Couch 231: Live Long and Prosper!

Two to three weeks? That's ridiculous! I wonder if they're short on radiologists to interpret the actual results or something like that?

I don't know. This whole process has been playing out over the summer and I am just tired of it all. I just want the results so I can either move forward with my life or begin planning for treatment. It's so hard to be patient and just wait.

Hugs, Kit, I completely understand just wanting to have the results, whatever they are. You're stuck in limbo here. Hope you can get them next week at least--and that you won't need any sort of treatment.

Thanks LT!

I feel you. H had that liver scan yesterday, but we won't hear the results for a week and a half assuming they have them by his appoint on 8/28. They said they'd have to reschedule if they don't. I guess everyplace is short-staffed and things are taking longer than usual because of stupid covid. I hope yours don't take 3 weeks that's just awful.

Artie, I hope H's liver scan results are there by the 28th and that they aren't as bad as you might think! HUGS, Kit

Case Manager Kayla suggested, sort of strongly, that I get a second opinion PDoc wise. So that appointment is tomorrow. I'm getting a bit nervous about it but it will probably be fine. I've only had two pdocs my whole life and the second one is much better than the first. I think he's a pretty good doctor but I still have depression and some psychotic symptoms and panic attacks and anxiety and and and lol. So Kayla was like, just go and get a second opinion on your meds and see if this doctor has any other treatment suggestions for you. Sounds reasonable. So why am I so nervous?!!

H has his car in the shop right now cuz the compressor went out on the a/c. way too hot here to drive w/out ac when he's working. He spends too much time in his car for that (long distance jobs). He's also getting a 'new' (bought from the junkyard) front seat. The total repair is gonna be like $1300 I think they said. Thankfully I am getting my quarterly bonus on Friday's check, plus I'll have 12 hours of OT on the same check, so that will help a lot! We will still have to put it on a credit card today when we pick up the car, but we will pay off the credit card immediately once we both get paid on Friday. Ever since the bankruptcy coming up on 10 years ago, we are very careful with using credit cards and when we have to, we pay them off as quick as we can. I never want to go through another bankruptcy if I can help it. It's looking like we're gonna have OT the length of the project that took 18 of my teammates so I'll be tired, but will enjoy the paychecks anyway.

Thanks, Kit. I hope yours come back good as well.

Argh. I'm getting weird about my BF again. I feel like I'm trying harder than he is -- e.g. ever since we've been long distance, I've send him a postcard every week or so, small gifts every once in a while. He says he loves the postcards and saves them all, which is sweet. But he's never sent me anything in return. I get that he is fairly broke at the moment and I don't expect him to send me something expensive... but like postcard + stamp = ~$1, and if he likes it so much when I do it for him, why doesn't he do it for me?

I think it might have to do with the fact that we express and experience love differently. But I also feel like I'm trying to figure out what makes him feel cared for, and he's not really trying to figure that out for me.

I could tell him that it would mean a lot for him to send me a postcard, but then it'd feel like I was giving him homework or something, and then if he didn't do it I'd be super sad. Plus it's not that I particularly give a crap about postcards specifically, it's the gesture that matters. (This dynamic of me trying harder than he is also shows up in things like planning trips together, picking what movies to watch next, texting each other throughout the day, etc.)

Yesterday I was a little less enthusiastic than normal when texting him b/c I was feeling sort of down and hurt, and I think he might have picked up on something b/c he suggested we cook together via Zoom this weekend as a fun activity (we haven't tried that before but it sounds like it could be fun). But I don't want to be the sort of person who communicates through withdrawal rather than using actual words. (BUT at the same time I don't want to overwhelm him by constantly talking about The Relationship and Chihirochild's Emotional Needs and crap like that.)

Baaaaaaah, I can't tell if I'm just being BPD or if this is a legitimate thing to feel bad about. The whole thing reminds me of from the movie The Break Up... "I want you to WANT to do the dishes!"

This is men.

Actually, in today's session with Dr T, we were talking about how if I initiate a conversation (on a deeper or more stressful topic) with my H, it generally goes well. I said it was frustrating how it seems I always have to be the one to start the conversations though, how it would be nice if he could just share with me, to be the one to initiate. And Dr. T said that some study (I think?) found that, in heterosexual relationships, the woman tends to be the one to initiate conversations 80% of the time. (I said, "Is the 20% the guy initiates things like, 'So what's for dinner?'" He said the 80% applied to more serious conversations, that it might be different if you took all conversations into account.)


Note that obviously this does not apply to all relationships. But in a way it helped to realize it's not just me.

So that could potentially apply to you, Chihiro.

Yeah, that was my reaction too. Maybe I shouldn’t say “men” but “certain kinds of people when they’re in a relationship.” (Are you listening, una? )

1ex was all about the romantic gesture—like a sudden trip to Malta to propose. 2ex was on the other end of the scale—what you complain about but worse.

Could you maybe tell him that little suggestions like the one about cooking together mean a lot to you? Not demand it or even ask for it; if it goes well, just thank him and say you’d love to do more things like that in the future if he suggests them

I think the real danger is seeing the relationship as transactional: “I did x, so you should do y.” He doesn’t have to do exactly as you do (postcards, trips, etc.) but maybe you could encourage further thinking along the lines of cooking together.

I know this is sort of a cliche recommendation, pop psychology sort of thing, but I wonder if it could help if you--or maybe both of you--were to read about The Five Love Languages? We often show love to others in the way we want others to show it to us. But if the other person has a different love language, they may not realize what would show love to you.

So, very generalized, but your sending him things sounds like gift giving (which I think is what one of them is called). He might appreciate getting them, but if his main love language is not gift giving, it may not occur to him to send you things in return. Not because he doesn't love you, but because it's not how he thinks of showing love? So in this case, it could be helpful to tell him.

I think the other ones are Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Acts of Service.

Some of them would be more challenging with your being long distance (I'd think particularly physical touch, probably quality time as well).

It's legit. Love letters are important!

I wrote to W more than she wrote to me.

Huh, that's interesting. I'll have to see if I can find that study (will link to it here if I do).

This whole topic reminds me of the concept of the mental load. Like, this thing about postcards isn't that big of a deal, but what if this habit manifests itself in the future in more important realms (paying bills, taking care of dogs/kids/what-have-you). Obv I'm not going to say it like this to him but still...

That's a good idea, @@, thank you -- I like the idea of positively reinforcing the stuff he does that I really like rather than nagging him about the stuff he doesn't do.

I also agree about not wanting the relationship to be transactional. But also I was once in a relationship where I cared way more than the guy did, and that was super crappy; I don't want to allow myself to stay in that kind of situation either. I think the way I feel about it is closer to "I want BF and I [grammar? help?] to care about each other about the same amount and put about the same amount of effort into the relationship." Which I suppose is sort of in the same realm as "I expect to receive one postcard for every one that I send," but is a little less problematic? (Though, gosh, how the heck do you measure the degree to which one person cares about another, or the effort one puts in??? Sigh. This crap is complicated.)

I think 'BF and me' will be what you're looking for.

You don’t measure that. You can’t. You give the other the benefit of the doubt whenever possible, except when actual cruelty is going on or whatever they do/don’t do is making you so miserable you can’t stay.

Love is patient, love is kind, etc.

I get the sense your boyfriend cares a great deal about you from your posts on here. FWIW.

Haha yeah, neither BF nor I would have the patience to read that book in its entirety, but he and I did talk about it once on a long drive (I think it came up in a podcast we were listening to?). He's a self-reported quality time/physical touch guy... which, as you mention, is really freaking challenging when you're 3k miles apart. I think I'm a quality time/words of affirmation person... which explains why I am sending him postcards telling him how much I love him, I suppose

I wonder -- do some people receive love in one way but show it in another? Chapman (the author of the love languages book) doesn't seem to think so per the quote below from wikipedia. But it doesn't look like his theories have been backed by any rigorous research, so who knows.

Chapman suggests that to discover another person's love language, one must observe the way they express love to others, and analyze what they complain about most often and what they request from their significant other most often. He theorizes that people tend to naturally give love in the way that they prefer to receive love, and better communication between couples can be accomplished when one can demonstrate caring to the other person in the love language the recipient understands.

I dunno, even though it's not Properly Researched, I think it's a helpful tool to use in conversation because it acknowledges that difference in love expression ≠ difference in love level, and opens room to discuss preferences.

I wouldnt send a postcard if someone was sending me postcards. It would feel like i was stepping on "their" thing. But then i still cant eat ketchup without thinking im taking something from my brother, or a list of several other foodstuffs. I can have mustard tho. Pickle relish is up for grabs.

I show love with gifts but I don't think that would be my preferred way to receive love, although I'm not actually sure what it would be. So at least anecdotally not everyone gives and receives love with the same language.

It is me in a relationship. I am not good with love letters or a lot of words or romantic gestures. Words of affirmation at best puzzle me and often just annoy me

Which is why you and ex-hankster are a perfect match.

Getting you two together is now on my bucket list.