Was my therapist observing me for something?

Since we have started meeting in October, at the end of each session we always both stand up at the same time and then she goes and opens the door for me. Since I've been meeting with her she's never allowed me to open the door I assume because of covid. But today as normal when we ended we both stood up. Then she watched me walk across the room and open the door myself and let myself out. She was watching me the whole time and I felt like I was being observed for something. I have lost a lot of weight since Christmas and I have lost a few pounds since we last met. I was also wearing a T shirt instead of my normal hoodie. I'm wondering if she was making sure I still looked healthy. It has been suggested by previous mental health people that I have an ED. But she does know I haven't been feeling good too. We do discuss weight loss and healthy eating but we didn't discuss weight today. I asked my mom about it and she said I looked very skinny this morning. I don't know. I just found the whole thing very confusing since the door situation has never happened before and it did seem like she was observing me when I was opening it.

Does anyone have any insights or anything about what might have been going on?

I wonder what it could mean. Perhaps you are right and she noticed that you had lost weight. A lot of times people do things without thinking too much about them, like their brains are running on autopilot or something. So hard to understand the behavior of people.

I think you're reading a lot into this. I also want to make the observation that although you've historically posted things in Dear T about how your therapists don't need to freak out about your weight loss, you simultaneously post how many pounds you've lost in x days, and it's not a healthy ratio. My impression has always been that you actually want these therapists to be concerned about this issue. You protest too much, apropos of nothing. It's like you're crying out for them to notice or something. I think this idea that she was monitoring you in the way suggested is a fantasy that fulfills some need in you.

Back to the immediate subject. It has been my experience that therapists and doctors who are actually concerned about restriction start doing weigh-ins and getting really controlling about your diet. By that I don't mean they work with you to eat salmon and broccoli rather than junk food, which it seems is your therapist's strategy. They tend to see it as some sort of (imo, ****ed up) progress if you eat a candy bar or drink a soda and actively avoid any attempts at being health conscious when it comes to food.

That's my experience, anyway.

My T used to open the door for me at the end of every session. He hasn’t done it so much recently, he kind of waits for me to let myself out. I feel uncomfortable with it because he can see how much weight I’ve put on more clearly I guess, but I don’t think that was why he does it.

I thought he may have made this change because he wants me to feel more in control of the end of a session, so when I open the door it’s like my choice to leave, vs him opening the door so it feels like he’s making me leave. Another reason that crossed my mind was maybe due to Covid, he wants to keep his distance from me. Or maybe I’m over thinking it all!

Not really. I've had therapists almost give up on me before because of their lack of expierence in this subject. I try to hide these things so they don't decide to switch me to someone else. I don't want her to stop seeing me. So no it was not a "fantasy" I truly felt uncomfortable by the situation and the way she was looking at me when I was leaving.

I was going to say ok I'm not going to argue with you, but I changed my mind. I'm not saying you didn't feel uncomfortable. What I am saying is there's an undercurrent of preoccupation with the idea of a therapist being concerned about you that comes off as if that's your goal. The weight loss stuff comes off like you're "accidentally on purpose" creating a scenario where you are in need of protection/saving/rescue by your therapists. It's not really a stretch to suggest you have some sort of fantasy or phantasy of them saving you from yourself.

You do the same thing with your meds. You take more than you're supposed to then act like you didn't intend them to be concerned when you inform them of it. You put yourself in the sick role and seem preoccupied with them being in a caretaking role.

Basically, what you state you feel and do appears inconsistent with other statements as well as your behavior and what you voluntarily choose to discuss in therapy. Obviously I can't have the whole picture, but this much can be gleaned from your dear t and in session posts.

ETA - No judgement or shaming is intended by me in what I've written. It's hardly unusual for a client to want their therapist to be concerned about them, or to claim they don't want the therapist to know about their self destructive behavior when that's actually exactly what they want. It's hardly surprising given the taboo against so-called "attention seeking."

That was with my transference therapist. This is a totally different therapist. I don't have any transference with her so I don't feel the same way. I honestly don't care if she is concerned about me or not. Plus I just told her yesterday I took some extra meds the other night since I trust her. Since this is another therapist and I don't have the transference or the need to please or the wanting her to be concerned about me or not its easier to trust her with stuff like meds. Basically as I said I just didn't want any unwanted attention. My weight loss has been an issue for myself. Which is my own problem.

First off, I'm sorry your therapist made you feel that you were being "observed". That is never a good feeling- especially from a mental health provider because (due to the stigma around mental health conditions) it can feel especially dehumanizing. So I totally get the discomfort you may have felt around that.

Secondly, based on your last post in which you state that "weight loss has been an issue" I think you should absolutely bring all of this up with your therapist. It is NOT your own problem to solve. You don't have to figure it out alone. Her job is to help you figure this out and help you understand what's going on (without judgement, etc). If you ultimately feel that you have to handle this issue alone, despite efforts to get her help with it, then she is not the right therapist for you.

I encourage you to tell her how you felt leaving the last session. It's ok to bluntly ask her if she was observing your weight or physical condition. It's ok to tell her that weight loss (possibly disordered eating) is an issue that you want to work on. And once she's aware of that, it's her job to keep that in mind, gently bring it to the forefront, and to help you work with it in ways that don't increase any shame or avoidance you may have around the subject. It's her JOB!

PS-She's also much less likely to "freak out" if you can bring the subject into the sessions yourself- even if you just say "I don't really know how to talk about this, but I feel that it's important". Therapists are always more calm when a client has at least some self-awareness about what's going on, even if the client needs a lot of help to work on it in therapy. Hope that makes sense.