[Brown Owl 2]

I’m seeing a new T. I told her about a rupture with a previous T. In the rupture painful feelings were triggered by a combination of my contact with other people in my T’s life, who I crossed paths with when I saw the T for sessions at her home, by being kept waiting for a session and then my session finishing on time, and my T switching my regular time to suit another. My new T said that the T couldn’t have known these things would trigger me, as I didn’t speak up about it (until after) and I am more sensitive than other clients. I said I feel that a T has the responsibility to make therapy safe for a client, and that this T didn’t do that for me. I also said it’s hard for clients to speak up, and that many clients try therapy and give up. My new T didn’t agree with me, I don’t think this idea of a T being responsible for making the therapy relationship safe made sense to her.

[Salmon77]

I think you're both right to an extent—yes, a T should try to create an environment where clients will feel safe. But new T is right that nobody can control all factors in an environment and nobody can predict how any given person will react to things.

I'd also say, sometimes those painful feelings need to be brought forth and worked through for progress to happen.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

I think you're both right to an extent—yes, a T should try to create an environment where clients will feel safe. But new T is right that nobody can control all factors in an environment and nobody can predict how any given person will react to things.

I'd also say, sometimes those painful feelings need to be brought forth and worked through for progress to happen.

I would agree with this. My T has done some things that have inadvertently hurt me, including very recently. Sometimes, he has seemed surprised or puzzled. More recently, he seems to understand why they hurt me, and has said that he should have worded things differently. Or that as soon as it came out of his mouth, he realized I might react negatively.

I think the important thing is to tell the T when it happens, if possible (like, "that thing you said upset me") or as soon after the fact as you can. How they respond to it is important, like if they're defensive vs. apologetic or something in between.

I imagine maybe you were bothered by her saying you were more sensitive than most clients? I've been bothered by similar comments by my T in the past. He's said he's just making an observation, doesn't mean it to be critical or negative. So it may just be that your current T was noting how maybe most clients would not be bothered by seeing family members of T (note: I would be bothered, or at least affected, by that as well). So your T might not immediately think "I need to keep family members away from clients." And some clients are more affected by the timing of their session than others, like having a time set for them.

So with your new T, if there are specific things that tend to trigger you, I'd suggest talking to her about them in advance. You mentioned seeing family members--does it also bother you if she talks about them, for example? If that's the case, better to let her know in advance (and then if she slips up and mentions, gently remind her). Or if you really find it important to keep a set session time.

I will say that I think most any client would be bothered by starting late and still ending on time. I mean, if it was 2 minutes or something, maybe it wouldn't be a big deal, but if it was 10 minutes or more (maybe even 5), that's a big part of the session. When my T had to start 5 minutes late recently, I asked if we could go 5 minutes later than usual, and he agreed to that. So it's good to speak up at the time, like "Hey, we started late, can I have x more minutes?"

Hope this was somewhat helpful and that it works out with your new T.

[Favorite Jeans]

I agree that it’s only fair to give you the time you pay for and when they’re late taking you, they should make up the time at the end.

But the bigger issue (maybe) is why does the new T feel the need to take a side or pronounce on who is right here? Can they not just hear where you’re coming from and try to honour your feelings? Why do they feel the need to agree or disagree with you? It seems to me that their job is to try to understand you.

[Brown Owl 2]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

I agree that it’s only fair to give you the time you pay for and when they’re late taking you, they should make up the time at the end.

But the bigger issue (maybe) is why does the new T feel the need to take a side or pronounce on who is right here? Can they not just hear where you’re coming from and try to honour your feelings? Why do they feel the need to agree or disagree with you? It seems to me that their job is to try to understand you.

I would have found it helpful if she had focused on trying to understand, it did feel that she took the other therapists side as she made no comment on the therapists part in it, only on mine. When I was seeing the old T, I carried on seeing her after the rupture. That T was quite analytical and gave me an analysis of why I had the emotional reaction that I did, and I felt shame at the time. It was only later that I looked back on it and thought that perhaps the way the T dealt with the rupture wasn’t quite right as it felt in a way that all the ‘blame’ for the rupture rested with me. I guess I feel that the new T took that approach too.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl 2

I would have found it helpful if she had focused on trying to understand, it did feel that she took the other therapists side as she made no comment on the therapists part in it, only on mine. When I was seeing the old T, I carried on seeing her after the rupture. That T was quite analytical and gave me an analysis of why I had the emotional reaction that I did, and I felt shame at the time. It was only later that I looked back on it and thought that perhaps the way the T dealt with the rupture wasn’t quite right as it felt in a way that all the ‘blame’ for the rupture rested with me. I guess I feel that the new T took that approach too.

I do agree with this as well. I had only been seeing my current T for a few months when I had a major rupture with my former marriage counselor ("ex-MC"). It felt initially like he was blaming me for the rupture, like, "Well, most therapists would probably act similarly to your email." It really hurt. Because it felt like he was taking his side (didn't help that he knew him professionally and even used to work in the same office as him).

Over the few years since then, my T has very much changed his tune about ex-MC, as I've filled in more things about the relationship. Now he seems very negative about him and has said he's trying very hard to not make similar mistakes with me (such as inconsistent and fuzzy boundaries). Because he wouldn't want me to end up hurt in the same way.

I appreciate all that very much. But I really wish he'd believed me more in the beginning and validated my feelings better.

I think it could help to talk to your current T about how what she said made you feel. How it feels like she's blaming you and siding with your former T. See what she says and how you feel about it.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl 2

I’m seeing a new T. I told her about a rupture with a previous T. In the rupture painful feelings were triggered by a combination of my contact with other people in my T’s life, who I crossed paths with when I saw the T for sessions at her home, by being kept waiting for a session and then my session finishing on time, and my T switching my regular time to suit another. My new T said that the T couldn’t have known these things would trigger me, as I didn’t speak up about it (until after) and I am more sensitive than other clients. I said I feel that a T has the responsibility to make therapy safe for a client, and that this T didn’t do that for me. I also said it’s hard for clients to speak up, and that many clients try therapy and give up. My new T didn’t agree with me, I don’t think this idea of a T being responsible for making the therapy relationship safe made sense to her.

I don't approve of your new T at all.

[Brown Owl 2]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I don't approve of your new T at all.

Thanks, that’s validating. I’m glad others think the same as me.