Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I liked how you said "what is that blanket? Its very fluffy." When I told you it was the cats blanket you said "you took it from the cats?" But you arent the only one having trouble understanding me and at least people arent being jerks and I'm not getting upset with people.

Hey T and E: It has been a long time since I've seen you guys. Tomorrow should be an interesting day. I'm kind of glad to be back home, but terrified to be without 24/7 support.

Why didn’t you push me to talk? You knew how hard today’s session would be and how awful I would be feeling because of my email, but you let me avoid and stew in my anger and hurt that you’re going to be away for a week rather than encouraging me to talk about it. My petulant response of ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ was to try and get you to show me that you care and tell me that you want to make me feel better before you go, so we should talk about it. But instead you let me avoid, and we both pretended that everything was ok when it clearly wasn’t. I hate you for abandoning me. And yes I’m probably looking for any excuse to be angry at you right now, but spending the session with you teaching me to play chess was a complete waste of my time. What was the point? What is the point in any of this? Therapy is b*llsh*t. You’re b*llsh*t.

I asked my super skinny doctor today about eating healthy and excercising in regards to a serious issue and he brushed it off as not a concern. If a doctor isnt worried or preoccupied about my eating and life style and weight then why are you?

Dear T,
Well, that was really awkward and messy. Why didn't you step into the hall to talk to your wife? I just felt strange overhearing part of that. Although I do appreciate that you were willing to risk getting sucked out of the window by a tornado to continue our session. Had it been a less intense topic, I'd have probably been OK with trying the kitchen or possibly the waiting room if it were unoccupied.

I wish you'd been a bit gentler with me regarding the email. You ultimately seemed to kind of understand, but apparently that was worth 10 steps to NYC while the texts were 1? Clearly I shouldn't have sent it. You made that extremely clear! I wish you could have maybe said you do like me as a client, even if it were, say, "I like all my clients, you included." At least you eventually got the connection with my fears and ex-MC? I just don't know why that maybe didn't occur to you? Maybe I should have included it in the email or something. Like either say what I'm worried about or don't send it at all, vs. what I sent, which was some vague thing with well wishes and such.

I'm going to try my best not to email you this weekend. That's part of why I asked for the extra reassurance while looking in your eyes at the end. I wanted to see that you meant it, that the care (and love) I felt Monday was still in there, at least on some level.

I did sit by the elevators for a bit to wait out the storm. Didn't want to sit in the waiting room in case you came out, as I feared it would look like I was waiting for you.

Hope you get home safely. And that your wife isn't mad you didn't leave the session in the office (though I suspect you might just lie to her about it, or at least say the storm didn't look bad, which it didn't at the time).

Love,
LT

I think I either need to switch you to virtual or to another day. Unless you want a non productive session where I possibly puke in your garbage can and am tired and lightheaded. But maybe it won't be that bad. Plus switching to virtual suddenly has never been an issue for either of us. So maybe I should just wait to see how it goes.

E: I am so scared to veer towards the trauma, but I trust you. That you will be there for me through it all.

Dear T,
Well, are you happy? I did that instead of emailing you. Congratulations, you aren't irritated! Enjoy your f-ing night. Maybe I need to leave you.

LT

hope you're ok, LT.

Thanks, Artie, I am. I probably shouldn't post vague things like that on the couch.

According to my mom, eating tic tacs so that I'm not hungry is considered an unhealthy behavior and thats the kind of stuff you are concerned about. I just thought people who on normal diets did that kind of stuff as well.

Hey L. Do you know, that even though we ended therapy almost 6 months ago, my therapy continues in my head in a way? I guess that's why you always said we're not friends and can never be friends. I hated it when you said that, and thankfully you hadn't had to say it in quite awhile, but I get it now. Seeing each other on the zoom drum circles on occasion is fine, even that one night when he put us together in a breakout room, it was perfectly comfortable/natural, because we both just rolled with it and jumped into practicing whatever particular thing we were working on that night. The set agenda, and the set time frame (esp the very short breakout room of what 10-15 minutes only), and having no control over the time or the content, makes it a do-able thing. Yes, our roles are a little different now, we're no longer T/Client, but something more along the lines of colleagues/coworkers or something like that. I can't really call any of the folks on the calls "friends", because I've never met any of the rest of them in person and I know very little about them personally either. So, it is comfortable for me, seeing you now in this way because it doesn't take anything away from the 'talking therapeutically with you in my head' at all, and I feel like if/when in the future I want to come see you again professionally, I could and it would still be work-able. Anyway. Just my thoughts this morning.

Dear T,
Wow, I really didn't expect you to offer me something tomorrow. Maybe it's because I played by the "rules", asking for a half session instead of emailing? Hopefully it helps rather than hurts!
But thanks.
Love,
LT

I hope you are able to give me the support I need with all this stuff. I am pretty concerned about all the things that are going on. Not really about the results since he reassured me they would 95% most likely be ok. But its just the procedure itself and the fact I have to go to the hospital for it and I can't just get it done at his office or at an outpatient building like I was hoping. Plus I am super concerned about post procedure depression. I wish I had asked him more questions about what the anesthesia would be like.

I am pretty worried about the biopsy. To the point I'm thinking of avoiding doing it altogether. But I don't think you or my mom will allow me do to that since it will just get my anxiety going even more. Plus I don't want my doctors to get annoyed with my either. The procedure on Wednesday will be my 3rd one so I'm kind of used to it by now I just don't know how I'll feel physically after. Anything should be better then how I am currently feeling though.

Life sure changes, doesn't it, L? I stopped therapy, my mom was sick for awhile, H has new health issues, now my son's maybe moving away... and I'm gonna be entering my 60's soon. Life just needs to slow the **** down.

BUT. Among all of this, I have taken 2 more steps toward the life I want. They are baby steps, admittedly, but steps nonetheless.

Dear T, not sure I'm going to write this in the book or not, but I probably should. That felt like a complete waste of time today. I wish I hadn't bothered coming to be honest. And I meant what I said. I don't want to come back.

If you think I look sick on Wednesday, theres 2 possible reasons to your theory. One I just found out this morning from another blood work result. I was kinda thinking too that I looked sick when I took some pictures of myself last night.

Dear T,
Well, that ended up being a pretty intense and also insightful session. I'm glad I pushed through the anxiety and talked about what I needed to talk about, instead of hiding behind a song or something. I think there may have been a breakthrough there, of sorts?

On a random note, it was nice to hear a "Look at you!" again, regarding my step count from the concert. I haven't heard that in a long time.

Also, I'm sort of amused that you like Taylor Swift. I mean, there are a lot worse pop singers you could choose.

Love,
LT

Summer online classes start at midnight tonight, I'd better figure out what I'm taking and get registered. Maybe another psych class, the early childhood development one...

I'm now bricking it about the email I sent you at 2.30 this morning and what your reaction is going to be. I hope we can talk it through later. I was in a really bad place when I wrote what I did.

Lesson learned: never sleep-deprived email your therapist, or at least write it but don't send it until you've had a chance to read it through when properly awake.

I suppose the fact that I was able to tell you what I did, is maybe proof that I am starting to trust you a little more with the heavy stuff. In the cold light of day, I'm starting to have doubts about that though. Please don't let me down on this, it will be the end of us if you do.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

I don't even remember what you do and don't know since things change with me weekly. I guess tommorow we need to discuss how I found out last Friday that I am putting my life at risk by staying on my meds. I will have just had a 3rd procedure right before our session, and I will need that biopsy which I plan on putting off for as long as my mom and my doctor let me out of fear of the pain involved. You getting all this?

I woke up this morning with the vague sense that I'd just been dreaming about you but I don't remember anything else about the dream... just a sense that you were in it. Sees like it's been awhile since you've appeared in one of my dreams.

Thank you for being flexible.
I definitely feel it's weird that I made a specific request, and now I seem to have moved back from it.
The second letter now exists, but I've framed it in such a way that it will need to be the following session, rather than right now.


Thank you for the helping of kindness in your closing words. I needed that today.