[Just42dayK]

So as to not derail other recent posts, I will ask my question here.

When I stared therapy, T was this blank slate who shared very little about his life and internal experience of me. Some time ago we started more of a relational approach where we openly discuss our relationship, which has been very helpful to me. Fairly recently he started being more open. I hope someone here can understand when I say he's becoming like a real person. He shares more about his thoughts, reactions and life. It's like now he is changing but I think my transference is perhaps being resolved. I don't know.

Has anyone else gone through this realization that T isn't who or what your mind created, thought or wanted them to be? How did you handle the almost overwhelming pain associated with these realizations? If it wasn't painful, why do you think that is? If you had this lost feeling as a result, what did you do to help yourself?

Thank you kindly for any feedback.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Yes.


This had started happening gradually in tiny little bits for me just since this past summer, but it hit me full-on when I told her I wanted to stop I think it was in November when I told her? We had a few sessions to talk through the process of ending and I said goodbye to her on 12/17 after 10+ years. I did a lot of writing, and posted all kinds of temper tantrum stuff on this forum in a couple different threads I hang out on to get through it. It was painful, confusing, etc. To know in my mind that she was 'just' t and not my mom, or my grandma, or my anything else but yet at the same time in my heart, to feel and see her as all of the above. Letting go of 'fantasy her' was very, very hard. As I told her, I loved fantasy her, and I felt like that her loved me too, and I didn't want to let go of that but knew that I had to. (I didn't stop seeing her because of that, there were other things going on causing us to stop.) But I really wonder - if the other things hadn't happened that caused us to stop - if I had gone through the process of letting go of fantasy her and worked through it in therapy, what more we could have done. Part of me wishes it had worked out that way for us but it did not.


I wish you all the best. It's hard.

[Lostislost]

Yes I had this happen, but maybe in a different way? I imagined my T to be a certain way for ages. But it wasn't really a positive fantasy for me, so the more I got to know him the better and more human he seemed.

Sometimes I get annoyed that he didn't tell me these things in the beginning, or that he doesn't tell me even more stuff, but I know he just doesn't want to spend our sessions talking about himself. Even though I'm interested in who he is, as I don't feel like I really know who other people in my life are. Like when I was growing up, my mum was empty and distant, my dad was leading a double life I only found out the extent of in my 20s. So my T fantasy fell away bit by bit, and I'm happy about that.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I guess from my length of therapy, maybe?, I've always known about my maternal transference. I didn't call it transference though. I called them my mother-figures. I have always felt sad for little me that I never had a mother who could/would mother me. I always knew there were limits and boundaries with what a mother-figure could give to me. I guess where I struggle is I want permanence. I've had 3 (sort of 4) who will probably stay for however long I need them. I don't need the 4th one anymore...I let go of her long ago.

Is it delusional that I don't think of L as a fantasy? That I really believe I can see the real her: her flaws, imperfections, her quirks, and vulnerabilities, as well as, the positives. I know a lot of her limits as a person and as a therapist. I know a lot about her really. She's never been blank-slate. I don't post on here most of the stuff she shares with me because I feel I need to protect her privacy, but she has shared very private stuff with me. And not because of bad boundaries, but only when such information will help me.

But that's not to say I don't have fantasies. I have a lot of them! Some could be realistic depending on the situation, others will never happen for one reason or another. Like L brought up in Friday's session: let's say I have a fantasy of going grocery shopping with her. I could see that as a possible fantasy. But reality is that not only could it not happen due to therapist/client boundaries, but because of my limits as well. For instance: I would freak out it I was out with her in public for many reasons. Also, I rarely leave the house. It's just not realistic.

So I do have fantasies, but I think I'm actually grounded in reality as well. Maybe some would say otherwise? I'll add this to the list of topics to talk to her about! She'll best know how realistic I'm being!

[susannahsays]

My transference to the therapist is overwhelmingly negative, so it doesn't feel painful to realize she's not some evil mastermind out to hurt me. I guess it does feel like a loss on some level because I'm not sure how to react when I'm vulnerable with someone and they don't weaponize that vulnerability. It's also confusing when she does hurt me because I know it's not intentional and I'm more accustomed to being harmed intentionally or through callous disregard.

[stopdog]

I never felt like the therapists were warm and soothing. I wanted out of their office as soon as possible.

[Fuzzybear]

I feel that T1 weoponized the ''vulnerability'' that he worked hard to create. He actually verbalized his ''callous disregard'' for me (using those words).. I did not ''bond'' with other therapists....one was ''disappointed'' about that

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Lostislost

Yes I had this happen, but maybe in a different way? I imagined my T to be a certain way for ages. But it wasn't really a positive fantasy for me, so the more I got to know him the better and more human he seemed.

Sometimes I get annoyed that he didn't tell me these things in the beginning, or that he doesn't tell me even more stuff, but I know he just doesn't want to spend our sessions talking about himself. Even though I'm interested in who he is, as I don't feel like I really know who other people in my life are. Like when I was growing up, my mum was empty and distant, my dad was leading a double life I only found out the extent of in my 20s. So my T fantasy fell away bit by bit, and I'm happy about that.

I relate to what is written re family of origin. Wow!

I had the opposite experience in long term therapy though. Not a ''reparative'' experience at all.