Couch 236: NY PS Langston Hughes

Hugs, if wanted, Velcro. Was this the initial email, or did you send a follow-up? If you haven't sent a follow-up, you could just send something like, "I'm worried that I haven't heard from you--is everything OK?" So then she'll hopefully reply before next session (tomorrow, right? Going by Dear T) and you won't have to be as stressed going in.

I know I've walked into a couple sessions terrified about getting a talk, and it's turned out to be fine. This could just be that she's really busy--or hey, maybe it's like how my T accidentally deleted my email a few months ago. I know it's difficult to think that, as my mind tends to go to the worst, and I also fear seeming so needy. So it might be worth reaching out again, in the hopes that you'll hear back before session.

Thanks LT. Yeah, our session is tomorrow. I want to write and be like “is everything ok?” but i won’t because if i AM emailing too much, i don’t want to make it worse. I just re-read my email to her and i actually wrote out “I appreciate you allowing me to send these emails, even though i am waiting for you to tell me to stop.”

last line of my email, then *crickets*

Thank you to whoever recommended The Soul of The Octopus. It was an intersting and riveting read. I give it 9/10 crab legs

Sending positive waves to @@ and Velcro and everyone else who is struggling.

I understand--it's so hard dealing with the uncertainty. And then worrying that another email could make it worse (even though I doubt it would, if it was brief). I hope your session goes well and that all is well on the email front with her, that her not responding had nothing to do with you.

Thanks LT.

Kit-haven’t heard from you in awhile. Doing ok?

That's one of my favorite books. The part where she was still tending to her dying eggs made me cry and grieve for my own lost motherhood.

General broody question: how would you react if you were told you needed dialysis for the rest of your life (but it could easily be 5, 10, 15 years)? Yes or no?

My mother is a no, which is her right and I support it even though it means hospice care and death before the end of the year if not sooner, but every time I mention this to someone they are taken aback and start protesting. Even the acupuncturist, who isn’t pro-Western medicine.

I would be a no. To me, it would not increase the quality of life enough -in fact I think doing it would detract from my quality of life.

I would be a yes because I have young kids. If it weren't for them, I'm not sure. I might try it and see. My dad did dialysis at the end of his life, and it took up a lot of time and seemed unpleasant but not awful. It's hard to say what I would do without being in that circumstance. I'm sorry that you're even having to confront these things.

I'm not sure about me personally, since I'm pretty young and would probably want to extend my life if at all possible. But if I were old, probably would be a no. I'm generally in favor of assisted dying as well (this is legal here and I know many older people who are signed up in case they want to use it, it's pretty well accepted). I have never understood why we let our pets go when the other option is lots of treatment without good odds or with them suffering a lot, yet we try to extend human life as much as we can. If the person themselves is okay with not staying around for another 10 years, then why should we force them? I have seen plenty of people who have more and more health issues that just pile up and none of them have ever expressed happiness about at least still being around, all of them complained about how being like this sucks and how they'd like to not prolong it if possible.

I haven't been around lately. I'm sorry your mother is at this stage.

My dad has been in hospice for almost two years now. He had a stroke and refused rehabilitation services and chose to go into hospice. I think in his mind, hospice was going to be short and death would be imminent, and he was ready to go. My mother had been placed in hospice and died the very next day, so we think that was his frame of reference.

We didn't expect him to live this long either to be honest. But he's still in hospice in a comfort care home. He's been bedridden this whole time. He now has some regrets for having made the decision to refuse rehabilitation. He realizes this has turned into a long-term situation, and because he refused physical and occupational therapy, he is now so far gone as far as loss of muscle mass and strength, that he is stuck in that bed. He's 92 and sharp as a tack, but very much trapped in his bed - due to the choice to refuse further care.

As a family, we chose to respect his decisions. He is of sound mind and these are his decisions to make -- which we sometimes have to remind him of now when he expresses regret. But he is beyond rehabilitation because of those choices even if he wanted to at this point, there is just no way to recover physically what he has lost.

Dad's brother had kidney failure in his last few months. In his case, they did do some dialysis, but even that really wasn't enough to maintain his health, and he didn't last very long. He wasn't a strong candidate for a transplant because of his age and some other factors.

These are hard decisions. We chose to honor our parents' decisions for end-of-life health matters because they were both of sound mind and it was important that they retain that control. People don't always agree, but our response was always that our parents had the right to choose their own medical path, even if it wasn't what others might choose for them. For some, trying every medical option to eke out every extra day is really important -- I can respect that. But I have also seen too closely the strain on both the patient and the family when those interventions become tiresome, sometimes painful, financially draining, and ultimately wear down the quality of those remaining days for the patient and those left behind in the end.

I'm sorry you're experiencing that, ATAT.

Most people who have gone through this with a loved one or who work in the medical field understand the difficult choices involved and recognize that it is an individual decision for each patient and each family. They respect that, because they know how difficult it was for their loved one or for the patients they worked with.

Some of the people who are horrified at the mention of choosing not to extend life at any cost may have seen people suffer at the end of life or suffer through endless medical procedures that are painful, have nasty side effects, that degrade your quality of life, that offer dubious benefits, or so on. I think most of these people have beliefs that boil down to: it's wrong to go "before your time" or before a supernatural force (God or Mother Nature or whatever) deems that you should. They comfort themselves by saying the person is out of their suffering now but ignore the fact that the suffering need not have continued so long in the first place.

I find this extremely rude because really they are imposing their religious or spiritual beliefs on you, but in a subtle way. I would prefer that they come right out and say it. (I've got nothing against religion or spiritual beliefs and I'm a lapsed Catholic myself. But I don't ever impose that on other people.)

It's a difficult decision, ATAT. You might remind your mother that it might be only for 18 months and see if that changes her thinking. (Twenty years is longer than most marriages!) Also ask if her doctors would let her quit dialysis at any time, if she feels that she has had enough. That also could help her make an informed decision. If the answer to that were no, I would never begin... but again, it's an individual decision.

Sent from my SM-S908U using Tapatalk

Similar to ElectricManatee, because I have a...well, not so young anymore (just turned 11!) child, I would feel like I should do dialysis to try to extend my life. It also seems like it would be more palatable to me if it was a case where I could ultimately be eligible for a kidney transplant, so that maybe it's something temporary. I don't get the sense your mother would be eligible for one. But if I was around your mother's age, I'm not entirely sure?

I like MobiusPsyche's thought of seeing if she would be willing to try it out, then could stop if she chose to. Maybe it would make her feel good enough that she would deal with the time cost and discomfort (I assume there's some discomfort involved) of having it done that she'd want to keep going. Or maybe she would decide that it wasn't worth it after a couple months. At least then she could make an informed decision. Is there a hospital social worker who could discuss this with her, maybe, as it might be different coming from an outside person rather than her daughter?

And I'm sorry you're going through this....

Is dialysis painful (other than IV insertion which I could deal with) or does it have other side effects or is it just mainly a time sink? Is the clinic a relatively pleasant place to hang out? Is there something enjoyable I could do to occupy myself while treatment was happening? Would insurance cover the costs or am I going to be spending all my discretionary funds on treatment? Would I be able to travel if I wanted to?

I don't know what my answer would be because I'm not in the same spot as your mom, but those are things I would consider before I made a decision.

ATAT: I don’t understand the backlash either. I would probably be a “no,” but i can’t really say as i am not in that circumstance.

anyone who read or cared about my e-mail drama with my art T, it has been resolved, and i am an anxious idiot. She’s had a migraine the last few days, so looking at a computer screen was a no go. God, I put SO much anxiety into this, and it wasn’t a disaster like i had predicted. ugh.

I'm so glad it wasn't anything about you and that things are resolved! I know how it is with putting so much anxiety into things like that though. Once, ex-MC didn't reply to an email and a follow-up text for nearly a week, and at our next session, he said he'd had the flu and hadn't been able to function until that morning.

In case someone needs a laugh: Today, I went to pick up a grocery order and left my hatchback open as I was carrying stuff into the house. Came back for the last load to see a bee had flown into the back of my car. Of course, I didn't want to leave it in there, especially considering I leave for therapy in an hour.

So I grabbed the closest thing I had, an empty cardboard box, and was trying to swing at the bee in such a way that it would get out of the car and away from me. I had it out, started to shut the hatch, and it flew back in. So I'm there cursing at it and frantically waving the box again. Finally got it out. It's lovely weather out today, so of course a few townhouse neighbors were out in their front yard. I should have yelled "It was a bee!"

Even if I looked a fool, I'm really glad I noticed it then, not when I was on the highway driving to my session trapped in the car with it...

oh my god, one of my worst fears is being trapped in a car with a bee.

I'd rather be trapped with a bee than with a spider.

I'm with you on that one!!

Yeah a bee flew into my car one time on my way to therapy. Fortunately i was on a two lane road, not a freeway, and was able to pull off the side of the road, just before a stop sign as i recall. Still i was freaked out as all heck. Im glad i wasnt stung, i dont do well. I need cortisone or something. I hear anti-perspirant is good, the aluminum draws out the venom?

NP, those would be my considerations also. Life is a funny thing.

I got a new cell phone this morning cuz my old one quit working. I guess they don't make these things to last more than a year and a half anymore. I've been spending the afternoon so far resetting all my app's passwords because of course I don't remember any of them. Haha!

My last car came with tiny spiders. I bought it new so I've really no idea how they came to inhabit the car. I only knew they were there because they kept spinning webs on the inside windshield. I have no idea how they stayed alive but they lived for at least 4 years. They didn't bother me and I didn't bother them.

I just took delivery of my new car in mid-March and noticed the first spiderweb on Wednesday. It's got to have something to do with the area I live in. They are really tiny and I rarely even see them (maybe once a year?).

Sent from my SM-S908U using Tapatalk

My dislike of a spider is proportionate with its size. The one I had to relocate to the outside of my house this morning was much too large for my comfort. If it had appeared in my car while driving, I might have caused an accident. Foot to foot it was probably not quite the length of my thumb. Luckily it was on the wall so my DIY spider catcher was able to nab it successfully and it was relocated all the way to the street so it hopefully wouldn't get any ideas about returning to my house.