Couch 235: Home State Advantage

Summer, no matter what your H has experienced in the past, it's not okay to treat you that way. It's also not in his best interest. I've been in situations where I have done things similar to what he's doing, I wasn't happy with it or doing it intentionally, but I am sure I've hurt people this way.

Getting some distance between you two sounds good, even if he threatens the things he does. In the end, he has to look out for himself and you have to look out for yourself. If you care about him, you might also leave the door open for when he gets better. But he has to want that himself, and he shouldn't drag you down with him.

Summer-
I also used to do some of these things in my past relationships. I was manipulative, controlling...abusive. I was even that way with H when we first started dating. What got me to stop is therapy and H finally saying no to me. He threatened to end the relationship if I didn't stop. I chose to stop. The relationships turned, and he became manipulative, controlling, and abusive. The worst parts didn't stop for him until he realized he was possibly going to get arrested because he broke my elbow. He still has his issues, but our relationship is much better, much more doable.

What your husband is doing is abuse. I was wondering if somehow you could stage like an intervention? I don't exactly know how that would work. But he needs help, and more help than what you can provide him. (Please don't hate on me for this!): in my opinion, you're also enabling him and encouraging this behavior by staying in this. I AM NOT victim blaming! Your husband is at fault. None of this is your fault. AND you do need to take care of yourself.

I relapsed by




I texted Julieanne and let her know. She called me back but I was on a work phone call so I declined her call. She texted me asking me to call her so I did as soon as I could. She was like, what's your plan? I didn't have one so I had to make one up on the spot. I was like I'll check them after work and if needed I'll go to urgent care for treatment. (I'm trying to stay out of the hospital--though maybe I should be at the hospital but I also don't want that $2500 bill.) She was like can you check at noon and after you get off work. So I agreed to that. And she asked me to text her and let her know what is going on. So I texted her after the noon check.


I took last week off of work for Mental Health reasons but it wasn't really enough time. I knew that before I even got to work today. I wanted to call out but I don't have that much PTO left. I will be accruing more but I think right now I only have four days so I need to save them. So I didn't call out. But when I got to work I had to take a Xanax. Not a good sign. And then the relapse a few hours later. Sigh.


It's nice that my T is checking on me. I don't feel like I deserve her though. I am also a little afraid she is going to be like you are too much work for her 73 year old self.


I'm terribly, terribly tired now. There's nothing I want more than to just go to sleep or zone out in front of the TV which I did way too much of on my time off of work. My time off of work didn't magically fix things which I guess was kind of dumb of me to think. I did feel better when I was off so I know I am not functioning at as high of a level as I usually am. I did manage to get most of my work done this morning that was left over from me being gone last week. There's one thing I have a question for a coworker on and another thing that will take me 5-10 minutes to complete and then I will be all the way caught up.


I'm having a hard time making it through the day today at work. But I am afraid to ask my boss for more time off. I'm clearly not well though. But I'm telling myself sometimes I just gotta suck it up, be a grown up and show up.

Thank you for the support everyone. I think I know that I can’t stay with him if he doesn’t get help, but I don’t know how to make that become a reality. Like do I give an ultimatum? Just ask him one more time to try therapy? When do I do it?

I also have to consider the financial side of leaving. He just quit his job like 2 weeks ago and is gonna start looking for a new one soon (leaving his job was a good move, he’s not just relying on me to pay things. We’ve taken turns providing over the years). I would want to continue paying our mortgage until he finds a job, even if I leave, but I’d also have to be able to afford my own place. I also don’t have any of my own money technically. We have one joint account and he has his own, but he won’t let me open my own account.

My biggest concern is our 2 dogs. It would absolutely break my heart to leave them, but I don’t feel it would be right to ask to take them if I were the one leaving. I don’t know if I could do life without them.

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Safe and gentle hugs, Kit. I'm sorry it's been a rough day.

You are worthy of support, Kit. J can hold her boundaries, and she wants to help.
I'm sorry you can't take any more time off at the moment. I don't know what your role is, but could you delegate some elements? Or would it be better to be busy?

Thanks for the support you all.

I can't really delegate any of my work activities. I am actually going to be getting more work responsibilities. I don't know if it is better to be busy or better to not be overly scheduled with stuff. I keep thinking of all the reasons why I need to be working so I am not tempted to try to get more time off. Plus I work for a small company so if I don't do it, there's not a lot of people who can take up the slack. I even came in last week to do payroll and pay the bills. So far I have 13 good reasons why I am working and I am going to keep those in mind. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I'm used to being high functioning so when it is hard for me to even get out of bed it's really bad.

Hugs, Kit. It's good that you contacted your T and that she got back to you. Could you maybe take tomorrow off, or even just take a half day, if that's an option?

I totally get the situation with the dogs. It's one of the reasons I tried so hard to stick it out with my H. I'm sorry your in this position.

Towards the end of my relationship, there was a verse from the song No Children by The Mountain Goats that really resonated with me.

It really felt like he was trying to take me down with him. I don't know if that's where you're at, Summer, but it sounds like you're struggling with everything. The constant threats of suicide are so stressful. That was one of my ex's go-to moves. I remember sobbing at work and having to drive home to check on him for my own peace of mind because he stopped responding to texts. I remember other times dreading going home because I wasn't sure what I'd find when I got there. He also threatened to kill himself if I left him. Yeah, he has mental health issues, but what he's doing is manipulative as hell and his issues are not a free pass to do whatever he wants and treat you poorly.

Also, get your own bank account ASAP. Don't tell him you have it. If you're scared of him if you do open an account against his wishes, that tells you a whole lot about your relationship right there.

Hugs if wanted. It also jumps out to me that he's allowed to have his own account but you aren't--that doesn't seem fair. Is it possible for you to stash some money somewhere that he won't know about? Even if you take small amounts of cash out from the joint account and hide it someplace.

You could try asking him to try therapy one more time. Then if he refuses, consider an ultimatum (though you'd have to stick by whatever you say, which I know would be difficult). This seems like an area where it would be good to involve your T, to see what she suggests. As she's probably had past clients in similar situations.

Were you able to talk to her about it today? If so, I hope she was helpful.

Sending good thoughts....

It depends on your timeline. Always put your safety first. Not being sarky but do you believe in your heart he will change with therapy? Would you think you would be able to feel safe in his presence despite years of his previous behaviour?

If you do want to to leave I would slowly start taking some money out of the joint account just in bits here and there if you could so it wouldn't be that noticeable. You should also make sure you get your hands on your personal documents such as your passport/ driving license etc .

Do you have anyone you trust and could confide in real life? Could you start leaving things with your therapist or at a locker at work?

Sending you love Kit. I hope you can rest when you get home. I'm glad you have your T in your corner.

@Lemoncake I’m not sure if he’d change with therapy, but I really hope so. I think he’s a good person deep down, so he could change. I mean there are a lot of good things he does for me now even with all of this going on (which kinda makes me feel like a b**** for complaining about him). Whether I’d feel 100% safe, who knows, I guess only time would tell.
@LonesomeTonight yeah I think I might start doing what you and @Lemoncake suggested and withdraw small amounts of cash here and there. He won’t notice if I take out $20 when I go grocery shopping, and that can add up. I talked to my t about all this today and she didn’t seem super concerned or call it abusive or anything. She was more worried about my safety bc of my own suicidal thoughts. It kind of made me feel like I’m just overreacting. To be fair though, we’ve only me a few times, so she might not want to react too strongly and scare me.
@NP_Complete I would totally get my own account without telling him, but it would need a minimum balance or biweekly direct deposit so as not to incur a fee. Taking that kind of money from our joint account would be noticed right away. Also that sounds terrifying what you had to go through with your ex. It’s not quite at that point with him, thank god. I’m so glad you’re out of that situation now.
@ScarletPimpernel it’s crazy how much those little fur babies mean to us and what we’d do for them, isn’t it

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I don't think you're overreacting, Summer. It's a very difficult position to be in.

First thing you are not just over reacting or a b**** for complaining about him.

I used to believe that love was enough. You could fix any thing as long as you had that. It was only when I grew older that I realised that it wasn't and shouldn't be used to stay in a relationship that no longer worked for you. Please don't think I'm judging you and I understand it's not always so simple to leave but look at his current behaviour and not the potential you believe he has. Feeling like you're walking on eggshells, having abuse and being yelled at is not a part of a healthy relationship. Neither is placing financial restrictions on you either.

When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. Stop giving them chances they don't deserve.

I had a quick look:

Could you open a Douugh account or SoFi money account?

37 Best Free Checking Accounts in February 2022

Or maybe you could hide the money in a book or shoe box.

So I've been starting to use the air fryer! So far, both batches of frozen fries came out pretty good...edible. Just need to cook it a little less. And tried a steak twice. First time was overdone, second time was under done.

I've also used the George Foreman grill for burgers. Both times that has come out perfect!

They have these really cool diversion safes. Some are hairbrushes, books, picture frames, food containers. I bought my sister an Alice and Wonderland Book one for Christmas, and growing up we had a can of shaving cream (that actually worked too!).

Summer, it's sad you have to hide money. Twenty dollars a shopping trip does add up. That's how I used to help my sister out without H finding out.

I called a crisis line for the first time ever, tonight. it wasn't very helpful and the connection was terrible.

Also, it seems lots of people are struggling right now. Sorry that I am not individuals responding, but I am reading them all and hoping for the best for you all.

Hugs, Velcro, I'm sorry it wasn't helpful.

Feel free to PM me on the situation you were in, CNS.

I'm basically going to be smeared by her for years, even after leaving. Not kidding, she did this to 1 other person (trauma survivor) around 5 years ago and the person received poor quality mental health treatment as a direct consequence, and spent quite a long time without a fixed home address after she was kicked out of a psychiatric shelter.

Currently I've archived all chats/group chats with her, as I need documentation if she ever does say anything. I'm not blocking her yet as we've a group of mutuals, plus she's really good at wording things to seem "caring" and "concerned"...as she's well aware what counts as harassment or threats. It would take someone familiar with all the background context to understand the abuse, frankly.

Though she shot herself in the foot by thinking ranting to a particular friend of mine would get my friend to abandon me.

Another friend of mine also knows those mutuals and her, and for the time being, it's safest to just ghost but not block.

Good reminder, thanks, I need to go around calling places (especially medical) to ensure she's not to be trusted.

Sometimes I feel like my T underestimates the level of danger towards me, which I'm angry about.

It's not the first time, and in both instances, I was horrendously gaslighted by the abusive people involved, and regretted not audio recording (legal and treated as evidence in court) the gaslighting, belittling and some of the threats.

Both were by people well aware of how to word any text messages to be innocuous, and aware that I've amnesia (even if they don't know why), and basically used that a lot in verbal abuse incidents.

In the first instance, T said I didn't have to "go to the extreme" of audio recording. Feel like sayinh to her "experience the confusion of gaslighting for yourself..."

Though maybe it's displaced anger at my T.

Regarding pain, oh okay, I'll track using painkiller type, dosage and time between painkillers. I'm actually experiencing more pain than the post-op dental pain I had for 2 severely impacted wisdom teeth...

Edit: Yep, displaced anger at my T due to a miscommunication and we sorted it out. I've therapy homework now haha.

QM, I want to state that I 100% believe what you're telling us. As an ignorant American, can you please provide some cultural context as to how some random person is able to affect what kind of mental health treatment you're allowed to access? Or is able to affect your life after you move out? Does your country not have laws that protect your medical privacy? I'm trying to understand and hope I don't come off as judgmental. Your situation sounds like a nightmare and I really hope you're able to find some peace soon.

Hugs to all who want some.

Basically, her new best friend works in a mental health agency and assessed confidential medical data on several people.

1 victim who was in a psychiatric shelter linked to that agency eventually got kicked out though I don't know all the reasons why. The victim's parents apparently said they were willing to have her back home but due to historical child abuse, the victim didn't want to go back. So she was left to fend for herself.

I cannot blow the whistle as they'll know its me PLUS I don't have text or audio proof because I couldn't take out my phone to record when she was bragging.

The person went around telling lies to every single mental health agency she could find about the victim I mentioned. Said person misuses certain credentials she has and says she's a coach / caregiver / peer support worker.

And must have called around. Because its now happening to me.

The person recently called MY OWN hospital's crisis hotline and managed to convince them that she would be justified in calling the police on me.

She also called my therapy clinic and my T didn't pick up and told the staff to not listen to her.

Doctors (MDs only) have lost the license for breaking medical privacy after an investigation by the medical board, but I don't know about non doctors.

Though someone told me the leaking person should lose her job.