Couch 235: Home State Advantage

So I'd been thinking a lot about calling L today just to check in (9 weeks after ending) but I really don't feel the need to do so anymore. I'm not really sure what the purpose would have been anyway. It would probably just make me start missing her more again. Y'know I think maybe it's enough to know that I've pretty much come full circle in processing our ending... I've gone through being angry and feeling sad and feeling lonely without her, etc and am back to feeling grateful. She never heard any of the angry/sad/lonely so what point would there be now? I think I'll just leave it alone.

I think that's a good decision, Artie. I checked in with ex-MC (via email) periodically in the year after we terminated with him, and I think it just sort of prolonged things. (I did check in with him once in the past year, but that's because I saw him while having the outdoor session with Dr. T.) Though it did help knowing that he hadn't forgotten about me and was still willing to reply to my emails.

There's also the possibility that she might not have responded well to an unplanned phone call, and that could have caused distress. I forget how you left things with her--did you discuss periodic check-ins? If so, maybe it would be enough for you to just know that they're an option, if that makes sense. Like a "break glass in case of emergency."

So, I know Dr. T is leaving to go...someplace this afternoon and not returning till this Monday evening. So just a 3-day weekend, but still a change to the usual schedule (my next session is Tuesday morning, then I'm also still seeing him Wednesday afternoon because my daughter's IEP meeting is that morning, and I'm very stressed about it). And I tend to get anxious whenever he goes away, more so since the pandemic (he didn't go away at all for about a year there, so I think that's part of it). I asked at the end of session if there was anything he felt comfortable sharing about the trip, even something really minor, and he said he'd rather not. I said OK.

Then I said something like, "OK, travel safely. I hope you have a good trip and that you enjoy yourself. I mean, assuming the trip is for a positive reason and not, like, for a funeral or something. uh...I give really strange well wishes, don't I?" He laughed and said, "It's OK, I understand. And I appreciate the wishes." Me: "OK, good." He wished me a good weekend and gave me a "take care."

Thanks LT, I appreciate the validation. I didn't ask her about check-ins, but I wish I had. Although my instinct is she would be okay with it, probably more okay the longer I wait to do so. Anyway we left it in mid-December with her saying "my door is open if you want to schedule a series of weekly sessions" and her setting the boundary of "I'll only work with you weekly going forward". I totally get that last part - I was the one that insisted on monthly for a bit and I can admit now, that did not work for me. I pretended it did at the time, but it really didn't.

Also - I think most of this desire to check in stuff is coming because I'm just dang tired from working so much. But - honestly, when I saw today's paycheck, that included I think it was 26 hours of overtime, my 2021 quarter 4 bonus, and an extra $300 bonus for not calling in sick in January (they've NEVER done that last one before! I was shocked!) - I damn near fell out of my chair at the amount and suddenly I don't feel so bad anymore.

I'm sorry he wouldn't tell you anything more to help ease your mind, LT. And I'm sending lots of good thoughts/wishes for the upcoming IEP meeting.

I get thrown when a letter is repeated.

Same! I tend to find those words to be more difficult.

Thanks, Artie. Part of me is tempted to send him an email, but I don't want to bother him during his time off unless it's really urgent. If he was going to be away for a full week, I might have sent something and said to reply at his leisure. But for a long weekend? I'll do my best to just let it wait until next session. Though, OK, I may email Monday evening just to say, "10 am Tuesday, right?" As he'd likely reply that evening (because it's a scheduling thing), or at least fairly early Monday morning, and then I'd know he was still alive.

Thanks for the IEP wishes, too. They wanted to start it earlier than originally scheduled (her regular teacher has a hard stop time at 10 am), so instead of being an hour, it's now an hour and 45 minutes... I'm just glad I'll be able to participate virtually, as that way, if need be, I can turn off my camera and step away for a second if needed (or just turn off camera and keep sitting there).

There was an in-person meeting a few (5?) years ago where I started having a panic attack that also involved crying, where I had to step out of the room for a bit, and I felt really awkward when I came back in. That was bad timing though, as it was the morning after I'd learned that ex-MC's wife had just died. So that mixed with the stress of the meeting and feeling on display in a small room with a bunch of people under bright lights was just too much. Then I worried the members of her IEP all just thought I was crazy....though I can't believe I'm the only parent who got emotional during a meeting (part of it involves various people who work with the child detailing deficits they have--also strengths, but those aren't what upset me, of course!).

LT...is your anxiety really a result of worrying if he will be OK or the fact that he has made the choice to not share his personal plans with you?

I have been doing a lot of personal work on my own anxiety and one skill that is always suggested is to check the facts. They say most of the time we worry about things that will never happen. Do you really think he will die or get hurt this weekend? Realistically, what do you think the chances if that are? I am not judging as I worry about different things that may or may not happen although the chances of him dying are very slim. But we as humans tend to make our pain worse by dwelling on the improbable. Just something to think about to maybe calm your worries a bit.

Thanks for your post. You do make good points here. One of the things about anxiety is that it tends to be rather irrational. It's the thing where people tend to worry much more about the safety of flying when one is much more likely to die in a car accident than on an airplane. And most accidents happen within...I forget the number. Like 10? 20? miles from one's home. So more likely to happen in day-to-day commuting or running to the store than driving for a vacation (of course, some of that is that we spend more time by our homes, but still....)

I know part of it may be his not telling me, as it feels like another way that I'm separate from his actual life. However, I think it's about the travel as well.

My fears about people perishing during travel go back to childhood. When I was...maybe 9? my parents dropped me at my grandfather's in the next state while they went on a vacation in New England for a week or two. I was completely convinced that they were going to die during that vacation. They had asked me what stuffed animal I wanted, and I asked for a kangaroo--what that has to do with New England, I don't know. Should have requested a lobster or moose or something!

But anyway, I had this image of them dying in a car crash and the police officer handing me the kangaroo they bought, saying, "We found this in the car and think it was probably for you." This was pre-cell phone, so I think maybe I got a check-in call from them from their hotel once or twice during the time. Of course, they were fine.

My father commuted about a half-hour each way for work every day until his retirement a few years ago. Did I worry about his safety then? No, not at all really--just when they traveled. Same with people I dated (and my husband, though he's only traveled a couple times without me). It's just some weird thing I have. And I have told Dr. T about that, including the kangaroo story, though it's been a long time since I shared that.

I think now it's easier with, say, my husband, because if he is traveling, he's in touch regularly by cell phone. And with family or friends, I could check in or maybe see updates on Facebook or wherever. With Dr. T, I could technically email him (he generally still replies to emails once a day while on vacation, though I didn't ask this time because it's only a few days), but I feel like this is only a few days, so I'd rather not bother him.

I miss Jack so much

Hugs, Velcro, I'm sorry....

I'm sorry, Velcro.

boo my first attempt at wordle i did not succeed haha

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Did we have different words? I can't think of a single 5-letter word that ends with "oge".

I’ve started typing out a post umpteen times but I don’t really know what to say.

So I’ll just say so far I’m managing to stay alive and unharmed. (Unless you count



Eta: the only good thing in the past two weeks was getting a short story accepted. Which, meh.

Hi ATAT- I must admit, I am relieved to see you on the couch! I am glad you are still alive/unharmed for the most part. I am sorry you are going through all of this, right now.

I'm a bit short on words, but I'm glad to see you, too. And congratulations on the short story being accepted.

Similarly low on words, but also glad to see you here, @@. And congrats on the short story, even if you're not excited about it.

Wordle stuff:

I had read someone say that their friend would try to backtrack and figure out what words they had guessed based on their daily results. Did not work in this case. Also, I tried to go to the old URL but it just redirects me to NYT.

@@, thanks for checking in and letting us know you're surviving. I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now.

Wordle did not go well for me today....

On a more positive note, I managed to not email Dr. T, which I think was the right choice. He did send a couple invoices to me this morning, so presumably he got wherever he was going safely? I thought he said he (they?) were leaving yesterday afternoon.

I was thinking about it, and urges to email tend to be strongest in the first 12 hours after a session, if it's a therapeutic relationship thing. (It's different if it's something stressful or upsetting going on in my outside life for which I may seek support.) So maybe I need to try having sort of a 12-hour waiting period before emailing to see if the urge/need passes. I've sort of been doing that for the most part anyway, and tend to end up not emailing at all. Maybe I don't even get to the stage of typing it up, or maybe I just save it as a draft (without the "To" field filled in, so I'm less prone to just impulse-hitting "send"). This time, all I had was a subject line, not even any content. Though typing on here (and in Dear T) about it helped. And messaging with a friend.

Moved most of my stuff with my sister and her husband's help and... a few hours later, I start having intense cramps and breakthrough bleeding (I'm on continuous hormonal contraception for gender dysphoria)... this is probably due to stress right?

Hugs, QM. Glad you got most of your stuff moved. I would guess stress for the bleeding. Plus if you were doing a bunch of physical activity with the moving, that could have contributed as well.