Couch 230: Decent Communications

Hugs @@, Kit, Stressed, and whoever else wants/needs. And good thoughts to the rest.


Today's my Friday, so I'm baking bread... just put two loaves of Cuban bread in the oven. My house should start smelling really good pretty soon! Only thing missing is I don't have any wheat germ right now; I usually add a cap full of that it gives the bread a sort of nutty kind of undertone. But it's delicious without it, too. I haven't made a decent loaf of bread in a long time, the last couple times I tried they tasted ok, but were way too dense/heavy. I'm still trying to work out the yeast and rising time for my altitude. Today I used regular yeast instead of the quick-rising kind, so we'll see if that makes a difference. And, this recipe is a little different than the one I used to use for Cuban bread - in this one, after rising and shaping the loaves, you put them in a cold oven, then turn it on (so it completes rising in the hot oven) and also put a pan filled with hot water on the bottom rack. We'll see if this makes a difference! I got this particular recipe from my Bernard Clayton Book of Breads cookbook. Pics to come if they turn out like they should!

I'd be livid. Crass is a pretty mild word for it.

Presumably your university has a disability services pack of folks whose literal job it is to help faculty and staff navigate accommodations and disability services, does she not know this? Yikes.

DO IT!!!!

I would feel hurt by this if you didn't include some specifics.

Better to lose your figure than to lose your mind.

Success at last!!

I was just playing around with rearranging the letters of my username like with your Ancient Plax alias..... I just need one more L in my username and I could be Earthliest Equal! Or, Stealthier Equal.


Oh - I suppose I could borrow from t, for the extra L hahahahahaha

I know I am still furious. Really furious. But suddenly I feel cold and robotic. I know the fury is under there, though.

I’d like the fury back. I am not interested in suppressing it.

ETA: also she is being a heck of a lot nicer to them about their need for accommodations than she ever was to me.

Sounds to me like our tisket just got that added to her tasket! Mo' money!

But mostly i just cringe in horror when people with fairly new privilege (eg any female advancement, but i mean the german chair here) act so ignorantly and just stomp over newly-won rights like this, slamming the door behind them. Like they are Clarence Thomas.

A quartile sheet.
It hate squealer.
I a heel squatter.
Tequila heaters.
Her tequila seat.
That esquire ale.
Quieter tea lash.
I request a lathe.
I equate lathers.
Ate three quails.
Squire ate lathe.
It equals heater.
Eat their equals.
I squeal at three.
Hit at square eel.

Oh, I went through their paper and made corrections to grammar and punctuation FOR them. And I posted a list explaining common errors, called "Frequent comments on student papers," for all students.

I understand people feeling hurt. I'm not arguing about that, or denying their right to feel hurt.

I'm just saying that the words weren't hurtful, in and of themselves. They were just factual words. I wasn't being mean. I wasn't saying "you're a terrible writer" or "your writing is atrocious" or "you can't write your way out of a paper bag."

Those would be hurtful things to say, not factual things. But I didn't say anything like that, or anything that even comes close to that. So I'm feeling really hurt for being called on the carpet for not having done anything wrong, or at least my boss was not clear about what I did wrong.

She would not tell me exactly what I said that was hurtful. Presumably, if she told me, that could identify the student who complained? I don't know. So here I sit, unsure how to issue a genuine apology when I don't believe I did anything wrong.

(Sorry, Can'tExplain, this has gone beyond my original response to your post...)

I can genuinely apologize for hurting people's feelings and say that was not my intent? Those are true statements.

It's also a non-apology apology, and personally I would not accept one of those (I'm sorry if you were hurt by what I said?), but of course I wouldn't put it that way. I don't know if these students would recognize the difference.

It's been a very long semester, an exceedingly long year, the fact that a colleague I do not like or respect goaded them on rankles, and my morale is low to begin with.

I do appreciate the support!

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Sometimes I get like this. It is not a good sign.

Usually when I get angry, face-to-face, I get so mad that I cry. It's horrible, I can't control it, I despair over it. I'm glad I didn't choose the law as a profession.

But when I am cold-angry, it is a sign that there is no redemption. You are truly dead to me, now. Nothing about our relationship is ever going to be okay again. Nothing.

It might make it easier to work with her, if you react like I do, in that the cold feeling persists and you just don't react anymore to that person in any way. Maybe you sigh, in a reassigned way, but that's it. They are a burden that must be borne, like paying taxes or getting a flu shot. Yes, it is painful, but they are simply a fact of life to be endured.

I'm sorry she acted like that. It's actionable.

Not only do you have to be chair, but you must also deal with an Associate Chair as well? Oh, my!

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I thought this was some bizarre poem until intealised they were anagrams of Artie the sequel. I do love i request a lathe and eat their equals.

No, I’m the associate chair. She’s the chair. We’ll probably get an outside candidate to replace her when her term is up next year. It’s what we usually do.

Not a good day for chairs in academe.

How can they expect you to apologise if you don't know who to apologise to and for what?

The best they can hope for is, "I understand that some of my student were distressed by my style of feedback and I am sincerely sorry for that." What more can you say?

I remember a paragraph from a biography of Al Capone. Someone called him a pimp. "The ultimate insult, because it was true."

It's slow work but it can really pay off. I've been long distance for many years with my now fiancé. Both of us are reactive in our own ways even if we don't express it to each other. But it has really helped us to be open about the reactivity. We all have triggers after all, even if we struggle to identify them.

We switched to video or voice for more emotionally intense conversations, since tone is so important.

I've found that due to our different cultures, I need to be a lot more direct (my culture isn't direct), and he's found that he needs to be much more warm in tone (his culture is not emotionally expressive, same as mine, but I'm very sensitive to tone.) with emojis via texts.

Hugs if wanted.

Times like this, I'm glad I live with just my friend so I can just use one of those "ready to eat" microwave meals. No microwave but toaster oven works fine. Or instant pasta/porridge.

Omg, @@, how appalling that you're having to deal with this!

Am i wrong to let my adult children make their own mistakes? My ex contacted me about something my youngest wanted to do and it doesnt put them in any danger or is illegal or will affect them financially but he keeps saying its not a good idea. I believe you should try something and if doesnt work out then you have learned something hopefully

These are great!! You are much more creative than I! My favorite is "I squeal at three".

Oh, this student was speaking on behalf of multiple students. Not the whole class...I told my chair this: I said that at least half the class would say that my style of feedback had helped them improve the quality of their writing...and my chair said "the student said that exact thing."

So the expectation is that I'll apologize to the entire class, either by email or a short video (although that wasn't specified). My chair probably expected me to do it today, but she did not specifically say that, so I didn't. I need to sleep on it, at least.

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You're not wrong. It doesn't threaten their safety or well-being or have major consequences...so learning the mild consequences of a small mistake is good, in my opinion.

One of my siblings has been bailed out all his life. He's still not at all financially responsible in his 30s now, and has a huge sense of entitlement.
So every sibling gets guilt trips from our parents and other relatives (so nice to volunteer others) about how we need to ensure he's provided for. And so... there's no incentive for him to not squander money, to learn life skills, to get a job or budget. There's no consequences because someone will swoop in whenever he's irresponsible.

Spoiler: Anagrammer, Anagram Generator, Name Generator | Wordplays.com

They say this about Donald Trump.