Couch 236: NY PS Langston Hughes

I drove back into town, stopping at Info's for our next to last session today.

Fashion report: navy leggings, navy hiking boots (no socks), navy way off the shoulder sweater over a long-sleeved lime green t-shirt. She'd done something to her eyebrows, like blackened them. They were really popping off her face.

I managed not to snicker too much or say "work? what work?" when she asked if I'd like to review "our work together" at our last session in a couple weeks.

Info-hyperbole of the day: my stand for disability rights at my school is somehow just like the Ukrainians fighting Russia. Yeah, no. That's actually even worse than her Rosa Parks comparison of last fall.

Hugs captgut, @@, Kit, and anyone else who wants/needs.

Thinking of you, captgut

Wowww at Info. I'm speechless.

Hugs if wanted, Kit. You made a really selfless decision and I wish more parents are so thoughtful before they have kids.

Kit, I think I get where you're coming from. Although at times I've felt ambivalent about having children, there was a part of me that really did want them. A biological child would likely be the only blood relative I'll ever meet; kind of selfish, but it is what it is. Watching them grow up and teaching them things would probably be amazing.

At some point though, I decided that my partner would not be a good father. He was an alcoholic and I didn't want a kid to grow up with that in their life. Plus, I was the only breadwinner, so he would have to be childcare. The thought of leaving a very young child with him alone terrified me. Maybe he would have stepped up and quit drinking, but that's a pretty big gamble to take.

I kept putting the decision off, hoping that he would change, but he never did. I look back on the relationship and I've definitely called myself a loser. Why on earth did I stay for so long with a man that I didn't think would be a good father? I've felt bitterness when some coworkers had babies in the last couple of years. As I've entered perimenopause, I've mourned the path I didn't choose. It's too late now. I can't change anything and sometimes that feels like a heavy burden to bear.

Whatever you're feeling about the situation is normal and okay. If you can figure out a way to not go, take advantage of it. Say you have a sore throat and don't want to risk passing any germs around at a party. You can always mail any gifts.

Great post, NP.

I am scared of children.

I also don't know what to say to Info's comparison of you to the Ukraine army, @@. I'll miss reading about the hyperboles nearly as much as the fashion reports. Maybe she'll wear a special outfit for your last session?


Hope the session helped at least somewhat.

Today is the 7th anniversary of ex-T abandoning me. Is it wrong that I still am affected by it? I wrote her a letter and mailed it. She should get it today. I didn't include my return address because I know she would have nothing useful to say to me. I also didn't sign with my married name because I don't want her to find me and try to contact me. I just wanted her to know that I still exist and am still affected by it. I don't need her to read it. That part of was me to release some of the pain. All I need is for her to know it's me. And she will. I bet she just throws it away.

But 7 years... I told L my goal next year is to feel good about not writing her on our anniversary. I need to find closure for myself somehow. I think with L's help and also processing things I found traumatic will help.

Today is going to just be a sad day for me.

So sorry, Scarlet. The way I see it, we don't really get to choose how long these things affect us. It sounds like you valued your work with ex-T, and these significant dates tend to resonate for a while afterwards.

I hope you can take care of yourself through your sadness.

Hugs, Scarlet.

Morning couch. So my haircut appt is tomorrow morning at 9, but I'm still not sure exactly what I want! I just know I don't like the way my last cut has grown out and I want something different.

Kit, this might be out of place, but there is a youtube channel by a woman with schizoaffective disorder who decided to have a kid: Living Well with Schizophrenia - YouTube
Not sure this helps, but maybe you don't know it yet. For what it's worth, I wouldn't think any less of you if you had a kid. I also do not think it is selfish what you are doing now - either way is brave.

Acupuncture today. I was her last appointment of the day and fell asleep on the table. She let me sleep for 90 minutes--which is the most continuous sleep I've gotten for several days (she did know that).

I have to say, just from talking to her for a few minutes while she was putting the needles in, she'd be a better therapist than Info.

Lost half my work shifts. Because of emergencies making me unreliable. Like I wanted a landlady going full on abusive, clinically delusional and trying to call the cops on me.

Ugh, I'm so sorry, that's really not fair at all. Hugs if wanted.

Kit, I'm a bit late to the party, but still. I've never wanted kids, even though people told me it would start at some point, I'd still be opposed to it. But in recent years, I've also realized that if the mom (and dad) aren't stable humans, there are just many things that can go wrong. And for a lot of people they do. It doesn't make anyone a bad human to not continue their bloodline. I am the only person in my direct family up to my grandparents that could keep the genes going, yet I don't think it would be right. Neither for me, nor for anyone I'd bring into it. I just know some things wouldn't work for me, and I'd take it out on the kid in some way. It's a good trait to realize you're not currently fit to care for a small human being. If you have it under control in some years, there's still the chance to adopt someone or care for kids in a different way, maybe without them being your genetic children, but I do not think that matters, what matters is your intentions.

Thank you everyone on your thoughtful responses to the post I made about feeling the loss and grief of not having children, despite wanting them, because of my instability with my mental illness. I feel really heard and understood and I am very touched by all your comments.


I don't see a good way out of the baby shower but I am feeling more okay about going. I can hold the happiness (and jealousy) for my cousin in one hand, and my own grief and loss in the other hand. And I think I can manage it without SH. But only because you all listened to me and were validating. Thank you, everyone.

I'm so proud of you, Kit. I hope you will be able to do something nice for yourself in the days following the baby shower.

Hugs, Kit, that seems like a lot of progress!

I keep debating about whether to make this post. I'm going to make it very short. I was someone who was unsure about having kids for a long time. Partly because I didn't really feel that drive that some feel from childhood. Partly due to mental illness and fears that I'd pass it on to my kid(s) and/or would be a lacking mother because of it.

At some point, I suddenly felt the drive to become a mother. I struggled quite a bit during pregnancy and early parenthood. I had peripartum anxiety and then postpartum anxiety and depression (didn't fully realize the depression part until later). It's what led me to start therapy again. I still struggle quite a bit. I often feel that I'm failing my daughter as a parent. I try my best to keep my mental health issues from her, but she's seen me sitting her crying on the couch when I've been struggling. And I know I haven't been as present as I could be for her when I've been dealing with my own stuff.

I do think there are some ways that my struggles have ultimately helped her, though. I could tell fairly early on that something was wrong and pushed to get her evaluated for initially a developmental (mainly speech) delay, then autism. I empathize with her when she's struggling. I don't tell her she should keep her negative emotions inside like my parents did to me. Does that make up for my other shortcomings? It's too hard to say. Because lack of empathy can really hurt a child (or anyone). But I also don't know what other damage I may be doing to her (or what my genes may have done).

I know it may be tempting to judge me. *I* certainly judge me. But I'm trying. It's part of why I spend so much time in therapy, trying to get the anxiety and stress and fears and sadness and other emotions out so that I can be present and loving as her mom.

Thank you, I bought myself a porcelain tuxedo cat charm for a necklace. The cat looks like Helen except it is missing the "thumbprint" on her chin. I ordered it on Etsy so I won't get it for a few weeks but it is sort of my "reward" for doing something hard. And it's adorable. I also plan to do some artwork on Sunday. Have been "into" charcoals lately. I did a cat with charcoals that I sent to my friend in DC. I hope she loves it.

FWIW you sound on here like you are a very good Mom. You are attentive, empathetic, kind, and intentional with her. I think you are doing a good job.

Thank you.