[Yearning0723]

This is something I really, really struggle with because in the past when I told people I cared about them or that they were important to me, they usually left shortly after. And I am really, really uncomfortable making myself vulnerable like that. But it's something I want to learn to do because I think it's important for other people to hear that sometimes, especially since my way of showing affection sometimes doesn't read that way to others.

There's an instructor at my school (not a professor - her job is to help people with their essays) who I see almost every week and she is important to me. She is the first person I ever really met who is gay and really open about it, and she's created a really safe space for me when I come to see her, and it's really nice to sit with her and just talk about stuff that other people don't know about, like certain queer theorists, or she tells me stuff about "our" history that I don't know, and it's just really wonderful.

She is also super good at being reflective of my feelings, which sort of reminds me of a therapist but is also super nice, because she notices if I'm getting frustrated with something and she empathizes and she's like, "Wow, I can see this is really frustrating for you. How about we try this?" And that feels really nice to me. And she says she's proud of me sometimes, which is just one of my buttons that brings up other stuff.

I really look forward to seeing her and I think maybe she doesn't know that or I want her to know that because she is important to me. But I also don't like saying stuff like that because it's a really vulnerable thing to say and I don't know how she'll respond or if she'll be okay with that.

The thing is, I thought I was getting better at this. But this week with T, it felt to me like I was telling HER that she was important to me (in a way, or at least that our sessions were important to me, and her caring was important to me) and as soon as she heard that, she took the caring out of the equation because she didn't want me to depend on her or need her. I know that's not the exact situation, but that's definitely how my brain interpreted it. Yes, I will talk about this with T when I see her...but I'm wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom re. this whole situation.

Have you thought about a stock card that might have the words, and or picture you are not able to yet? It can even be a funny card.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

Have you thought about a stock card that might have the words, and or picture you are not able to yet? It can even be a funny card.

I think a card would be MORE personal and thus more vulnerable. Also, less likely to be appropriate...I thought about that, but thought that still wouldn't actually say what I wanted to say.

[kaliope]

I have been in this situation with an old t. I found him very important to me and felt very vulnerable in wanting to tell him how important his imput and caring was to me. I felt I had to tell him. my need to tell him outweighed the response I would get from him because I so valued what he contributed to my life. so I just told him how much I appreciated him even though it embarrassed me and I felt better for it. he didn't have much of a response beyond a thankyou, but what could he really say. it was something I really needed to do for me so I focused on that. do it to meet your need of appreciation for what another contributes for your life. remember that others have a difficult time accepting true compliments so you don't know how they are going to react. just get out what you need to say. take care.

[Auntie2014]

This is a very interesting question. The word "love" is a word that is not part of normal conversation with me. I have a very good friend, out of state, that always ends her email by saying I Love You and my name. I will end a conversation with Love & Hugs but can not say I Love You even at the end of an email.

Lately I have been sharing some of my creative writing with her. Some of the ideas for what I write have stemmed from something we have shared in a conversation. I titled a message the other day with "You are my inspiration" she replied back to that message saying it brought tears to her eyes knowing that she has inspired me to be creative with my writing.

To me sending that message was a more genuine way of telling her how I feel about her than any number of Love and Hugs will ever be, Point being that you can tell a person that you care about them in many different ways or actions. You just need to find a way that you are comfortable with to express yourself.

[SummerTime12]

I find this difficult too. It's easy for me to show people my appreciation for them through my actions, but it's so hard to actually put those feelings into words and it feels awkward.

[CantExplain]

What about a simple gift with the message, "Thank you"?
That wouldn't make you too exposed, nor would it embarrass the recipient.

[Asiablue]

It sounds like you have a really good rapport with this person, and i think if you feel that, then she's probably feeling that too, so she probably knows how you feel. But it is nice to get positive feedback so maybe you can say something like " thank you so much for all your support, i really appreciate everything you've done for me." That would let her know you value her without you having to be super vulnerable.

[feralkittymom]

IDK. I would tread very lightly here. The sense I'm getting is that maybe you have a tendency to heighten the emotionality of relationships beyond what the other person perceives. That can translate to the other person as neediness and pressure. It appears your T may have responded that way. This person is your tutor, not your friend.

You say that your way of showing affection is misunderstood by people. Perhaps it is an intensity you project that causes people to pull back?

If you really want to show appreciation for her help with your academic work--not for your "special" connection to her--perhaps bring coffee for both of you when you next see her (or whatever you think she'd like, but also bring something for yourself to make the gesture a bit more casual.)

[thestarsaregone]

I agree with feralkittymom--I think a nice, casual gesture (like coffee) would be an appropriate way to show your appreciation. That is not to say that your friendship with her won't flourish down the line and that you can't show your appreciation in other ways then, but I think something casual like coffee is a good first step

[Yearning0723]

Is there something wrong with feeling close to someone who is kind to you and seems to genuinely like you?

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Is there something wrong with feeling close to someone who is kind to you and seems to genuinely like you?

Of course not. But when you express those feelings through actions, you put the other person in the position of responding. If the feelings are of mutual intensity (whether high or low), and there are no circumstances that would impose an alternate dynamic, no problem.

But if the intensity isn't mutual--if it's asymmetrical--then it puts the other person in an uncomfortable position.

Your concern about your vulnerability seems heightened, which makes me wonder if the intensity of your feelings isn't heightened, too. When people feel undeserving of positive attention, they sometimes over-interpret it as more meaningful than it is. I just feel like there's more going on here, related to your T, too, that goes deeper than the situation appears.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Of course not. But when you express those feelings through actions, you put the other person in the position of responding. If the feelings are of mutual intensity (whether high or low), and there are no circumstances that would impose an alternate dynamic, no problem.

But if the intensity isn't mutual--if it's asymmetrical--then it puts the other person in an uncomfortable position.

Your concern about your vulnerability seems heightened, which makes me wonder if the intensity of your feelings isn't heightened, too. When people feel undeserving of positive attention, they sometimes over-interpret it as more meaningful than it is. I just feel like there's more going on here, related to your T, too, that goes deeper than the situation appears.

I've always felt EVERYTHING more deeply than other people. I used to think everyone's emotions were this intense, but then I grew up and realized, nope, it was just me. But apparently my emotions aren't intense enough to warrant a clinical diagnosis, so there's that.

I know that I do interpret kindness as meaning much more than it actually does, but I don't know how to make small kind gestures LESS important to me, or even if that would be desirable. Hard to know whether feeling things less deeply would be a plus or a minus since I've never had that experience.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I've always felt EVERYTHING more deeply than other people. I used to think everyone's emotions were this intense, but then I grew up and realized, nope, it was just me. But apparently my emotions aren't intense enough to warrant a clinical diagnosis, so there's that.

I know that I do interpret kindness as meaning much more than it actually does, but I don't know how to make small kind gestures LESS important to me, or even if that would be desirable. Hard to know whether feeling things less deeply would be a plus or a minus since I've never had that experience.

Have you looked into possibly being a highly sensitive person?

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Have you looked into possibly being a highly sensitive person?

I know I am. I've done a lot of reading about it, and it's actually super common in gifted kids. I am super sensitive to sounds, lights, textures, and smells (and sometimes taste, but getting better at that one) and also super sensitive to emotional situations or signs of displeasure from other people. I have a lot of Asperger's traits but the psychiatrist I saw when I was younger wouldn't diagnose because of my high ability to empathize. So I think a lot of this is innate, but compounded by childhood circumstances.

When I like people (and I like A LOT of people), I want to be close to them and I really, genuinely enjoy their company in a really full way that I don't think other people really experience. I'm really good at just focussing on that one person and just basking in their presence. I feel this way when I'm with my brother or with my closest friends or with some "adults" in my life, and I don't think there's anything WRONG with it, necessarily - I've been this way for as long as I can remember and it just comes with the territory.

Yearning, this is do hard. I get a feeling that maybe you are a little attracted to her? If I am way off the mark tell me but it seems more than an appreciation.
I think this tutor can sense this rapport you both have between you. I know how hard it is for gay women to meet other gay women let alone share common interests and be like minded so when you do find that special bond it becomes tense.
If you know she feels the same bond there is a problem because she is your tutor and you the student.
You say you interpret kindness as meaning much more and maybe she does care but it could be inappropriate for her to tell you or to act on it.

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[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Yearning, this is do hard. I get a feeling that maybe you are a little attracted to her? If I am way off the mark tell me but it seems more than an appreciation.
I think this tutor can sense this rapport you both have between you. I know how hard it is for gay women to meet other gay women let alone share common interests and be like minded so when you do find that special bond it becomes tense.
If you know she feels the same bond there is a problem because she is your tutor and you the student.
You say you interpret kindness as meaning much more and maybe she does care but it could be inappropriate for her to tell you or to act on it.

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See, I thought at first I might be attracted to her, but I've thought a lot about it and decided that that's not the case because a) she is my mother's age, b) I don't find her particularly physically attractive (not that she's unattractive; I just don't really notice it), and c) she has a partner who she's been with for more than a decade and I really love hearing her talk about her partner and tell me about their relationship. I think if I was attracted to her, I might be jealous of her partner.

I think what it really is is that she's a role model for me and she gives me hope that I can create a life like she's created for herself and find someone who will love me like her partner loves her and that it's not impossible just because we're gay. And also just that she has so much knowledge about what it is to be gay because she's been out way longer than I have, so she can tell me things about what it was like five years ago or ten years ago or historically or introduce me to different aspects of "our" culture.

I don't think it's an attraction; I've actually talked about this with my T and she agrees that it's really normal for me to feel this way about having a "role model" for the first time. (And my T is also gay, which I would say is a coincidence but it isn't - I looked specifically for a T who specialized in LGBT issues as well as other issues I've struggled with. But she says it's really normal for young gay people to want older gay people to look up to.)

That makes sense, we all need a role model and mother figures in our life and especially ones that are a positive model.
I think it's nice that she is so open and talks about her partner to you and that you have so much respect for their relationship.
I think you should tell her how much you look up to her and admire her, she will probably be flattered and delighted to help you through this hard time of finding your way in the works and finding yourself

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[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

That makes sense, we all need a role model and mother figures in our life and especially ones that are a positive model.
I think it's nice that she is so open and talks about her partner to you and that you have so much respect for their relationship.
I think you should tell her how much you look up to her and admire her, she will probably be flattered and delighted to help you through this hard time of finding your way in the works and finding yourself

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Yeah, it is really nice that she's so open with me. And her office is a really safe space for that part of my identity, which is really nice for me, and I've told her this and she said she was glad and that's why she wanted to work in this particular department, because she's super interested in queer theory and really enjoys talking about it with students.

And it's just nice to have that support. Like one time when I went to see a different instructor and I brought a paper that mentioned some queer-related topics and the other instructor was super uncomfortable with that and didn't really know how to respond, I told her about that and she empathized and was really supportive because she'd been through similar stuff and she told me I could just bring papers like that to her because she would never respond that way.

I want to tell her she's made a difference to me, because she has, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that(?) But I'm also scared, just because of past conditioning, that when you tell people how much you care about them or how important they are to you, they pull back...

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I've always felt EVERYTHING more deeply than other people. I used to think everyone's emotions were this intense, but then I grew up and realized, nope, it was just me. But apparently my emotions aren't intense enough to warrant a clinical diagnosis, so there's that.

I know that I do interpret kindness as meaning much more than it actually does, but I don't know how to make small kind gestures LESS important to me, or even if that would be desirable. Hard to know whether feeling things less deeply would be a plus or a minus since I've never had that experience.

Well, I think there's your answer. It isn't about feeling things differently (that may or may not be influenced over the long term with therapy), but about how you translate those feelings into actions--that you can control and change. So this is a perfect "test" situation. Instead of responding as you would most likely in the past, why not try a "calmer" and less intense way of showing your feelings this time? And then observe yourself and the relationship for clues to how the other person responds. It's a way of calibrating your responses.