Couch 236: NY PS Langston Hughes

Same here. For me it's like a gnawing itch where I feel the care is fake because I have to pay for it. Even though I know the fee is because the focus is on my needs, just like with my psychiatrist.

My T doesn't disclose much though I notice that when I spiraled into the worst suicidal crisis of my life late last year, she did make efforts to tell me I do impact her in positive ways, such as learning from me. That she trusts our work together and that I've made a lot of progress.

Though I never tend to react well internally when she discloses feeling hurt or offended. She does this for therapeutic reasons as I can be quite abrasive (only with her lol), and we've talked about how she doesn't take it personally...whereas she might if it was from a friend or acquaintance.

I'm sorry it made you feel worse, @@. It sounded like a good idea in theory, but I know from personal experience how time alone can sometimes have a negative effect. I hope that dinner with your friend and returning to civilization will be helpful.

And hugs, if wanted, too.

Thanks for sharing how you experience it, QM.

When I asked ex-MC once about whether he only cares because I pay him, he said, "You can pay me to do my job, but you can't pay me to care." As in, the caring is a choice. So I try to believe that's what T's are doing, choosing to care, not just caring in exchange for money.

In terms of T's disclosing feeling hurt or offended, I don't react well to that either. I'm rather anxious as to what Dr. T will say about my email, if he'll say how he was hurt and/or offended by it. If I was open with my feelings, I figure he'll choose to share his as well, and he's definitely willing to share more negative reactions to things I say and do. So kind of bracing myself for that, but hopefully he'll be understanding along with it.

My T says the same yeah: Can't fake caring, clients can sense insincerity.

I hope Dr T will respond well, and with understanding.

That is certainly their party line. I never believed it, and I consider it patronizing in the extreme, but it certainly is a phrase they seemingly repeat ad nauseam

I'm fortunate, as my T could have refused to see me when I could no longer pay her, instead of seeing me for free.

I'm hoping that my application for a different scheme of temporary financial assistance isn't rejected. The previous one was rejected, and my rent is more expensive now.

I don't like having to turn to strangers for help and I feel my abusive parents would laugh if they knew what state I'm in.

tw politics

I have friends in Russia, I know most people there just want to live their lives and not be used as puppets by the politicians in charge. Just like in most other countries.

There's some people that are mad at all Russians, but be assured, most people realize that this is not the general population that supports all this, it's rather a lot of politics and a stupid guy at the helm. I hope you're safe!

Tw politics:

I see that opposite, as in the Beatles song, "Money cant buy me love". He chooses to go to work / he is paid for that. But you cant pay him to care - there is no choice in that. Remember The Little Prince? It is the time you have spent on your rose etc.

OTOH, caring can be a very selfish thing. If a parent offers only conditional love, that love feels bought. It feels like a choice was made, by both parties. That is not caring, IMO. For caring, i watch videos of big dogs fostering kittens.

I don't hold any ill will towards the average Russian citizen. I see the videos of the protests and I assume that at least some of the people who vocally support the war have fallen victim to propaganda or are afraid to speak what they really think. I feel bad that the economic sanctions are likely impacting everyday life for people who had no influence over the decision to wage war. While I can't speak for anyone else, I can't help but think there are others who place no blame for the current situation on the average Russian.

I feel like such a loser sometimes.

I'm not saying that so you all will tell me that I am not a loser. It's this darn illness. It messes with you.

I decided long ago that I wouldn't be having children because it wasn't fair to the children to have a Mom that is this unstable. Even though I would love the children more than life itself. But a bunch (like 4) of my cousins have been or are having babies within like 6 months. 5 new babies (two were twins)! I have a baby shower to go to on Saturday. I don't want to go but my Mom can't go alone. It's at night and she doesn't do well driving at night. And she has memory issues. While I am happy for this cousin (and maybe a little jealous because she already has everything) I am unhappy for me and that's so selfish of me and plus I chose this (plus life kind of chose this because I never found the right man to get with to have babies). I'm sad and grieving and feel the loss. I don't know. I just feel like a loser today. It sucks. I want to SH to get rid of the feelings but I know ultimately that won't help. Just sucks. I suck.

HUGS Kit.

You made a hard choice. It's not selfish to grieve a decision that you have made.
It sounds so difficult to have something you want but have chosen to give up dangled in front of your face like that. I'm sorry you feel you have no choice but to go to the baby shower.

Is there nobody else who could go with your Mum, so that you could spare yourself this anguish? Your instincts are right, SH won't help in this situation.

I hope you are able to come to a decision that brings you some peace - you deserve that.

More HUGS,

Lost

Thank you Lost. There really is no one else who can go with my Mom. We live in a different town than most of my family so unless my Dad drives her up and then goes to a restaurant or Walmart or something for a few hours there is no other choice but me so I do feel stuck in going.


It is very hard having something I want but have chosen not to have be so constantly in my face. Darn facebook! I did have fun shopping for the baby so that's something. I found all sorts of cute outfits for the child and got the baby a blanket from the Mom's registry.


But today I feel so close to tears because of it but yet, I don't cry so I can't cry so it's all just stuck there in me. And making me feel loser-y. I wish I didn't have this mental illness but I do. I know what it is like to grow up with a Mom who has untreated mental illness because that's how I grew up. And even though mine is treated its not stable so I kind of think that is the same thing. I didn't want that for my children. I get much pleasure out of sponsoring children through Compassion International and one of my boys calls me Mum. And that helps. So I am trying to think of them during this time.


I talked with my T about these feelings but we didn't discuss what to do with them. So they are stuck in me and SH feels attractive at the moment. But I know it would be a mistake. I would feel twice as bad as usual since I gave that up for Lent.


Life is hard. Choices are hard. I've heard the phrase "choose your hard." I chose to give up having children due to the Schizoaffective disorder but it doesn't mean the wish and the want goes away. I always kind of figured if I got stable enough I could foster or something. But I'm getting older and I'm not getting more stable so that might never happen either. I'm super sad today.


Sorry for this long message Couchies. HUGS Kit

Some choices don't feel like choices. I understand the expression, and yet I'm not sure it applies here. You've made a decision that you feel is for the best. I'm sorry you're stuck in that situation. Could you have a chat with your Dad, explain the situation and see what he thinks?

Hoping there's a resolution somewhere that will help you feel a little more at ease.

Yeah, I will talk to my Dad tonight. Thanks Lost.

I can relate Kit. My sister had 3 kids back to back. I love my nieces, and I wish I had my own. My situation is a little different. I would choose to be a parent, but it's just not in the "plans" for me I guess. For some reason I still hold hope even though I know there's basically no chance.

Anyways, I feel for you. It's hard to hold both the happiness for others and sadness for you. But both can and do exist at the same time.

Could your mother not get a taxi back or a lift from one of the cousins? Maybe she could go early and come back sooner before it got dark?

Thank you Scarlet, Thank you Lemoncake. It's nice to be heard.

I feel very similarly.

Hugs to you, Kit. I agree that you should talk to your dad, and I hope it goes well. I hope you can stay safe.


Hugs to you as well, Scarlet.

I hope you can stay safe @@ . Any news on the emergency session?

Dr. T session generally went well today, even though we spent most of it addressing our email exchange about when he'll resume in person, which led to a few tense moments. I think we worked through it all though. (I may write some of that up later, not sure.) Today he said he's thinking of letting clients return in person next Wednesday (a week from today), rather than the end of this month. He said, "It's time."

On an amusing note: I said something about how if he was out partying all the time, but then choosing not to see clients in person to avoid the risk, that might bother me. Dr. T: "Well, I do all my partying alone in the woods." I said I imagined him out there dancing, maybe with some streamers hanging up. Dr. T: "I'm thinking full pagan." Me: "Playing a drum?" Dr. T: "Wearing a bear suit, like Where the Wild Things Are." So we had a (needed, tension-relieving) laugh over that. At the end of session, he wished me a good couple days. Me: "Enjoy your bear party!"

@SlumberKitty
It isn't selfish to not want children for the right reasons. You are thinking about the possible implications of the effect your mental health issues could have on a child. That is one of the most unselfish decisions a person could make. Please don't beat yourself up because of it.

I'm sorry that it's such a hard decision for you to live with and it can't be easy with all your cousins having children. You come across as a very caring and loving person and those children will be lucky to have you in their lives.


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Thank you @East17 I am very humbled and grateful for your words.