Couch 232: Not Sully!

Finished round 40 a little bit ago. That's enough for today... the bigger it gets, the longer each round takes, and all! I'm so thrilled with how it's coming along! Diabetic kitty likes it too. I told him to get off of it, and he announced his displeasure with my command, so I let him be in the picture haha

That is gorgeous, Artie!

That's true from T's perspective, but not from Scarlet's.

It is easy to forget or deny that someone is "in a relationship". That could mean almost anything.

"Engaged" is another matter. It's a definite, exclusive commitment with overtones of new house, new job, new town, new loyalties, new friends, shared debts, and children. It means "making a new life together" and some of the "old lives" will be gone forever. That's why we have these rituals in the first place.

I just finished watching “The Chair” on Netflix (amusing to academics, but as a show distinctly eh). The last episode opens with the chair monologuing emotionally at a therapist* and when she finally stops, the therapist says, “That’s all very well, but we’re almost out of time and this is actually your daughter’s session.”

*yes, una, I know in chair therapy the chair usually doesn’t talk.

If you were in the sort of pain I was in, naturally you would want to get rid of it as soon as possible!

If T has just got engaged, then visions of wedding bells will be dancing in her head. She'll find it hard to concentrate of anything else. Which is, of course, precisely the fear.

That's what I experienced, Skymoo. I squashed my feelings in self defence and it took many years to unpack them again. This is an area where a good T can definitely help.

I am frustrated that all of the 4 therapists i have seen have said "thats not a feeling its a bunch of sounds" or words to that effect when i have tried to express my feelings. I feel it hardly worth trying if they dont think i am doing my best. One even said everyone knows how they feel.

I'm pretty sure most women can plan a wedding and still manage to perform the other duties of life and think of other things. Marriage and a wedding is not the be all and end all for all women everywhere. Your statement paints women as very two-dimensional.

Agreed, I planned two weddings (one medium-sized, one small) while finishing my dissertation for the first one and getting tenure (the first time) for the second one.

I think Scarlet would know by now if the therapist were the type to drop everything for personal stuff.

Our brains don't turn into complete mush just because we've decided to marry someone. I'm sure there are women out there somewhere where the wedding becomes THE ONE THING, but at the end of the day, we're human beings just like men are. We're nuanced and complicated and complete persons even without a mate. We're not all single-mindedly trying to lure a mate into our marriage trap. And saying that once we nab someone, the wedding becomes all we can think about is frankly kind of offensive.

I didnt realize scarlet's t was sixteen!

No. She wouldn't drop everything. She might get distracted or busier on her off time, but she would never completely drop her career. She truly loves her work. It's not just a paycheck for her. And we have commitments to eachother. She won't drop me as a client.

This is mostly about my jealousy of her fiance; not anything with her. The only thing with her is that she will move if his job forces him to move. They will find out at the end of the year or beginning of next year. Even if she moves, she says she'll maintain her license in CA and will remain my therapist. I just only get to see her one month a year.

Sweetie, the reason I keep not setting a date is I’m worried you’ll turn into Bridezilla.

Wait much longer and i will be going up the aisle feet first #notgettinganyyounger

I blew dry my hair today, and it looks da bomb. The undercarriage, in back, could be a little neater, but the rest is your basic page boy bob whatever, all smooth and shiny silver. With baby bangs.

And I will be stuck with this sparkly dress. Get a move on, you two.

una, I am jealous of your silver hair.

My dad's hair has turned a gorgeous silvery white. Stunning. I was crushed when my hair gal told me I am not blessed with that kind of hair and mine will just turn plain ol' grey.

Which is why I added parentheses explaining how desperate I am for her to soothe me, but acknowledging that this is not within her (or any therapist's) gift. It's natural to want soothing and to look to another for that, but that is ultimately self defeating particularly when pain originates from unmet childhood needs. No adult is meeting that need for us when we are adults.

Maybe the therapist, or any adult for that matter, can't fully meet our unmet needs, but they can meet some of them. L and T have met many of my needs to the capacity that they can. Even H mets some of my needs.

I've been told that's why you need a collection of people: each meets different needs and helps get those needs more fully met.

L does soothes me and comforts me by touch, emotuonal presence, understanding, empathy, acceptance, mirroring, etc. It doesn't fully meet both adult or childhood needs, but it's better than nothing.

Yes, I am not disagreeing with you Scarlet. I am thinking about my own experience at the moment and how excruciating I can find it to have my therapist offer *something like* the love I crave. It's the *almost it* nature of her love which is currently so hard for me - in part because it shows what I was denied as a child. Other people can meet some of our needs (I suppose it's partly why we are social animals) but my yearning for maternal love can't be met now and it is sometimes devastating.

Comrade - now I'm tracking. Yes, I can understand and relate to the "not enough" feelings I think you're describing. Is it like a tease? That's sometimes how I feel.

I have fantasies and longings that L can't meet. Like I wish she would hold me in her arms or cuddle with me or tuck me into bed. And even though H can physically do all those things, he's not a woman and can't be/isn't a mother-figure.

I'm sorry it feels devastating for you. It makes sense. It's not how things are meant to be. I watched a TED talk about how the first 5 years are the most important in a child's life. It made me sad: sad for myself and for my nieces. I try to give as much love as I can to my nieces, but I know, at least the middle child, is suffering greatly. It's not fair. She's done nothing wrong. How could she? She's just a child.

Anyways, I just wanted to say that I think I'm relating and feel for you. You're not alone.

Molly Wright: How every child can thrive by five | TED Talk

Morning couch. Hugs/dignified head nods all around as appropriate.

Well, we have to wait for you to buy the matching custom-made shoes. Same colors, same glitter, but with a pompom on the toe.

In my area, we have these large swarms of giant gnats that will plague us until a heavy frost occurs. Today I think I must have breathed in or swallowed about 1/2 a swarm just from walking the dogs with a friend.