Couch 228--The Wellness Couch

Pretty earrings, chihiro.

Hi couchies,

Bad news about the friend I live with. Her health issues are worse and she's going into hospital in July. Eventually she's going to need a wheelchair, and monthly immunoglobulin therapy.

She's rehoming her 3 beloved cats because she's not going to be able to care for them until they die. She's got next to no savings, her income doesn't meet her needs, and eventually she'll be unable to work.

Our country's disability security net is a joke - she needs to be unable to perform 3 out of 6 activities of daily life, and even then the payout is little and time limited.

I hope her social worker keeps advocating for her with regards to other forms of public assistance for living expenses, her recurring medical expenses,a suitable wheelchair.

Feel like you're screwed if you don't have family to help, which of course she doesn't have.

Complex trauma is the curse that keeps on giving, seriously.

Oh man, QM. That's terrible news.

I hope she's able to get some support, however small it might be.

I feel so useless. I couldn't have left my abusive family if she had not opened her place to me.

There's nothing much I can do to help. I'm just trying to be available if/when she wants to talk. She doesn't do feelings (I respect that, I don't probe) but she did express frustration about how it's really tiring to always have to be strong because she's no other choice. She's talked a little about the rehoming.

I'll be getting some supermarket vouchers from a friend. It won't solve her long-term needs, and I see why she's rehoming the cats. Even that is difficult despite how she's not taking an adoption fee, as she needs to assess each offer to see if there's a good fit.

Cat groups in our area can be very harsh to people seeking rehoming, they basically interrogate about the "validity" of reasons. Not to be bitter and of course animal welfare is important, but there's so much more care towards the pets compared to the human(s) in need.If the human owner was given help, maybe they'll be able to keep their pets you know?

She hesitated but eventually made the rehoming post because yeah, she'll eventually be fully disabled.

The calico would best being the only cat in the household. Despite having the other 2 around for years, she marks with urine lol. She's 11, and the most intelligent. Tries to sneak into my room and various other games. She's going to get the most offers because she's really pretty.

My favourite of the 3, he's also 11. Black, slow to trust, but incredibly affectionate once he trusted me. He's sleeping on my bed now, snoring and relaxed. Not very smart but can be trained with patience.

The 3rd is a ginger gray tabby. Least adoptable - it's the most unwanted stray breed. She's like 5 years old but has chronic ptsd and/or anxiety. Extremely skittish, doesn't like most humans. Friend is one of the truly rare souls who can carry her in her arms.

I care about my friend's well-being of course. Just trying to let go of my attachment to the cats.

Currently she's tried to apply for some other government schemes for help but got denied. Our social safety network is so patchy and piecemeal. The application processes can be quite insensitive, really. I was asked what exactly gave me PTSD and had to justify why I can't go to my abusive family for help when I needed help with bills for my wisdom teeth stuff.

That sounds so difficult, QM. Is it possible you could take on the care of the black cat? And will she be keeping her place, like will you be able to continue living there?

And I'm sure she appreciates your just being there and listening.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Does she think it was an adverse reaction to the vaccine she got recently?

Has she been able to update her social worker?

C it was so lovely of you to get gifts for everyone. I can imagine how bittersweet everything is.

Of potential interest, @@

I can care for the cats when she goes to the hospital for the 1 week stay. I've been their sitter for 3 days in the past.

She'll keep her place, so I can continue to live there, but it's really up in the air until after her tests are reviewed by the neurologist. I know her eventual plan will be to live with her god sister and renting out the whole place as a unit so she has some income to live on. So it depends on her prognosis.

The rental market is also getting expensive, the amount I pay her is on the low end. Also, I can cook and in addition to a higher rent, it's not common for landlords to allow tenants to cook anything. The ability to cook saves me a solid chunk of money. So I'm honestly worried about how I'd afford living expenses if I've no choice but to move out. Especially as covid drags on.

Another reason for now that I'm less depressed, my anxiety is high again, and I'm going to push my partner to be more realistic on me working part-time.

We've had so many (not heated) arguments. I've been wanting to work, I just back down each time because he starts having panic attacks, says he can't handle the stress if I even mention that desire.

So sometime back, I told him since he's the one "refusing" to let me work, then he should help me pay my rent. He said yes several months ago, but never did it.

I mention that fact, he got triggered, says I still have savings, I shouldn't use him for money, that I've more savings than him. He has a house and a car and a solid income. I have nothing except my savings, and about 6 boxes of my belongings. Why should I drain my life savings, while I get anxiety attacks from that, just to ensure he doesn't panic? When even a part time job with decent pay and hours will help me feel less anxious?

I know his mum will see me as a gold digger (she's implied) but I'm not refusing to work. Shouldn't he get professional help? I'm not the one refusing therapy. I work hard in and outside therapy. I'm sick with worry about my functioning even though T says I need to learn to rest and relax and not over compensate with "being useful". I use "beer money" sites, freelance when I can. Pennies per hour when a part time job is at least $7/hour if he'd just be more realistic. Everyone wants a work from home job, I'm sure. Me too. But hell, they either pay badly or are really stressful.

Heck, swab testers are paid more than 2x per hour than my best paid full-time job. Yeah I'm going to push. Sorry for the long rant.

Hnm, not sure if it's a vaccine adverse effect, I did ask but she's unsure. I think she's not yet updated her social worker as she's waiting until she's got clear information. Eg the memo after the tests determine stuff and the necessary treatment.

To give her social worker credit, a few years ago when it became clear her condition(s) were affecting her nerves significantly, he used the memo (from the same neurologist) to do whatever he could to "automatically" renew some financial assistance. He put in extra time and effort to save her some interviews and visits to various agencies.

QM, i really dont understand what your partner's panic attacks have to do with anything. They are acting like your parents in order to control you? What is their motivation? Support or restraint?

I know right? Quick summary would be supportive in a really misguided way.

I get why my partner is afraid, I was actively self harming, extremely suicidal in my last job, with poor management and some very entitled stakeholders, and I just kept working. So I burned out. Partner is really scared I'll permanently fry my brain.

But it honestly wasn't just the job, it was my parents too, and seeing my perpetrator sibling every day. I couldn't even sound sad or stressed, I had to suppress my feelings. I would get berated for never telling them anything but anything I shared got me criticised etc.

I know my partner is trying to be supportive but yes they're restraining me out of their (perhaps irrational) fear. I'm honestly much better in my current living situation even though yes I'm experiencing huge complex ptsd. And work or help with bills would help me.

Last night or something, I said I got my 1st vaccine jab and we need to schedule a talk soon about me finding work. They apologised to me, saying they'd promised me the money yet had not kept the promise, and that they realise it's unfair to me. We've set a date in the next few days.

I'll hold them to it. I understand I've dysfunctional traits of my own but I hold myself accountable and work on them.

Today I'm wearing a blanket like a cape, and wishing my brain would slow down.

Hugs, QM. I hope your roommate gets good news.


Why are tenants not usually allowed to cook? Is it, say, fear of them setting a fire? Cooking smells? I'm just curious.

With your partner, could you make some sort of deal that you can try having a job for x amount of time (3 months, 6 months, something like that), and if it's causing you too much stress, then you'll leave it? It just doesn't seem fair or right that he's restricting your working over fear of how it would affect you. When your living situation is much different now than it was before.

Hugs all around to those who want.

I had 3 separate dreams about L/therapy last night.

Hugs, Lost

Legally, the easier option to get approval to rent is the landlord staying in the unit.

More difficult option is renting out the whole unit but living elsewhere.

Most landlords live with family in the same unit, so they want the kitchen to just be for the family's use. Instead of having to schedule routines with the tenant(s), so usually they don't allow the tenants to cook. They can boil water in a kettle for instant noodles, nothing else.

If tenants are allowed to cook - my situation, or in most cases, the whole unit being rented out - I'm not exactly sure why the rent tends to be higher. Maybe because neighbours can and do complain about cooking smells, and I think my friend ever mentioned oil splatters over time on the walls...? And if allowed to cook, tenants must be given a fair amount of dedicated kitchen space, fridge space etc that the landlord can't use.

There used to be 3 of us, so I stayed in the living room for a few months in exchange for a lower rent. The other tenant didn't cook but she got her dedicated kitchen spaces. We negotiated a higher rent when she moved, and I took her room. Partly because no one wanted to rent the room with me in the living room!

Oh that's a really good idea on negotiating a job for x amount of time and leaving if it's too stressful. I'll put it on my list so I don't forget!

I know past conflicts have also involved him being afraid I'd stay even in a bad job, but I'm honestly different now and can assure him. I really can't pull the long hours and high stress I used to do. I'd be happy with like 20ish hours a week? (Part time here is up to 35 hours a week.)

Hugs, Lost.

HUGS Lost

Quietmind, you don't have to negotiate anything about your life choices. You need money so you need a job, that's the end of it. What is there to negotiate? Frankly, it's none of your partner's business. However, if you don't want a job and you find it convenient to hide behind your partner's attempt to control your decisions, that's a different matter. I say this without judgement and as someone who hates work and seizes upon the slightest chance to not work. Anyway, whether you do paid work or not, I think the important thing is that you are deciding and you are making the right decisions for you.

Also, if you don't do paid work, you are still working in other ways. Therapy itself is work and it's tiring, although of course these kinds of abstract work commitments are not paid. They should be. I would be a millionaire.

Well, I can now say I've had a session with my therapist in between his going to a funeral and sitting shiva.* (Yeah, I feel a little weird about that.) He was originally going to meet with me this evening (had to cancel due to the funeral this morning, I was struggling due to some stuff from Wednesday's session, plus some stuff going on in life, he offered session), but then texted to say he had a bit of free time this afternoon. He told me at the end that he thought he'd have to meet in the evening due to sitting shiva, but then the schedule worked out that he had some free time in between.

Session was really helpful--he took responsibility for what he said Wednesday about rescheduling other clients (from today), but being unsure about rescheduling me. And he said it apparently set off my "pain in the ***** alarm," where I was worried about being a burden to him. And he said if he'd explained differently then, maybe I wouldn't have been so negatively affected. Which I agreed with. I said how it's like it set off this rejection reaction in me that was difficult to turn off.

I expressed how I felt bad after asking him for a session, that once he offered me one, I felt like I should cancel. He said that it was his choice to offer one. That if he offered it without wanting to and then was upset with me for taking it and expressed that to me, if he were in my place, he'd have said, "You're a grown man. You're 50 years old. You can make your own choices." Which I appreciated.

He also said it had been very inconsistent for me lately, with meeting in person Monday for the first time in 15 months, then the next session was virtual and he told me at the start of that how he'd have to cancel the following session.

It just felt like he got it, what I was experiencing. And it all made me feel better. I'd had this fear this would all turn into a rupture, and that fear is calmed now.

*Jewish custom where for a few days/up to a week after a funeral, friends and relatives take turns sitting with the bereaved at their house to provide support (I'm not Jewish, but H's close friend who died was, so I've become familiar with the tradition, which I think is a nice one).

So glad it went well LT! I'm glad your fear is calmed now. That would be horrible to have that hanging over your head going into the weekend. I'm glad T could meet with you earlier too. HUGS Kit

I wish I could feel relief. I emailed my therapist about stuff between us and he hasn't responded. Ugh. We're supposed to meet in the morning before he goes away for two weeks (we're going to have phone sessions while he's gone, but it's not the same thing). Feeling nervous about it and it would be helpful if he'd just respond with anything.

I'm glad you averted a rupture, LT.

Helen (new cat) is doing better. She is taking her medicine like a champ now and last night she slept on my lap for about 45 minutes while I was in the living room. Introducing her to Amelia didn't go so well. Amelia was scared and wanted out of there. Helen just looked at her and didn't respond. I rewarded Amelia for meeting Helen with food but she's been pretty scarce around the house since she realized she's not the only cat there. She did sniff under Helen's door this morning which I took as a good sign.


Helen just wants to stay in her safe zone in the spare bedroom but I have to work on getting her to find safe zones in other areas of the house, particularly because my sister is coming for my birthday at the end of the month and Helen will need to vacate the room. So I have been trying to help her explore the house. I think it's hard with the Elizabeth collar on. She bumps into stuff and then backs up awkwardly and then starts again. Unfortunately, the Elizabeth collar can't come off until the 24th so she still has a ways.


This weekend I plan to work on Helen getting out of the room more, since I won't be at work. I plan to make that my number 1 priority. And she didn't make as big of a mess with her litter last night. She still managed to get a fair bit out of the box but it wasn't as huge of a pile as it was the past two days. So she's coming along. The nap on my lap was the best last night! Rarely would Esther sit with me on my lap like that. And Amelia has done so infrequently, usually in the morning when no one else is up. But for Helen to do so when Mom and Dad and Emma were in the room too was pure gold.