Couch 232: Not Sully!

Thanks, it went well. She gave me LOTS to work on. She acknowledged that maybe it was too much. The main thing is that I have to stay SH free to stay at this level of care IOP and that if I don't want to be pushed to residential I have to stay within those boundaries. So basically anything I have to do to keep myself safe than do it. We are trying to increase tolerance. I found out my group tonight will be run by someone else other than S. I don't know if I like that or not. I was used to S even though she was intense. Friday night wasn't run by S either and I found I was a bit disappointed. Tonight's group is on shame and resilience and J really wants me to clue in to that and see if something is bumping up against me and making me feel badly about myself. And then we will talk on Friday. It was nice she did a check in and she liked my Lego car so that was cool. Thanks for caring LT.

how come whenever yu see a Justice of the Peace they tell you the history of block letters on forms. every single time

Well, 8 hours of phone calls today certain brought me back down to earth....

You know, Uber, I don't believe you any more. I don't think my $30 off a food delivery offer is actually going to expire soon. Why? Because you've been telling me the same thing twice a week for about a year now. Maybe longer.

Also, Honda, I'm well aware that there is an outstanding airbag recall and I need to bring my car in for service. I noticed that you tried to trick me into opening the latest bi-monthly reminder letter by using a cutesy font on the envelope. Ha! I could see through your envelope that it was from you and I did not open it. Your plan was foiled. (I don't know why I haven't taken care of it yet, but my god, they're relentless with their reminders. I can only assume sending the stream of letters is less costly than a potential lawsuit.)

Corporations care about you.

(Are snark tags still a thing? If so, / .)

Shut the front door!

I had some of the mashed eggplant dish (forgot the name) for dinner last night (one of the ones I brought home from the indian restaurant saturday) it is SO GOOD! I will be getting that again.


Today for lunch I am looking forward to heating up some of the lentil one. Mmmmmm.

Happily, I am not taking calls today just doing my normal job. Yay! Oops, break is about over. Hugs all around to those who want/need.

One of the IOP T's S who is a group T had me stay late yesterday by about 5 to 10 minutes to process because I was presenting with safety concerns (SH). That was kind of her. We came up with three coping skills that I could use that night to get through and she asked if I had my plan from my individual T--J which I did. It's embarrassing always being the only one with safety concerns but I am almost always at risk for SH. So I feel like I have to say that I am at risk for that.

I'm glad that I have two nights off of IOP because of the intensity and that I have tomorrow off of work. I took a vacation day. I'm going to veg out, watch Hallmark movies and take a long shower. Do my makeup maybe. I haven't done my full face in a while.

My individual therapist at IOP--J--has me writing poetry to try to express emotions. It's kind of hard and I think all my poems suck, but I sent one to her yesterday and she said she really liked it. She said she could understand my experience through it. I'm afraid to send her one I wrote on distress because she might move to have me committed!

Poetry as a way of expressing emotion is a tale as old as time, Kit. If you're concerned about what you're writing, that means you're getting to the truth of the matter.

HUGS

Thanks Lost.


I'm starting a notebook of my poetry and I'm going to try to write one or two a day to get my emotions out. I did send her the one on distress so maybe she will hear me when I'm telling her I am in pain.

IOP is like honestly the most difficult thing I've done for myself.

Here's a kind of mediocre poem I sent to my individual T--J. She is trying to get me to express my feelings in words not in Self harm. I sent her one about hallucinations the other day. This one is about trying not to self harm but being a nine on a scale of one to ten with ten being self harming. That's how I feel today.

At a 9

Holding the ice cube to my arm
feeling the transfer of energy from warm to cold
Nothing is hurt yet everything is hurting
How can I bear this mismatch--how do I stop this yearning?

When my heart has a chasm that's too wide to jump
When my head is pounding like waves to the shore
Everything is spinning, everything is reeling
No backup for this pain, no plan B for feelings

Keeping the blade in a drawer though my arms cry for more
Feeling like a train rode its way through my insides
Shiny smooth metal gotta get you out of my mind
Gotta stay in IOP, leave bad addictions behind

This pain's unrelenting, it's unleashed at full power
Nothing to stop it, no brakes to apply
What to do with this pain when mere words aren't enough
Gotta stretch out these days increase tolerance and stuff.

When I was in the very worst of my depression back in 2008 (gosh that feels like a lifetime ago now, I am such a different person after almost 10 years of therapy) right before my breakdown that landed me in pdoc's office, I wrote some very dark poetry and printed them out and showed him probably at my first visit, because that was how it felt to me too - the best way to get him to HEAR me about how much pain I was in at the time. If he couldn't figure it out based on how I just sat there sobbing and H had to do all the talking for me.

Oh yeah the name of the eggplant dish was Baigan Bharta. It had peas in it too. I don't normally like peas, but mixed in with the eggplant and spices, it was all delicious.

Slumber - i love the way it SOUNDS! The rhythm evokes a rolling train. And you know i am THERE for the last 2 lines - enough and stuff! Just a sly bit of idk tongue in cheek admission of exhaustion?

Thanks una! I'm glad you like it. I think it's kind of mediocre but I was too worn out to fix it so I sent it as is. My T---J is going to get tired of me. I get relentless about stuff. I gotta prove to her that I can stay in this program without needing a higher level of care. It is exhausting!

I googled my individual IOP T and found her Linked In page. I was kind of impressed by her academics but it looks like she doesn't stay at jobs long which makes me worried that she'll leave part way through my program but that's probably just silly on my part. Besides my insurance is probably about to stop paying for the IOP anyway. I haven't heard if they were going to do an extension. Just kind of waiting to see.

Beautiful poem, Kit! I can really relate to parts.

Thank you Scarlet.

I liked your poem, too, Kit.

Hugs, Artie, glad you're doing so much better now.

It makes me think of how a few months ago, I found some journals, including poetry, from high school. And some of it was really dark. I'd remembered feeling really awful

But there was something about reading what I wrote then recently that brought it all back. There's something powerful in writing.

I think that poem’s better than you think, Kit. I especially like how good it is at getting us into the emotions—not telling them, but showing them.

It's not the reading, it's the writing.