[SlumberKitty]

Hi All,


So my T is 73 (her birthday was yesterday) and yes I think it's weird I know the day and how old she is. We have been having our sessions via phone calls because her teeth have been at the dentist. She has dentures apparently. So for like 3 weeks we have had phone calls.


Today she got her teeth back from the dentist and she sent me a selfie saying Teeth! A bit random and odd. Now I have a selfie of her that I can attach to her phone number, I guess. So I guess this means we can Zoom for our appointment tomorrow instead of having a phone call (but a text saying this could have accomplished the same thing).


I don't know why it bothers me. I guess it feels like she is a little too comfortable with me. A little too familiar. I've been seeing her for a few months, so I still feel like I'm in the getting to know you phase. I know I will never bring this up with her but it sort of weirded me out that she sent me a selfie.


She's a bit affectionate with her words like calling me "hun" or "darling" stuff like that. That doesn't overly bother me but with the selfie, the affectionate words, her telling me she wishes she could give me a big old hug, I don't know, it's a bit much. I think she is just being nice or something but I'm a little weirded out by it all. I know I should talk to her about it but I am too embarrassed. Of course therapy should be this safe place where you can bring up anything but I'm not at that point yet with her. But it sort of feels like she is at that point with me!

HUGS to anyone who wants one, Kit

[Breaking Dawn]

Hi Kit, I would feel uncomfortable, too. I need a doctor or therapist to act professional. I don't mind if they show compassion once in a while, but no hugs, etc. Definitely I don't want them to act like we're pals. I would worry & feel a lack of trust. But I have problems with trust anyway, so this is just me. I hope you can solve these feelings you have, one way or another so you can feel comfortable in your therapy.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Kit,
I, too, would feel weird and I like all the wary fuzzy affectionate things from L. It's weird because you didn't request this, she just did it. I would talk to her about it. It sounds like she crossed one of your boundaries. It's okay if you feel that way and it's okay to tell her.

[Travelinglady]

Is she trying to act like your mother? I had a therapist who said she was "reparenting me".....

I agree that you should talk to her about it, telling her you're uncomfortable with what you perceive is too much "intimacy"---you don't like being called "hun" and so on. But remember that she's 73 and I doubt there's anything sexual about it all, that she's probably trying to be caring and supportive--and was proud of her new choppers!

[susannahsays]

I guess I'm the odd one out because I wouldn't be weirded out. I mean, it would be kind of strange if I took exception seeing as I don't hesitate to look at her fb or insta and also have no compunction about harassing her via text. I guess if she had a case of crazy eyes, that would be a bit awkward, but otherwise it would be fine with me.

I'm in the south so I'm also pretty immune to being bothered if anybody calls me a term of endearment in passing, particularly other women.

I might be a bit bugged at the carelessness of the hug comment. The therapist did once ask me if I wanted a hug. I did actually want one and she was very careful about not making me feel pressured and that I actually wanted one and wasn't just going along with it. But that seems pretty different from what you're talking about.

[Jesla]

And there are people,out there who would,love it if their therapist did that.
Personally I have many pictures of my therapist and I together, and know her birthday and how old she is as well as lots more. It doesnt bother me at all. I guess it just depends on what youre comfortable with.. if you dont like it, talk to her about it.

[Breaking Dawn]

This is a good thread, Kit. I'm seeing different perspectives.

[divine1966]

Is she the type to joke around a lot? Selfie with the title •teeth” is kind of funny. Weird though. I find it strange that she does it after few months. If she was your therapist for 30 years (while she still had her own teeth hahah) then I could understand familiarity

[LonesomeTonight]

I can understand your feeling uncomfortable. I would probably be a bit weirded out by my T doing this (though I'd probably like it at the same time), but it's partly because I've been seeing him a long time and know that it would be unlike him to do something like that. I mean, I was slightly weirded out when he emailed me an article out of the blue a year or so ago because it made him think of me. I did like it, but wasn't sure what to make of it.

It could be this is just how your T is with clients, that she's just a bit more familiar and friendly. It may just be her style. If it makes you uncomfortable, you could try saying something about it, even if it would be awkward. Things like calling you "hun" may just be part of how she always talks, so those could be more difficult for her to change (though she could certainly try if it really bothered you). With the selfie, I'd say maybe let this one go, but if she does it again or is sending you random texts that don't seem related to therapy, then say something. (I don't mean things like checking in to make sure you're doing OK or appointment reminders, but more seemingly random stuff.)

I don't think it's that odd that you know her birthday, certainly not odd that you know her age. With our former marriage counselor, at one point we just asked his age, and he told us. My current T was a bit more cryptic about his age at first, but then became more open about it, like, "Now that I'm over 50...." (I know when his birthday is, but not because he told me.) Ex-T never told me her age, even when I asked, though she did give me a hint to the age range. So I think it's just a matter of style, too.

[Rive.]

Yes, what you say makes sense. It feels a little less... boundaried or showing less professionalism. More like a friendship (personal disclosure, sending selfies..), especially so soon in your work together.

I don't think she means anything 'bad' by calling you hun and her way of showing affection but yes, it can be uncomfortable. Not making excuses for your T but maybe that is the 'normal' for her generation.

Yes, one should be able to discuss anything with T. Just a word of caution: not all Ts are able to respond without getting defensive or reacting 'badly'. So, I am not saying don't bring it up if you wanted to but maybe be attuned to T as to *how* you bring it up / her reactions (so you don't shut down, freeze up, end up being hurt etc.)

[Favorite Jeans]

I love the range of thoughts and feelings about this! SK I think I would feel very much as you do about this, right down to the embarrassment in bringing it up. If my therapist slipped and called me “hun” once or occasionally, I’d probably get a kick out of it (the way it’s funny/sweet when kids accidentally call their teachers mom), but I wouldn’t like it as a regular thing. Also, I think the “I want to give you a hug” thing could land ok or badly depending on the moment… but generally, I would not prefer it.

The other day I was describing a situation that elicits all kinds of negative ideas I hold about myself and my T said, “that just makes me feel a lot of compassion for you and what you’re dealing with.” It’s similar in some ways to the hug comment (therapist disclosing personal reaction to client’s situation) but keeps her at more of a distance. She went on to suggest that I could regard myself with compassion instead of judgement (I politely didn’t roll my eyes), using her own reaction as a thing for me to reflect on. So her disclosure had a clear therapeutic point.

[LonesomeTonight]

Oh, and Dr. T did call me "honey" once, in saying, "I'm a lot older than you are, honey." Which bothered me on multiple levels (saying "honey," seeming to forget my age, as he's only 7 years older than me). I told him in an email, and he was very apologetic, saying he'd meant it in a joking way, but he sees how it could have come across as patronizing. (And how the age thing is more about how he perceives himself, not me.) He hasn't called me "honey" since (nor any other term endearment, but I also don't think it's style to do so).

I wonder if it's something you could just say as an observation, like, "I've noticed you calling me 'hun,' and it's not really something I'm used to." Or "I was a bit surprised to get a selfie from you, as I haven't gotten one from a therapist before" or something like that. And just see what she says? Then she's probably less likely to get defensive (if she's even the type to get defensive--my T can be at times).

[stopdog]

I doubt I would think about it twice - I already thought therapists are bonkers at best. I would delete the picture and go on. BUT if it does bother you - this would, in my opinion, be the place to speak up for yourself. Ask her why or tell her don't do it again.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

It really depends on what feels ok to you in your relationship with your therapist. My t would do something like this and it wouldn't bother me. I would love it. But that doesn't mean you should, it just means you're not comfortable and that something to address with her.

[RollercoasterLover]

I understand the weird feeling. Early on with my current T, during a session she revealed a personal issue. It was very strange at first and I asked her why she would share that info and that I felt awkward knowing something so personal. She told me that it was ok to feel awkward. She told me that she shared it with me because she felt I needed to know something that made her vulnerable so I would trust her when I felt vulnerable.
Perhaps your T is trying to establish a rapport with you as a means to demonstrate a different way to deal with others or as a way to learn where your boundries are. If you don't mention how you feel, how would they know your thoughts and feelings?

[East17]

SK, I think it depends on how comfortable you feel with your T.

If you are still in the getting-to-know-you stage, it might feel weird to have this level of intimacy from your T. If you were at a more settled stage with them, then this kind of talk and behaviour could feel more acceptable to you.

My previous T was very affectionate in the way she spoke and acted. It freaked me out a little at first, but then I realised that was just how she was. My current T although she shares a lot about her personal life (only if relevant), is much more boundaried and I can't imagine any scenario where she would use a term of endearment towards me.

Should you bring it up with her? Depends on how comfortable you feel raising difficult issues with her. If you think it's likely to bother you going forward, try to find a way to discuss it, otherwise try to let it go. Only you know how it makes you feel.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

[Lostislost]

I would love a selfie from my T and it would probably make me laugh. But I can totally see why some people would find it uncomfortable! I guess if you talked to her about the selfies and the calling you pet names etc then she might stop doing it, and you could feel more comfortable with her?

Why did her not having teeth mean you had to have phone calls instead of zoom? Because of how she looked? Just curious.

@SlumberKitty lots of diverse opinions here from forum members.

The question is, how do you want to address this weird boundary crossing by your therapist with her? Remember, you can't do anything wrong with how you broach the subject because...she's a trained, licensed mental health therapist.

Please don't feel embarrassed. Your professionally trained therapist has blurred the lines between licensed professional and personal friend.

My opinion is that your 73 year old therapist may be lonely and is using your phone therapy sessions unprofessionally; by speaking to you as though you were a close friend or family member. I view it as her taking advantage of your good nature and emotional vulnerability because as her patient, you are emotionally vulnerable since the reason you speak with her is for help with your mental health.

I don't respect therapists who blur the lines like this. They project their own unmet needs, desires, on to their patients who are already victims in a sense. I would find a new therapist.

I once saw a therapist who had multiple suspensions on his record for having sexual relationships with his patients. He tried to groom me but I caught on, and reported him to my state's licensing board immediately and then found another therapist. That's an extreme example but it is a great example of how a licensed, trained professional who has their own problems, easily preys upon their patients who are already in a vulnerable state of mind.

Your therapist may be a lonely old 73 year old projecting her own issues on to you, b/c in your phone therapy conversations you may remind her of a daughter, granddaughter, or friend or niece maybe. Or, she may just be overly friendly and poor with boundaries, and is someone who chooses not to keep her boundaries professional with her patients.

If her actions like sending you that selfie and telling you her birthday, her casual nicknames for you etc. bothers you, it's your right to have your boundaries respected by a trained professional who you entrusted your mental health therapy with. There's nothing wrong with asserting your boundaries with this 73 year old therapist to let her know that her behavior with that selfie etc. bothers you and that you are going to find another therapist, if that's what you want to do.

I'm still learning myself but everyone deserves to have their own boundaries respected by other people. And when other people cross those boundaries, as scary as it feels, we have to speak up for ourselves.

[Mountaindewed]

Yeah, that would bother me to the point I'd be so creeped out I'd fire her immediatly even if I didn't have a backup plan. But thats just me. That is why I refuse to work with an older therapist. They can just be so creepy. I had one keep calling me handsome and she would give me this strange look like she was checking me out. I discussed it with my Pdoc to see if I was maybe just overeacting and he told me to drop her ASAP.

My last T slipped and almost called me Ma'me before switching to sir. The thing is she only knew me as male. So she was just being totally transphobic.

My current one has only called me sir which I don't mind but she has very strict boundaries in place so she does not share details about herself.

[SlumberKitty]

Thanks all for the all the support and the various opinions. Certainly gave me lots to think about.


We had a session on Saturday which began with her teeth in but then she took them out. (It was a Zoom session.) I guess her teeth aren't fitting right. She would prefer phone sessions when she doesn't have her teeth but had we started the Zoom meeting without them, I probably wouldn't have noticed. (I have some face blindness and am overwhelmingly not one to notice when something is different about another person.)


I didn't bring up the Selfie or how it made me feel. I guess I did send her a picture of the Ocean once in a "how I am doing" text. But it wasn't a selfie. I would feel weird if she had a selfie of me or if she looked at my facebook or whatever (though that is basically a portfolio of my cats) and saw a selfie of me. The conversation was pretty good except I don't know if she can really help me with SH. She asked me if I read any books on it which I have but I want to know what she says to do about it. So I'm not really sure if she can help me but I am beginning to think no one can help me. Ugh.


I noticed she doesn't use a lot of "sweet" language in person like calling me "hon" but that she mostly does that on text. I always call her by her name in text and not a nickname or anything. I did get to see one of her cats on the Zoom so that was nice. I've seen her dogs but not all of her cats. She has three. I just noticed a gigantic cat tree in her living room so I asked her about it.


Maybe I overreacted. It did sort of freak me out. It definitely felt like a boundary crossing but how would she know if I didn't tell her. (But I can never see myself actually telling her that!)


So I guess I'll view it as a once off and if it happens again I'll have to either leave her or let her know the selfies are a no go. But maybe it would be different had we been seeing each other longer. But at this stage in my therapy I have no use for a picture of her. I don't need a transitional object. Or anything like that.


I have a feeling her boundaries are pretty loose anyway with her clients. Just from what she has said in passing. So I'll have to decide if I can work with that.


Thank you everyone! HUGS if wanted, Kit

[Rive.]

I wouldn't say you overreacted - this is how you felt. For you, it doesn't sit right, which is perfectly valid. It is typically not the 'done' thing to send selfies to clients, so you are not alone there!

So I'm not really sure if she can help me but I am beginning to think no one can help me.

I hope she can help you more re SH. If not, please don't give up in searching for someone who can..

[Breaking Dawn]

Oh my goodness, Kit, I agree with Rive, 100%. Above all, your thoughts & feelings are just as valid as anyone else's!

[SlumberKitty]

Thank you!