Couch 233: Nothing’s Ghana Stop Us Now

I feel less alone regarding unhealthy sleep patterns. Ever since gabapentin, I don't have so many nightmares. But lately due to stress and worry, (even with my usual meds), I struggle to sleep, get a few hours, and then wake up early and can't go back to sleep.

This! I sleep, wake for hours, then doze until the alarm goes off. It has been my experience for the last 10 or more years.

I'm really sorry to everyone who has trouble sleeping, it's absolutely the pits.

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I started taking melatonin again cuz of waking up at 2:30 am too often. Even with the melatonin I confess I cried myself to sleep monday and tuesday nights this week over the L stuff. After we talked yesterday and scheduled the end-processing sessions, I slept peacefully last night.

So far so good, been awake for over 6 hours now and still feel good about ending with L, there's been no bouncing around in my feelings today at all. We'll see how tomorrow's session goes. I've never actually experienced 'processing the ending/bringing closure' sessions before. The other times I tried to stop seeing her, she treated like breaks (which of course they turned into) even though I thought I was quitting. We did a little talking about the work we'd done up until then each time, but nothing about actually ending the relationship and processing our feelings about it, nothing about finding closure, etc which is what these are going to be for. I honestly don't know what to expect. I'm hopeful that she won't be pissed anymore, in the past she has moved on from ruptures much more quickly than I did so I'm trusting her that this will be the same.


Thanks for reading.

And, holy cow! I just heated up a can of progresso chicken tortilla soup for lunch that says it's "medium" but it's super spicy! Tastes good but I'd hate to see what they consider hot! I added a little milk to it to tame it a bit and it helps some but it's still gonna take me my whole lunch break to eat one bowl of it!

I also sleep terribly. Lately it has been wake up every two hours. Ugh.

Artie-I must confess that I don’t like that L got mad for whatever reason at you on the phone yesterday.

Thanks. But, to be honest I can't really blame her. I said something I probably shouldn't have said. She would likely say "I was frustrated, not pissed. It wouldn't be professional of me to get pissed." but to me it sounded like she was exactly that. May have just been emotional me, too.

It seems very misplaced that she would be pissed off about providing ending sessions, particularly given her prioritising the container aspect of therapy. Ending sessions are an integral part of that container. Has she explained her annoyance about ending sessions? Your fear that she might shout at you (did I read that here or in another thread?) indicates an extreme response on her behalf. It seems weird to me. I mean, I know weird therapists can get angry and behave like loose cannons (oh hi my therapist), but I suppose I had never understood your therapist to be one of them.

I think it's either a sign that the therapist is a loose cannon who has difficulty respecting the client's autonomy OR Artie is having a strong (trauma-influenced?) reaction where she assumes the therapist is incredibly angry when she actually isn't. That would probably be a sign that more healing/therapy is needed, which this therapist isn't clueing into or doesn't know how to help with.

I'm thinking about all the times I was sure that my therapist was completely enraged by emotions when she actually wasn't. It's a lot of times.

I was sooooo exhausted yesterday, i think my bus / flu vaccine excursion tired me out more than i realized. I kinda liked taking my pee medicine overnight - getting out of bed to pee when you are old is practically one's hobby. Halting activities during the day to abscond to the facilities is annoying and disheartening. I feel pretty good today.

Ive been watching Murphy's Law on Acorn, with James Nesbitt. Its pretty good.

it wasn't so much about wanting to end as it was about a comment i made that got the pissed-off-sounding response.

Thanks EM. With the distance of a little time I'm beginning to see it now as it really was more frustrated than angry. She's just almost always better at containing (ha see what I did there) her frustration.


I'm probably not done with therapy itself, just, well, want some time away from it and when I decide I'm ready to start again, will start with someone else. There's 1 thing that she has always said she can't really understand or relate to and I'm guessing it would be better worked on with someone else. When I'm ready. And that's very likely the one thing that causes shite like this to happen sometimes.

Artie, out of curiosity, did you say something critical about her or about how she does therapy? I ask, because that's what happened when ex-MC lashed out at me. When we were in the rupture where I said I loved him, then he said it was OK, but that I needed to talk about that with him or Dr.T. And then I said I wanted to talk about it with him (ex-MC), and he said he thought I should talk about it with Dr. T instead. And then said something about trying to keep clear and consistent boundaries around marriage counseling (this was over text). To which I said something like, "Oh, now you're trying to play the boundary card?" Which is when he called me and was very harsh toward me. I suspect it was because I challenged him and was critical, and he couldn't deal with that, so got not just defensive, but offensive.

Anyway, I was just wondering if something like that could be happening with L? Where you were challenging/questioning/pushing her, and she's not used to that, so she's expressing anger and/or frustration?

Whatever is going on, I hope tomorrow is helpful.

This is a good point. I just spent 3 days convinced my T was mad at me, and it turned out she wasn’t, at all. This is definitely not the first time it has happened. More like the 50th! haha.

Maybe it could have been L not containing her emotions? Just because she's a T, and a good T, doesn't make her perfect. Even my L has had a few times where she didn't contain her emotions. Or maybe it was both Artie and L?

I just had a cortisone shot in my knee. Last time I had it was 15 years ago. Dang those hurt! I'm such a baby with needles even though I have tons of tattoos. But I think it might be working. I don't think I feel as much pain. I'm limping, but it's because it feels weird.

I guess I pushed a button is all. Not on purpose. But I did.

Ouch!! I had one of those a few years back in my foot, when I first found out I had the bone spur on my heel along with plantar fasciatis. however you spell it

You are not responsible for others feelings. That's what my L tells me.

Not challenging or questioning her, but definitely pushing the limits of her patience. Not intentionally, but....I need to think about why I did that before I see her tomorrow.

And thanks. I'm sure it will be. I still have a lot of faith in the length of time the relationship was totally solid - and in her as a t. And in me. We can both do this.

I hear that a lot too.

We went and picked up dinner at our favorite little italian restaurant. they have cauliflower crust pizza now. omg it was GOOOOOD!!! Especially since I threw out over half the soup I tried to eat for lunch - it was just toooo spicy. Artie was hungry!

How do you tell family that you want a loved one to move out?... I think this will have to be part of my session with L tomorrow even though I really need to focus on me and surviving all of this.

Gingerbread Oreos are a thing and they're actually quite nice.

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I recently subscribed to this snacks-from-different-countries box and this month it's Scandinavian snacks, never mind that's not an actual country. One of them is a nougat + caramel candy bar covered in chocolate, so like a US Milky Way (don't know what that's called elsewhere), with salty licorice. I can't decide if that sounds good or awful. I do like licorice, but my brain isn't cooperating with the concept of adding it to a Milky Way. It's called 'Yankie Lakrids' and is from Denmark.