Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

MAYBE I'm just supposed to re-create it all with MYSELF???!

That realization just stunned me cold when the lyrics to a Stevie Nicks song came into my head from "":

"We all chase something
And maybe this is a dream
The timeless face of a rock and roll
Woman while her heart breaks
Oh you know the dream keeps coming
Even when you forget to feel"

see this is one of the things that i love so much about poetry is that you never know what someone else is going to get out of it.

Dear T,
Hope you travel safely today.

Wish I was seeing you tomorrow.
Love,
LT

I don't want to suppress my emotions but I don't know how to stop. This vague bad feeling is making me crazy. I don't understand why I started doing this. I've always suppressed certain emotions, but this is on a whole other level.

Also I feel really alone. It's hard feeling this way and not having anybody. I know you want me to make friends, but I can't help thinking that wouldn't really help with this. I don't think one can have an expectation for friends to deal with this sort of thing. It's just too burdensome. People don't know how to respond to severe depression because they feel like they have to do something about it. Because why else would you tell them? I mean, you seem to feel the same way and you're a therapist, so I can hardly expect a friend to be able to tolerate my mental illness when you can't. Plus, I know it can be hard for people to keep caring when it seems like the issue never gets better. I think I would be really draining and exhausting as a friend.

I just wish I had somebody to lean on a little bit without feeling inappropriate or like a burden. Even if you were more supportive in the way I need, I can't depend on you to be there for me more than once a week and that's not enough.

Although it occurs to me that some of my recent attempts to share things with you so that I don't feel so alone have left me feeling low key humiliated. I am making assumptions and doing some mind reading here, but I'm not sure what else to think. I'm specifically talking about how I've made certain disclosures and been met with no response or followup. To me that suggests these things don't matter. If you ignored it outside of session but then brought it up in an appointment, I would feel ashamed because that would suggest I had been inappropriate, but at least I wouldn't feel like it just didn't matter. But then for it to be like I never said anything at all really makes me wonder what you're thinking and humiliated for sharing. I think I'm worried you think I'm just being dramatic to get attention and that I don't actually mean what I said. Which I guess I am looking for attention but it's because I do mean what I said and that scares me.

I feel kind of angry about this, but also highly critical of myself for being angry and for bothering you in the first place. The shame I feel at thinking I matter enough to burden you but then getting ignored is really intense. You can't be a burden to other people when you don't actually matter and I feel like a huge asshole for presuming I actually had the power to burden you.

Is it a problem that I feel absolved from any responsibility to bring these things up again? It seems to me that I've fulfilled any expectation you and Dr. S could have. I did try. With you I was even specific. I could not have been more explicit. If things go wrong, nobody can say I failed to hold up my end of the bargain.

Yo L. So while I'm not in therapy anymore, therapy is apparently still in me.

Huh.

I daresay I hope that lasts awhile.

My feelings for you come and go so quickly. Today I have not been thinking much of you. Maybe a bit but not like the other day. I do wonder though why a medical doctor got back to me on a Saturday night but you didn't respond to my email at all that I sent Thursday morning. Seems a bit backwards in my opinion.

That's it.


Tomorrow I'm writing about the ****ing weeds in my front yard.

Not looking forward to occupational therapy... I feel like a hopeless klutz. The trainer also kicks up anxiety.

I know I chose this because I really need to get connected to my body, improve my coordination and how I process and remember instructions... I still hate being reminded of why I avoided everything of this sort once I was out of school.

Dear T,
This time last week, I was sitting at the beach, watching this same show, but so much more relaxed (and having done a painting). And knowing I'd be talking to you both the next day and the day after (with the way the schedule worked out).

Now there's all this stress and tension in the air around me, I'm not relaxed, and I'm not talking to you until Thursday. I miss last Sunday....

Love,
LT

Still no word about L. I hope all is going well with her. Worried.

Dear T,
Well, got the first of D's assessments back, and most of it is pretty depressing. So I may have a topic to email you about tonight....

On the plus side, the insurance reversed their decision on H's surgery, and it's now approved. So a big stressor is off his shoulders, which I'm hoping means he'll be in a better mindset and snapping at D less. He also realized he'd accidentally been drinking mostly decaf the last few days, which he thinks may have played a role.

Still wish I was talking to your today. Or tomorrow. Or Wednesday. (Though at least you presumably got to your destination safely because you invoiced me this morning.)

Love,
LT

Dear T,
I know it was probably stupid to email you just now, as you most likely won't reply until tomorrow morning. Delusional me hopes maybe you'd happen to see it and dash something off before then. Maybe in some weird way it helps to know you likely won't reply until tomorrow?

I hope it doesn't seem manipulative that I said I wished I could talk to you before Thursday, but I was just being honest. And I said "I know that's not possible." It's not like I said, "Is there any way we could talk?" because that wouldn't have been fair, as it's not an emergency, and you would have said no (you'd have likely said "no" even if it were an emergency, though you said before that you'd probably try to arrange for me to talk to another T).

Love,
LT

I hope you really are in person this week. I know I like virtual but this week I legit need to see you in person. Things have gotten a bit out of control regarding my weight loss and eating habits and its kinda freaking me out. I'm back to the Goldfish crackers, chicken noodle soup no broth diet which is never a good sign.

Dear T: Thanks for checking in on me today. I feel really terrible right now, and don’t know what to do with it. Wed night is so far away.

Do you still have the little turtle I gave you? I don't remember if I ever saw it on the sand play shelves or not but I have to believe that I did, because it's the perfect size. And you know, I think it wants to be used for that purpose. Anyway I quite unexpectedly received a new little stone turtle in the mail today - it's like I have my turtle back and another little connection to you as well.

Dear K,

I hope you like the card that I sent you. I know I should really send them to other people too, and I will try, but I guess I'm just not in that place right now, and I don't want to censor myself. I hope you'll understand.

Miss you.

Dear T,

It's funny, you know. As I was hoovering today I just had a fleeting thought about our session tomorrow and I envisaged myself just sat there, chatting to you normally, telling you about my past. Able to converse and look at you. Able to open up and let things out. Just getting on with the work that we have to do.

And then I remembered.... I don't do that. I can't do that. Somewhere inside me the wiring is all shot. As much as I can see myself doing it, I can't. I just crumble into this pathetic thing who can't look at you. Can't properly talk to you. Who shuts down, gets mad and dissociates at even the slightest hint of this stuff.

Ah well, we can but try I suppose.

Dear T and E: You guys were great tonight, but I still feel so on the edge. I wish I was seeing one of you tomorrow

Dear T,
Please be kind and supportive in your reply tomorrow. And please respond before I have to leave to take D to my parents' in late morning.
Love,
LT

L,
I'm so so glad we're actually on the same path now. You don't know what a huge relief it is. I've been trying so hard for so long to get you to understand, and it turns out that you do! At least somewhat. I was only searching for words for you. I have all the words I need. But if you are grasping everything, then we're on the right track! Phew! So much relief from the anxiety.

I love you L!

How do you put the unspeakable into words?
I've never been comfortable expressing anger, and now I have to get comfortable quickly.
There's a hummed part in the song that I just sent you...most of the time humming is meaningless, but I feel like it means something here.

Dear T,
Apparently I was concerned needlessly about your response to that one line in my email (though maybe you're addressing it in session Thursday? Hoping my apology was enough so that you don't have to bring it up). Thanks for such a thorough, empathetic, and long response, though it wasn't exactly the most optimistic! Then again, you're more a realist (leaning toward pessimist), and I don't think a fully optimistic response here would have been helpful anyway.

Thanks for being there with me through this. This is likely going to be a tough couple weeks between now and getting the full results at the end of the month.

Love,
LT

P.S. I hope you don't charge me for the email, though I understand if you do.

Hey T...

Thanks for being a sensible buddy and affirming you really don't mind using your authority as a psychologist to help me if I get dismissed. I hope you liked the tea bags I gave you.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll get effective pain meds and a referral if appropriate. I also hope your suggestion for my other upcoming medical appointment works.

Being assertive feels so "wrong" given how I've been taught, but those who taught me that are heavily invested in me believing them, over reclaiming my self worth and autonomy.

So many years of needless pain due to inadequate medical and psychiatric care. I wish I had understood earlier just how wrong particular people in my life were, and that their words of "caring", "common sense", "familial love" and "friendship" really didn't match their actions.

Help me, T’s. I am falling.

Dear T,

What is mental health? What does it mean? I always struggle to define it.

Dear T,

Yes, I feel stupid. I feel stupid and pathetic and useless and idiotic when it comes to me being able to talk about stuff. Because I can't do it. Thank you for answering my "why can't I do it" question today, and for hinting at the fact that it isn't my fault. That I'm not those things. That it's just my instinctive reaction to the current situation.

I think I get it, but it doesn't help me feel any less stupid. Or useless. I'll refrain from using the word retard, but only because I don't think anyone should ever be called that. And I guess that includes me. Despite it being how I feel.

I work so damn hard to try and overcome this. I'm grateful for your positivity that I will get there, but I'll withhold my judgement, for now.

I just feel like giving up when every single week I come and every single week it's the same. Sat there, facing away from you, unsettled, anxious, unable to talk. I know we get there eventually, like today, but it's just such a slog, and I miss having K to do this work with.

At least with her I knew that she didn't think I was all the things I think of myself. With you I can only imagine that as soon as I leave you sigh a sigh of relief and mutter to yourself "f***ing hell, what is wrong with her"

Oh, I REALLY hope you didn't give me COVID too!! Also hope you'll be ok. See you in a couple of weeks all being well.