Couch 230: Decent Communications

Thanks LT. It's hard to look for a T when you are in a heightened level of crisis. It's too much to think about. I did let Pastor T know about the SH and he said the answer (to what question I don't know) is to just start again. He could potentially be helpful but I don't know that I am up for all the memorization of scripture and extra stuff you have to do with him. I could probably see former Saturday T but I'm not sure how helpful she would be. She's too scattered and half brained sometimes it drives me crazy. She's nice, she just isn't maybe the most competent. I looked at the T list that case manager Kayla gave me and some are pretty far away but I imagine some might be willing to do virtual which is what I do with Dr. K anyway. I don't even know where his office is. I know the general street but that's it. I'm not sure I'm ready for Betterhelp or 7cups or something like that because of the frequent suicidal idealation. It seems like that would be contraindicated but maybe that is my own bias. I've never tried them. I'll keep trying my support people as needed, look over the Kayla list and if I have to go into the crisis walk in center though I am loathe to do that because there are always people messed up on drugs there and it's not a restful sort of place. But they do let you stay for 23 hours. So it's sort of like expedited IP. And then of course I have you guys! Who would have thought I would have picked a T that only works two days a week after having picked a T that only worked 1 day a week. I wish former T (not Saturday T) would take me back. That would solve all of my problems. Except for all the transference. Ha.

I think he probably means “start another streak of not self-harming again.”

I don’t know how you do it (and I’m not asking in case it triggers anyone) but whatever it is, perhaps remove easy access to it.

Also, Kit, if you don't hear back from pdoc, could you just refill the lower dose of your med? I'm not sure of its form--if it's a capsule, you probably couldn't do this. Or if extended release. But if a regular tablet, maybe you could take one and a half. Or at least taking the lower dose could maybe help keep you from any sort of withdrawal symptoms until you can get in touch with pdoc.

Yup, continously without placebo pills. Come to think of it, I've never heard of them having placebo pills in my country, but am highly aware the USA and some other countries have them. Wonder why.

Doctors here (who aren't gynaecologists lol!) can have different opinions on the "necessity" of periods. I've had a GP and my former psychiatrist tell me it's needed or there would be a “backlog” or that no periods is bad for health.

Thankfully my psychiatrist understands having a period or breakthrough bleeding with cramps, wrecks my well-being. The gynaecologist was like "Yep, your psychiatrist is right to tell you to see a gynaecologist."

I've learned that I'm not "over dramatic" when I say my period gives me suicidal thoughts, intense irritability and anger (which affect relationships!), and a ton of physical pain. That it's a medical problem that deserves to be taken seriously. Even if it doesn't really fit PMDD because it happens during my period.

After (long-distance) BF and I watched TV and video chatted last night, I sent him a text message about how it's hard being apart and I miss the emotional intimacy that was so easy when we lived together. I wondered if we could maybe try to talk about more stuff when we video chat, like maybe he could tell me more about his life before we met or something like that. (I texted this because I wasn't sure how to say it right verbally.)

He "loved" the messages and texted me a "good morning" message and sent "I miss you" gif and played his turn at Words with friends. But he didn't reply, which just like, come on dude. I don't want to bust his 'nads or like be an annoying GF or whatever, but if we can't talk about stuff then this isn't gonna work.

I dunno how to reply; obv I won't start with that last sentence I just wrote here, but I'm trying to find the balance between haranguing him and stating my wants/desires. I'm also trying to work out whether or not this will work... what I actually need (love, respect) vs what I may or may not need (long talks about warm fuzzy stuff) vs things that would be nice but are not deal-breakers (performative hair).

Is it possible he thought he didn't need to say anything in response until your next video chat or that he thought loving the messages was the same as saying he loved the idea? I don't see that he's saying no, but you seem to think so?

Yeah, @@, I think you’re right. Now that I’ve sat with it for a bit, I realize he probably is coming from the perspective that he didn’t completely ignore it (i.e. “loved” the texts) and we’ll do the actual talking next time we video chat.

Oof. I’m working hard to be less reactive, but it it’s slow work.

I got a hold of my pdoc's office today since he did not call me back yesterday. The lady I spoke to said I should have had one prescription on file from before the last visit so I had to explain to her that those were 40 mg and I am now taking 60 mg. So she looked in my file and saw what I was talking about and she said she would take care of it for me. I looked in all my prescriptions and I found one bottle of Latuda 60 mg which would almost get me through to seeing him (like a week short) so at least I am not in dire need and there is time to fix it. I'm glad I got through to them today and that they can get it fixed and I'm glad I have another bottle so I won't run out if the pharmacy has to order it or something like that.

I think you are right @@ about what Pastor T meant. I have trouble when people don't put things in context for me. It makes it really hard to figure out what they mean.


I'll see him on Saturday at the food distribution and he will probably ask how I am. Which is a difficult question. I didn't spiral. It was one incident. yeah I have to start counting all the way over but I'm not where I was 18 months ago. But I don't really know how I am feeling. I have a couple of days to come up with my answer, hopefully one that satisfies him. I know he cares about my well being. I know he still loves me (which is okay as he is my pastor too not just a T) and he says he "hurts with me" which I didn't really understand but I guess he means he was sympathetic towards what I was going through? I'm not sure. Anyway, I took it positively.


I've been talking to my support people and even a broader network of my friends that I don't lean on as often because they are out of the area. It's been good to have them supporting me through this and it is helping since I can't get in to see T sooner unless he miraculously has a cancellation next Monday or Tuesday. And I am particularly thankful for everyone on the couch who has been supportive of me and is helping me process stuff.

And, I'm proud of myself that I didn't spiral. One and done. Get back on the horse and try again.

I don't feel like working today. I've been putting in lots of OT lately, although I'm salaried so it's not paid, and I'm just over it right now. I need a day at the beach or something.

Could you call in sick and take a mental health day? At my work we have personal days that can be used for anything so sometimes I use those for mental health days. Hang in there. But take care of yourself too.

Some of my students called my chair and complained that my comments on their writing were "hurtful." Nevada multiple students were involved, I strongly believe this to have been coordinated by another faculty member. In any case, I am quite angry with my chair because she fell all over herself apologizing on my behalf. She now wants me to apologize.

I have no doubt some students' feelings were hurt by my comments, but they were factual statements, not attacks on their character. "Your writing is not up to graduate- level standards." "It doesn't seem like you've made any changes in response to the suggestive I made on the first draft." Sure, it would hurt to read these things, but they are not, in themselves, hurtful comments.

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I think any feedback that doesn't include something like "idiot" or "moron" is by definition not hurtful.

I've got a grad seminar in the fall, which means papers, which I hate grading for exactly the kind of situations your comments reference.

HUGS @MobiusPsyche I agree with what you wrote, those are not hurtful comments. I've had much worse comments when I was in grad school (and I consistently got A's except economics where I got an A-) but I took the criticism constructively to make my writing better, although it seems to have gotten worse since I've been out of school. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this and I hope that you will be okay.

Today is my last day of live chat until end of August! woohoo. It's been verrrrry slow all day today, I've had only 8 chats since 5 am (it's almost 1 pm now where I am). Makes the day go by really slowly except today, I've been writing in my therapy journal between chats, so that has made the time go by more quickly. (I wear my headset so I can hear the alert tone and know when I have a chat so I don't miss one.) Much thinking/writing I've been doing after last week's session, so I have much to share with L again tomorrow.

Today work was horrible. It's 107 degrees and I have a headache and I'm grumpy. I need a fairy godmother to conjure dinner tonight, blah.

Hugs all around the couch. Good thoughts for our non-huggers.

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HUGS @StressedMess your fairy godmother should also do the dishes tonight!

I was feeling on the verge of getting a panic attack. So I stopped what I was doing and did some deep breathing. I still feel panicky but it seemed to have lessened. I'm not entirely sure what I am panicky about.


I feel particularly vulnerable today and fragile. I feel like I am not protected. (Protected from what?) I feel as though I were in need of some comforting.


If I were at home, I would wrap up in my weighted blanket, sit in my lazyboy with the kitty cat, and a beverage, and a book, and a good mystery on TV and that would probably help me feel safer. I'm not at home though. I am at work.


I texted my three support people. One of them got back to me fairly quickly and was a little comforting. I remembered some stuff that Pastor T did with me that was comforting and so I did those exercises. But boy do I just feel really fragile today. It's really tough.


HUGS to anyone who wants one, and nods to everyone else. Kit

HUGS, Kit. You are allowed to feel fragile.
I'm glad you were able to find some things that helped, even a tiny bit.
Sometimes a little bit is enough.

Is it Doughnut Friday for you tomorrow?

Thank you Lost! Thank you.

Yes tomorrow is doughnut Friday. Today was bagel Thursday. Yesterday was Jimmy Johns sandwiches for lunch and pie and ice cream for two o'clock break. It's no wonder I'm having trouble losing weight! Oh and we had pull apart bread on Wednesday morning. MMM. Also known as Monkey Bread.

For what it's worth, it's hard to see how Dr. K's schedule fits in with helping you. Two consecutive days a week leaves little room for clients that need more support. It's little wonder you are feeling fragile at the moment.

I know. If I needed to see him more than once a week it wouldn't be possible. Heck its not even possible to see him weekly. I thought it would be okay because I was kind of burned out on therapy but I don't know. I might have to look at Kayla's list of providers and see if there is a better fit. Some of them were pretty far away but I'm sure they are doing telehealth as everyone seems to be doing telehealth up here these days.

Omg I am completely furious. Chiding German chair is in her last year as chair. Already having to work with her remotely as associate chair is taxing enough (a major reason I demanded a pay raise), and I’m not looking forward to doing it in person when school starts.

But this is more personal. We have some disabled faculty coming in and they need accommodations. So she sent an email cc’ing me to ask about accommodations and how to get them—thus outing me to them as disabled, and also outed them to me. As well as the office staff she also cc’d. I not only don’t think that’s legal, it’s crass.

Between that and my troubles with her over accommodations last year, I may go through the roof.

Where’s the “eff that” button when you need one?

That fully sucks, @@.

Wow, @@. That is poor form beyond belief. Terribly unprofessional.