Couch 233: Nothing’s Ghana Stop Us Now

@@ - Its been a million years since ive seen it, but wasnt that the point? Hence the title. I remember it as being about the fight for civil rights.

I didn’t see anything like a fight for civil rights going on. Just a fight for enforced assimilation.

I very much doubt William Hurt’s character has actually learned anything by the end.

May I advise wearing your special sparkly bridesmaid’s heels and dress underneath it? Gotta get some wear out of them.

Maybe thats why i hate him so much?! i only ever really liked him in Mr Brooks, where spoiler .

Glad to hear you have some local and distance support and that you were able to see your T. I hope she was helpful.

Today's session was more stuff about D, including our struggles with her and her recent difficulties in school. At the end, we scheduled, as we do on Mondays (he's working Mon-Wed on Thanksgiving week, which I appreciate). Usually, then we just say our goodbyes. But instead, he took a moment and said how D is a really challenging and complex child. That he gets the sense that I feel that another parent might be able to hit a home run with her. But that he doesn't think that's the case, that she'd likely be challenging for anyone. And that H and I are doing the best we can. It made me cry, as I think it was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. And his saying it on his own felt like it had more meaning.

I'm crocheting today trying to keep my mind off L. I've got a small collection of jars from those little Oui dessert things that I'm figuring out something to do with. Here's my 2nd go at it. I like it a lot so I'm trying to write up the pattern, so I can make a bunch more of them in different colors:

Candle holders?

Or change holders, or my mom suggested serving pudding in them, or putting m&m's or peanuts and candy corn in - I think she was hungry when she saw the pic!

Battery tea light holders. Lights at amazon for like 50 cents each, 13 bucks for 2 dozen

That was great timing! I got my 3rd Mindful Souls box today. I'm planning on keeping my subscription for two more months, through the January box. I'm really enjoying it a lot. In today's selection: Dreamcatcher diffuser necklace, green fluorite pendant, lotus hair clip, chakra stones, a gem sticker, lotus wrap ring, and a solar system bracelet. I love the fluorite pendant, am wearing it already.

That's some piece of fluorite, Artie!

I learned everything I know about crystals and gemstones from my mother, who also makes jewellery. Beautiful piece of rhodocrosite there, too.

I love stones too! For L and I, I bought pairs of raw stones that symbolize or will help our relationship. I give her one every week or two. We each have matching bags that we keep them in, and when I give them to her, we discuss their meanings.

My dad and I have also started a fluorescent collection of rocks.

Just popping in. Kit sits gingerly on the couch and scrunches up with a pillow. Hope everyone is doing well. HUGS all around and a head nod for stopdog.

Therapy helped. I was severely dissociative and had trouble getting to the clinic by public transport even though it's a familiar route.

T was caring. I was in a particular robotic "mode" / was perhaps another alter that's a "version" of "me, QM". DID is complicated. That state got me into the clinic, and previously allowed me to inform my partner that "we" (the collective DID system) were in a dangerous mindset.

T helped, don't remember clearly. Just that she was caring, very patient as I couldn't remember sentences almost immediately after she or I said them.

If in active suicidal crisis, I/we have specific instructions on how to get help to a Specific Hospital Emergency Room. Not the Psychiatric Hospital, which would otherwise be the default.

If I go to the Emergency Room, I am to inform the psychiatrist on duty to inform my therapist/therapy clinic. My therapist will then contact the psychiatrist to explain why I cannot go to Psychiatric Hospital. As that will actually traumatise us. As my body will be tied down 24/7 due to dissociation, among other stuff.

It isn't at ALL therapeutic.

Appointment with T next week as she's super booked. I am to ask for help if need earlier and to convey to the clinic that it is an emergency. My T gently told me my message to the clinic to ask for an earlier appointment didn't sound like an emergency. She said it a few times, and also said very caringly that if she didn't already know me well, and if I had not texted her directly (I've no memory, but text log) she wouldn't know how dire stuff is.

If I'm worried about cost, I am also to inform my fiancé to help. It's absurd that I'm weighing the cost of my life, but really, my parents totally messed me up there.

My major problem is feeling I should actually not exist rather than ask for help. Probably one of the reasons I've DID.

I feel I'm just being over dramatic really... even though the friend I live with (stable DID) actually told me I'm doing unsafe stuff while amnesiac.

Hugs, QM. I'm glad your T was helpful and that you can reach out for another emergency session if needed. And also that she instructed you on how to get help but not end up in the psychiatric hospital, though hopefully you won't need to get to that place.

Sorry you're struggling so much, QM.

So maybe this is just my recent experiences around disability...but I increasingly dislike the way your therapist talks about your daughter, LT. A while back he suggested she behaved abusively towards you. At 9? And now, when he calls her challenging...well, I’ve been called challenging because of my disability and it is a really nasty feeling to be defined like that. Why not “her condition presents challenges”? After all, it’s the fact that she’s not neurotypical and may be ADHD that make her challenging. Being challenging is not a core part of her identity as a person. It’s the difference that therapists usually insist on between “I am worthless” and “I feel worthless.” Why doesn’t your daughter get that consideration from him? It’s like he thinks she’s a mean little adult who acts as she does deliberately. But she’s a child with huge challenges she needs support to overcome.

It’s great that he was supportive, but I worry about his choice of language inadvertantly creating an opposition between you and your daughter. He should be supporting you, not your daughter, because he is your therapist, not hers, but I wonder if he shouldn’t adjust the way he talks about her.

Maybe I’m misreading him. If so, feel free to ignore me, or tell me to get lost.

Hugs, QM. I'm glad your T was helpful.

Just got home from the vet with diabetic kitty. My appt was at 4pm but they were running WAY behind (it's 6:30 here now). She wanted to do old-man labs this time and also the fructosamine test like usual. She trimmed his nails today too, which was helpful I hadn't noticed a couple of them were getting pretty long. He's such a good, patient boy with whatever they do. One of the vet techs there just loves him to pieces and she's always so excited when she gets to assist. She said he was the only cat that purred for her today; the rest of them were all grumpy!

The rhodocrosite I'm going to make a little temporary necklace out of it and wear it to sleep tonight, so it lays near my heart, for emotional healing. I'm sure there's other uses for it too that I'm not remembering will have to do a little research.

QM, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. We are here to listen and support you any way we can!


I wrote about this in the Dear T thread, but maybe writing it out in here will help.

I have been struggling lately, and had a really tough weekend. I went to visit a friend, but drank too much and ended up alone and crying for quite awhile, AND texting my T. On a Saturday night. This is after texting her on Friday driving there, because I was feeling so bad. She was worried I wasn't safe, but I was. I talked to her today for a tiny bit, and while I did apologize for all the texting and she said "It's okay," my guilt and anxiety is overwhelming me.

What I took away from the conversation was that it is pretty "normal," to drink too much and be emotional. I KNOW that! Of course it is. She did say that since I almost never cry, when I do, it feels like a tsunami hits. Which is true. But now I can't stop feeling so guilty about bothering my T all weekend (and today) over what is essentially...nothing.

I am scared I am going to walk into a conversation on Wednesday about all of this. That I crossed her boundaries. That she is upset with me in some way. I would understand it, but it would hurt and I probably will feel even worse about it all. I can not stand the thought of anyone being upset or mad with me. The feeling of urgency to resolve it is ridiculous. Wednesday night feels a lifetime away.

I refuse to email or text her to ask for reassurance, but man, it is very difficult.

I'm really upset and don't know where to turn to. My sister just told me possible horrible news, and I'm so overwhelmed with emotions.
Trigger for CSA:
What does one do who is a family member of someone who has gone through this? I'm having a hard time grasping this, I can't imagine what she's going through.

Hugs, Velcro. I totally understand not being able to tolerate having someone mad at you. I struggle with that too. It's gotten better with much practice but I still have to work really hard at it. I don't know if it will ever come naturally for me to not care so deeply if someone is upset/mad at me. L even asked me once when I called her a couple days after a session to make sure we were ok "Why do you care so much what I think?"

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm so sorry. This must be so difficult for you, your sister and niece. I'm sending as much good thoughts/energy as possible and hoping that it's not that.