Couch 231: Live Long and Prosper!

I'm so nervous! My session with T to discuss the situation with L is in 1.5 hours. I'm mostly nervous because I no longer have a close connection with T, and I also don't want her to think negatively about L. Part of me doesn't want to even do this session with T because I'm struggling so much with the separation anxiety. However, L is encouraging me to talk to T about it because the anxiety relates to the breach of confidentiality situation.

My head is a mess right now. I guess I just hope that I can verbalize and get everything out. And I hope she can offer some gems of wisdom to help.

I hope it goes well, Scarlet.

Already you’re trying to change her…red flag.

Waiting for Info…over/under on her usefulness today?

I thought she meant she was trying a recipe for healthy Twinkies.

Speaking of sports betting, wasnt Jack Morris just channeling (heh heh) Charlie Chan? I will watch a Charlie Chan movie when the mood strikes me, and it seems he is always telling someone to be very very careful because something might explode. Like the new batter, no? When i was on stage with Spalding Gray, i plagiarized Friends, Seinfeld - mostly unconsciously. Its hard to talk off the top of your head.

Info fashion report:

-hair has been lightened so she's kind of a blonde now, hair is lighter in color than her skin
-black high-neck sleeveless sweater
-gold necklace with a locket
-huge disc earrings with a pattern like the ones you see in the sand in Zen gardens
-black flip-flops
-and my favorite, a pair of what I can only describe as pirate breeches (ended just below the knee, where they buttoned up), lilac color

I'm trying this thing where I might be able to say more to her if I'm doing something that distracts me from my discomfort. So we played cards. Rummy, which she had never played. She is surprisingly competitive.

She told me to write for my birthday next week a list of self-affirmations, one for each year of my age. That's over 40 self-affirmations.

I'm not gonna do it, so anyone want to do my homework for me?

Leo? Last t was a Leo!

Also purple pants should only be pyjamas. Altho i did have a pair of lilac pedal pushers back in the day. They were my favorite pants. But i was ten then.

Our worlds are colliding, Jerry!

Eta - i think im starting to feel better. I had nonfat canned refried beans for dinner.

“When I am old I shall wear purple...”

I am trying to save myself from her low blood sugar - I don't understand her even when she is firing on all cylinders - in hypoglycemic state it would be like conversing with a gibbon

I would completely reject any silly thing like writing an affirmation for each year. Mine would be over 60. The entire list would be
Age 1 - didn't totally suck
Age 2 -didn't totally suck
and so on

Gibbons are supposed to be really intelligent. They sing to each other.

Also when they look in a mirror they know it’s them and not another gibbon.

I have no concerns about her intelligence - I have concerns about her ability to communicate with someone who is a linear classical sort rather than confusing and obscure free association. There will be no singing.

How'd it go, Kit?

Not even Kumbaya?

I'm struggling with my anxiety again tonight. Session with T went well. However, I'm now worried about L and our relationship. I told her what was discussed in session with T, but I haven't heard back from her yet. I hope she's not upset or mad.

What if she sang Gilbert and Sullivan, adapted?



You’re ugly and absurdly dressed,
And sixty-seven nearly.
You’re everything that I detest,
Yet if the truth must be confessed,
I love you very dearly.
You very plain old girl, I love you dearly.

No Singing of any sort.

I am a very deaf old man,
And hear you very badly!

Hey Scarlet, even if she was, she'll process that in supervision or her own therapy. I think L feels very bad about the severe hurt she caused you, so if she's mad or upset, it's probably at herself. A good T uses their feelings too.

I've hurt my T - she's said so. And we talked about why. Her part and my part. There wasn't any blame. It was her feeling hurt I got paranoid and told her she doesn't care and is out to use my vulnerabilities against me - her hurt was processed in her own time (her self-concept), and she recognised my past history was talking (people earning trust to then betray me).

Yet if you looked at my work output - i came across a stash a while ago, and it was so ORDERLY it looked like a published book. I was like, no wonder my bosses used to yell at me to not waste time lining stuff up. I was shocked, it was that beautiful. But i didnt waste time - i used the strict columns to make repeating and other coding and testing tasks soooo much faster.

I used my right brain to help my left brain. But my bosses were mostly left brain and couldnt see it.

I was a maniac. You have to feel for yourself that you did a good job. Look at Van Gogh.

I applied for - and was pre-approved - for a beautiful apartment in my new city. Now I just need the job offer to come through before I sign the lease. The large company called me back yesterday and said the job offer would be coming today. Fingers crossed.

Thanks Scarlet.

The doctor was hard to understand with his accent. Plus he wasn't looking at the screen, he was looking down at notes or his computer, I'm not sure which. Because I am hearing impaired I had to say, "What?" several times and it made me feel bad.

As for the medications.....he said I am on a lot of medications and I am not better (which somehow made me feel judged--like it's my fault). He said if I was his patient, he would take me off of three of my medications and up the dosages on two of them. He didn't understand why I am on two antidepressants and two antipsychotics. But to be fair, my regular Pdoc is a neurologist psychiatrist so he knows a lot about the brain. He may know that different medications work on different receptors in the brain.


He said he would take me off of the Vyvanse because it is contraindicated for people with schizoaffective which is what I thought he would say. It helps so much with my ADHD and it helps a lot with my fibromyalgia symptoms that I cannot hardly function without it. So that part I am not going to bring up to my pdoc although he probably knows it.


He said the rest of my medications were fine. So the next step is when I see my pdoc on September 1st to go over what this pdoc said and ask my pdoc if he thinks I would be better off being on one antipsychotic at a higher dose and one antidepressant at a higher dose. (I'm sure he's thought of this though so I'm going to feel like I am questioning his intelligence or something.) I don't want to do that. My pdoc I feel is pretty good so I don't want to upset him.


Yeah, my pdoc doesn't take insurance so he is expensive, $200 a visit. And he's far away so it is hard to see him in person, which I don't even know if he is doing in person right now anyway. But he has been my pdoc for a long time now and I feel like he knows me. This other pdoc spent 35 minutes with me. I don't feel like he knows me after just 35 minutes. He didn't do any sort of diagnostic testing of his own, except what I had filled out in the paperwork which I am not sure that he read because he made me tell him all the medications that I am on.


Actually though the appointment made me feel really bad about myself. Like I'm so messed up because I have to take all these medications and I am not better. But I know that is wrong of me to feel that way because I wouldn't feel that way if someone else were on the medications. I would just want to know how I could help them. So I've been struggling with some pretty heavy depression since the appointment. My pastor's wife told me to not be so hard on myself. Ha. Easier said than done.

Great news Polibeth. Fingers crossed for you.

Hope you hear back today that you got the job!

With some medications you need to be on them for life, they help the symptoms but don't cure the original condition. It would be the same if you had a heart condition kit. It's not your fault.

You haven't stolen from or robbed anyone, you're just not well.

Thanks, Lemoncake. Tears.


I guess just hearing a medical professional say I'm on a lot of psych meds made me feel like such a mess up.


I know schizoaffective will be with me for life. Not sure about the ADHD and the anxiety. Maybe those can get better. But likely I'll have to be on some kind of psych meds the rest of my life.

Hugs, Kit. Some doctors just aren't so good at the bedside manner thing. So this may have been a case of his thinking out loud--"Hm, she's on a bunch of meds...does she really *need* to be on this many? Are they all actually helping?" Rather than judging you for being on that many and not being all better. He may have also been wondering if some could have been interacting or causing side effects. Or if there was one or two that aren't actually helping you, might not be worth staying on them.


So I don't think it was judgment so much as evaluation.