Couch 235: Home State Advantage

Today is a palindrome. 2.2.22

I find that so satisfying, for some reason.

Hugs, Kit. I'm glad you had a good session.



How do you feel about what she said?

Incidentally, regarding the no dentures thing, the first time I saw my mother-in-law without dentures (over Facetime), it felt sort of weird to me. So I can understand your T's concerns. At the same time, if you preferred video, it seems like she should have tried to accommodate that maybe?

Thanks, Kit. It's why I'm really skittish about it. Even about talking about talking about it. I don't know if even bringing up the subject at all is worth the risk.

Thanks, LT. You're so supportive!

Julieanne totally offered to do a Zoom but since I knew she was uncomfortable (and I didn't know how I would feel seeing her not like herself) I opted to do the phone call. But I do wonder how she is eating as the dentist is going to have them until the 18th!


I think right now I am having some "I'm not of any value" feelings so for her to feel sorry that I am having these, admittedly weird SH thoughts, makes me feel like she cares. But it makes me sad because I feel like I shouldn't be cared about? Maybe? I don't know. I think I will have to sit with it.


But, total disclosure, I am also very emotional today. One of the kiddos that I sponsor through Compassion International called me "Mum" today in his letter to me. No one has ever called me "Mom" or "Mum" because, um, I don't have children. As I don't plan to due to my mental health I thought I would never hear that so it totally made me cry even though it was just in a letter and not out loud.


So maybe, in general, I am just feeling unworthy (hence the SH thoughts probably) and for two people to be like valuing my worth is just making me want to cry which I think I am confusing with sadness but it might actually be something else. I'm not great with emotions so I can't figure it out but I will sit with it a bit.


I agree. T's have a hard time striking a balance between non-nonchalance about SH and seeming like they don't care. This one seemed to hit the right cord, even if it was just via text message. Kit

LT

We got hit with an ice storm - the dogs are quite cranky but I won't walk them on ice. The cats are cranky - it is cold outside and their toes get wet. If my inherited cat was bigger or had thumbs - he would massacre us all

It was hailing here earlier - little teeny-tiny hail balls. It didn't last long, never does when it happens. Which is not very often.

The therapist got me to take the trash out during our session and my cat got out.

Hugs, Kit. You are definitely worthy of love and care. That's really sweet with being called "Mum," too.

Is your cat usually just an indoor cat? I hope he or she returns safely.

Thanks.

He tested positive for feline immunodeficiency virus at his last checkup, so he shouldn't be loose for his own safety as well as to prevent him from infecting other cats.

But he came back relatively quickly. I was surprised.

No, that probably wouldn't make me feel any better. I agree, it would feel like it fell flat for me as well. You are a T, I think you can come up with something better than a generic "I'm sorry, feel better" phrase.
Oh good, I am not the only one with an extremely slow and inefficient CVS?! I know a lot has to do with the pandemic, but mannnn it drives me crazy sometimes.
I loved writing the date out today I also found it satisfying.

Glad he returned safely!

I’m confused about why 2/2/22 is a palindrome. I guess technically it is, but really it’s just four of the same digit in a row.

That seems too easy. Like a real palindrome to me is more like “Able was I ere I saw Elba.” Or “A man! A plan! A canal! PANAMA!”

(I also have strong opinions on whether the 21st century started in 2000 or 2001.)

I was thinking more about the therapist crying thing. At first I was thinking how it probably felt weird to me because if, say, I was sitting there talking to a friend or relative and noticed they were crying, I might say, "Are you OK?" or "Do you want to talk about it?" or something. But then it occurred to me how I'm crying in front of him all the time, including today, and it's not like he says anything about it (unless it's at a random time, and he might ask what's going on). Which just led me to reflect on how weird the therapeutic relationship is.

Hm, that could be an interesting thread--things that are fairly normal in the therapeutic relationship but would seem weird in an outside relationship. I mean, in addition to giving them payment. Too tired to make one now... But if someone else wants to, go for it.

Interesting he’s now “the therapist” instead of “Dr. T,” as if you had morphed into SD or susannah.

To be honest I don’t find the therapeutic relationship all that weird. Just the therapists.

I find the ideas those people spout to be idiotic and nothing like how I experienced them. I didn't consider them different from the dentist or the person doing my taxes so handing them money was only odd because they don't do anything. I would not want one crying if I was paying. But I wouldn't intrude on anyone who was crying so I probably wouldn't probe anyone about it.

Too cute!

I want SD to get those talking buttons for her menagerie.

I'm glad he came back fairly quickly.

Convoluted was pretty much always my word for how weird the therapy relationship is. I'm back to just calling it that instead of saying it's fake. I guess it can't be totally fake if at least one of us is our real self in it.


It's still weird. But maybe I'm weird too. Because I honestly really did feel like there was something almost magical about it for awhile - how even though as much as I hated the transference stuff I could also see that I found healing through that part of the relationship.


Eh, it's early and I'm babbling. Gotta go log onto work now.

Hugs all around to those who want and headnods elsewhere as appropriate.

Yeah, I'm not sure what happened there. I think I was trying to go with a general "the therapist crying" rather than specifically about Dr. T? Or maybe I was trying to detach myself a bit.

This is what they would say:
Ancient cat - "spaceheater"
Inherited cat - "Fix the weather" then "I hate you all" finally "I want to massacre something"
Tweaky dog- "arghh I am scared"
Bonky Dog- "Squirrel" and "Food"

That feels about right!

The youtube animal talkers are mostly concerned about their environment.

Trying to decide if I need to go to the hospital for SH. I haven't done anything but the thoughts are pretty severe. Having kind of delusional thoughts about it, won't go into it bc I don't want to trigger anyone. I have told T part of it but not today's stuff which is kind of graphic in my head. My eyes feel dark and I'm like really anxious and stuff. I can feel it in my chest. I don't want to be hospitalized but I don't know. I might need to go. Delusional thoughts are better than they were though, I think, so that's good. Hallucinations are okay. I know I need to talk to T but I don't want to.