[Snowflakes123456789]

I’ve always had a close relationship with my T, while my T has very good boundaries. I’ve always had obsessive feelings towards my T (non romantic). We are both female and she is 15 years older than me so I see her as like an older sister figure. I’ve been seeing her for 3 years. 2 years ago I asked her for a hug and she gave me one. I didn’t get the sense that she didn’t want to be doing so. I asked her 2 more times on different occasions and she agreed. She told me that whenever I ask for a hug she’ll give me one as long as it’s not too frequent. Then I started opening up about my feelings towards her. I then asked her for a hug and she said that we need to have strong boundaries now because of my feelings towards her and she can’t hug me. I felt so rejected. This just happened recently and I then decided to switch to a different therapist to work through my feelings towards her. But I can’t help but feel so rejected and hurt. Has anyone gone though something similar? And what did you do?

[Lostislost]

I told my T I would like to hug him a few years ago. It was in a letter I wrote to him over Christmas break. I think I missed him and I was thinking I would love to hug him, as I felt like he really cared for me and it would have brought me great comfort. (not in a romantic way).

The session after I sent the letter, he said that he ‘sometimes hugs clients, when the are both doing so consciously’. I took this to mean that he thought I had romantic feelings towards him, or I was too close to him so he refused. Also it meant that other clients were doing better than me and able to access him in ways that I am banned from. I didn’t and still don’t understand how he could refuse to hug me when it would mean so much. To this day he has never brought it up again, and I have never asked to hug again as I cannot take that feeling of rejection all over again. It made me feel so stupid and unloved. Like I was doing something wrong. Or he actually didn’t care for me at all.

I don’t know, I just wanted to say I understand how painful it is to be misunderstood by your T like that.

[SlumberKitty]

I haven't gone through anything similar. In fact in was former T who initiated hugs with me. I refused for a while and then gave in. I have never wanted to hug ex T or current T. But I just wanted to tell you that I hear you and I hear the pain that you are in. And I'm offering you hugs here, if you want! HUGS Kit

[ScarletPimpernel]

Slightly different... L took away hugs at the start of the pandemic. It crushed me. She consulted with a colleague who suggested handholding. It wasn't the same, but at least we were still able to touch.

[jirafe]

I am so sorry you’re in this situation, and I understand how painful and confusing it must be. A good therapist will not let you down, mess carelessly with your emotions and always have your best interests at heart. While changing the boundaries a good therapist should be mindful and careful. I do not know all the details but while reading your post I had impression it was not the case. Do you want to be hugged differently than before ? Is your disclosure about attachment the only thing that changed ? Have you told your therapist how rejected you feel after she had changed her attitude ? It is certainly woth discussing as well as your attachment. I have started my therapy during Covid so hugs have never been an option. But I had a strong attachment to my therapist, desperately wanted her to be my friend or like a sister. I remember how careful, mindful and respectful our discussions were. She allowed me to be close to her the same way as before, just now it has a new meaning for me. So far, what happened in your therapy session is not quite right in my opinion, You deserve a much safer therapy !

[Rive.]

I don't see her as doing anything 'wrong' or unsafe. Her assessment was that continuing hugs may lead to a slippery slope.

It seems what she thought was in your best interests i.e. not fuelling those transference feelings, left you feeling hurt. What might have helped more, imo, is continuing the dialogue with her around this hurt and/or rejection etc.

But you know best what works for you.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I'm so sorry I feel that your T shouldn't have offered hugs in the first place if she wasn't prepared to continue offering them. Deep feelings often emerge in therapy, especially when physical contact is involved; it's natural and part of the work. I wish your T had had the foresight to hold back on physical contact if she knew she wouldn't feel comfortable should deep feelings emerge. No wonder you feel rejected! It must feel as if you've had something special taken away due to having your feelings. But your feelings are totally natural and normal and I'm sorry you've been left feeling so awful. I'm glad you've got another T to work through this with. In time you may wish to continue with the original T, but that has to be your call. Rejection is a horrible thing in therapy and T's really have to be careful about what they offer from the outset to avoid causing more harm. Take care.

[*Beth*]

It stuns me, how so many therapists use their power to manipulate clients.