'll be there for me.

There are so many more, but I think those are the top 6.

I think honesty on their part is essential. T believes in total transparency. I never relizated how much it helps with my ability to trust.

WV T- reminded me every session that she was in my corner. That if I was ever IP she'd fight for me (not to get out but have the best care). That we were a team. She wasn't working again me and I try remembering that every therapy session no matter who the T is that they are on my side.