Another question about termination

In my session today, I told T that, despite all my searching, I found barely any information online for the client about what happens or should happen or might happen when your T terminates you by retiring. There's a lot for the T to read, but not much for the client. She suggested I ask here. So, I'm asking. Thanks in advance.

HUGS Cool.

When former T retired she told me about 3 months before. I immediately began looking for a new T which kind of freaked her out but like what was I supposed to do? I needed help and she was no longer going to be able to give it!


She "stayed" with me until I found a new T which took about two months. Then we had a final session. It was on the phone and this was way before the pandemic she was just too sick to come into the office. I cried my eyes out. She told me she loved me and that this wasn't the end (what the hell) and that everything would work out.


I stayed with new T for a couple of years until I realized she wasn't really helping me. In the meantime former T un-retired. I tried to go back to her but she told me no. So what was all that bother about it not being the end? I called her on that in an email and she basically said she couldn't be the therapist I needed her to be. Again, what the hell.


All I can say is that it is very painful. It does get better. But it hurts like nothing else has hurt before. Sorry to be so disheartening. That is just my experience. YMMV.


HUGS Kit

Yeah that's totally "what the hell". It's not OK for her to not discuss with you first if she thought she can't be the therapist you need. Because if there is no open and honest discussion about it, they are only guessing what you need, and without confirmation and discussion that can go wrong really easily.

Plus that thing about her getting freaked out sounds like she managed to involve her own emotions in an unprofessional way in all of this. Bet it affected her image of what therapist you'd need her to be.

I will just say this....What's the point of therapy if it just adds more trauma when ending it?

(Rhetorical question, no need to answer)

Sorry OP that I'm not able to give any useful advice.

I found my termination with my long-time T to be quite a difficult process. I’d hoped for something more… lovely. Like I don’t know what I was expecting at the end. But just more. More warmth, more of her, more care.

But it was okay and I got through it and I’m really grateful to her for the time we spent together… and also for letting me go. In retrospect I was spinning my wheels a little, trying way too hard and only getting dug in further. It’s helpful to be out of that situation and I grew a lot both from the relationship itself and from letting go of it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty HUGS Cool. When former T retired she told me about 3 months before. I immediately began looking for a new T which kind of freaked her out but like what was I supposed to do? I needed help and she was no longer going to be able to give it! She "stayed" with me until I found a new T which took about two months. Then we had a final session. It was on the phone and this was way before the pandemic she was just too sick to come into the office. I cried my eyes out. She told me she loved me and that this wasn't the end (what the hell) and that everything would work out. I stayed with new T for a couple of years until I realized she wasn't really helping me. In the meantime former T un-retired. I tried to go back to her but she told me no. So what was all that bother about it not being the end? I called her on that in an email and she basically said she couldn't be the therapist I needed her to be. Again, what the hell. All I can say is that it is very painful. It does get better. But it hurts like nothing else has hurt before. Sorry to be so disheartening. That is just my experience. YMMV. HUGS Kit

What a weird way for your former T to behave, and how absolutely terrible for you. I'm sorry you had to go through such a painful experience, but kudos for making it through!

cool, will you be looking for a new therapist?

Sadly, as you know I have struggled to find material after the loss of a therapist. I did Google "my therapist is retiring" and found a bunch of posts or articles on the topic. Not sure if it is the type of information you are looking for but it is a start.

I never had one retire, but with two of them I knew in advance we'd be ending. The first was because the service was through the university and I'd be moving on. The second was because he took a new position in another state, so he'd be moving on.

In both cases, I wasn't quick to jump into therapy with a new therapist. I actually took some time off from therapy, and for me, that was a good plan. It gave me time to see where I was at without therapy. I was actually surprisingly okay without therapy in both cases for a fairly long time (years). I didn't fall apart. I didn't go into mourning for them. I was sort of surprised about that, but I think it showed me I had more resilience than I gave myself credit for.

Eventually I felt the need to return each time, and the benefit of some "space" was that when I started up again, it felt like a fresh start. It didn't feel like I was rehashing all the same stuff again - I was in a different place. I also didn't really compare my new therapists to my old therapists because of that "space."

When I ended therapist this last time, we both knew it was coming. I was progressively more stable, and I was finding therapy much less necessary. We honestly just stopped without any big to-do. In fact, I didn't know my last session was my last session until I decided afterward that it was my last session.

I still keep in touch with my old therapists - particularly the most recent - not so much the other two very often anymore, but occasionally. By "in touch" I mean we Facebook, we occasionally message or even talk on the phone - particularly in this last year while my husband was so ill - they did check up on me from time to time which I appreciated. But it isn't therapy - it's more like old friends who just check in with each other from time to time.

I know I could call up my last therapist and start seeing him as a client at any point, and it has crossed my mind since my husband's death, but so far I have found my ability to manage through this crisis and change has been pretty strong, and I'm okay with that. I'm not really in need of a therapist - just grief support from a very informal group.

I guess there is not necessarily a rush to start with a new therapist right away unless you are feeling particularly unable to cope. Sometimes taking your time to reset can be helpful.

I don't know. Very few therapists in my area are taking new clients.

If you want to continue therapy I think it’s your current T’s job to find someone taking new clients and refer you.

But also… how much does “in your area” matter to you? You don’t have to let geography get in your way anymore.