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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,868
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#21
I'm sorry you're going through this, East.
You shouldn't have to worry about discussing the relationship with her. A reduced fee shouldn't mean a reduction in services provided. I think your instinct about using this time to research other Ts is spot on. Take care, Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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SlumberKitty
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*Beth*, East17, LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
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4 23.7k hugs
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#22
I don't understand why you believe that you are responsible for the situation?
She sounds like a rubbish therapist, alright. Perhaps she's bitter about having to care for her husband, who knows. __________________ |
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East17, LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
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Magnate
Member Since May 2017
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,515
7 4,704 hugs
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#23
I agree, and the fact that you feel responsible for this (when it's 100% not your fault!) is probably a sign that she's doing more harm than good. If you're getting enough out of the sessions to help you with your life situation, then maybe focus solely on that for the rest of the pre-paid sessions. If you try to talk about the relationship with her, she seems likely to retraumatize you.
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SlumberKitty
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*Beth*, AliceKate, East17, LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
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Veteran Member
Member Since Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 520
10 39 hugs
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#24
I suppose part of the reason I've stuck with her is because she understands what it's like to be a carer. She works with clients who have trauma and ptsd. She doesn't overreact or go into panic mode about the sui ideation like some Ts do. She doesn't think cbt is a magical cure all for everything.
I would just like to feel as though there was a genuine connection there same as I had with ex-T, but I think I got extremely lucky with her and I don't expect to find that again. Maybe I'm being too picky. No T ticks every box, there's always a trade off. I just have to decide if the good bits outweigh the bad. Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk __________________ To the world you might be just one person; but to one person you might be the world. |
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*Beth*, Favorite Jeans, LonesomeTonight
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Magnate
Member Since May 2017
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,515
7 4,704 hugs
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#25
Quote:
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SlumberKitty
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*Beth*, East17, LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
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Elder
Member Since Oct 2008
Posts: 7,361
15 25 hugs
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#26
Quote:
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SlumberKitty
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East17, LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: In my head
Posts: 1,787
10 1,819 hugs
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#27
Quote:
I agree also that she’s taking advantage of your good nature. Like I’m sorry that she has a lot of demands on her but you don’t pay her so that she can make that your problem. |
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SlumberKitty
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*Beth*, East17, LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
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Poohbah
Member Since Jan 2020
Location: Somewhere I'm working to leave
Posts: 1,243
4 8 hugs
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#28
Quote:
My friend with the string of unhelpful therapists? Their last one claimed to be a "specialist in complex trauma", and did majorly unethical things. Among which which was this "less open and warm" thing, and her defensiveness. My therapist was really horrified by some stuff I mentioned (there aren't a lot of trauma therapists where I live), because I asked her if she knew sliding scale therapists who could help my friend. |
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SlumberKitty
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*Beth*, AliceKate, East17, LonesomeTonight
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
Posts: 2,026
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#29
Quote:
Is this what you would tell a friend if it had happened to them: you brought on yourself, pal Please, be kind to yourself. There is nothing wrong in speaking up when something is wrong. If the other cannot stay at the table with you (and Ts ought to be trained to do so!), it doesn't mean you should 'shut up and put up' with other people's nonsense. You are entitled to express when something displeases you. That's the client's prerogative. IF they get defensive and cannot handle it, it's on *them* not on you. It shows *their* lack and deficiency - not yours. |
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SlumberKitty
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*Beth*, East17, LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
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Veteran Member
Member Since Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 520
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#30
Well since I raised the issue of the constant interruptions, there hasn't been one in any of the last 3 sessions! So T has obviously taken on board what I've said and has taken steps to prevent it happening whilst we are talking. Which I know is only what she should have done in the first place, but it's a shame it has taken a rupture to get here. We will see how long the peace in sessions lasts.
Cynical me wonders if she sensed that I was pulling away and getting ready to stop sessions with her, as the last couple have felt more like they did in the earlier weeks when she had a warmer attitude, seemed kinder and more invested in the therapy relationship. It's almost as though things run smoothly for a while and I just start to get comfortable and feel that I can trust her and want to work with her long-term, then something happens to break that and we are back to square one with me being unsure about the whole therapy process and wondering if I should quit. T says she feels there is an element of avoidance with me. I do want to 'go there' and do the difficult stuff, but part of me doesn't and wants to avoid it at all costs. Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk __________________ To the world you might be just one person; but to one person you might be the world. |
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*Beth*, AliceKate, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel, SlumberKitty
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AliceKate, LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
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Poohbah
Member Since Jan 2020
Location: Somewhere I'm working to leave
Posts: 1,243
4 8 hugs
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#31
Quote:
I'm wondering if she's aware that maybe your (supposed) avoidance comes from her subtle inconsistencies, and I wonder if she examines her role in it, if any. Yes, some of it could be your perception (for example, when my T gets firm with her voice tone, I always feel scared like she's scolding me even though we've worked together a long time), but someone telling you "I'm a safe person" is just words, and does nothing on it's own to convey safety. It's going to be how she is as a therapist/person over time and with consistency that will show your nervous system whether or not she's safe enough or not. When she said she feels there's an element of avoidance, how did she say it? Did she seem to blame you? Or did she say stuff where you feel that given more rapport/trust over time, you could open up to her? I hope that she'll prove trustworthy and helpful. Or if not, that you can find the therapist you need. |
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SlumberKitty
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*Beth*, East17, LonesomeTonight
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
(SuperPoster!)
4 23.7k hugs
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#32
Quote:
Well, I sure do relate to this! Maybe it is true that you have an element of avoidance. It is also very possible that you feel understandably cautious because of the unpredictability of your therapist/therapy situation. Can you trust it? There could be elements of both, too. Just please...speak up if you feel like she's telling you something about yourself that doesn't feel right to you __________________ |
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East17
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,093
4 1,732 hugs
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#33
I'm so sorry you experienced this East and that your T became defensive when you brought it up. You had every right to address this with her because at the end of the day therapy should be focussed on you - that is what you're paying for and it doesn't matter how much or little you pay, she needs to adhere to ethical guidelines and being constantly interrupted by family matters isn't ethical practice no matter what her situation happens to be.
I find it so frustrating that so many of us in therapy are relationally damaged and struggle with voicing our needs to our T's and feeling like we are worthy and then end up having these very issues reinforced by T's who have not worked through their own emotional issues sufficiently enough I'm glad it seems that she might have quietly taken on board your concerns and reduced interruptions. However, I think her defensiveness is a very bad sign and the fact she wasn't able to enter into a honest open discussion with you about your feelings doesn't bode well. When it comes to trauma work you need a therapist who can be rock solid and own their own stuff or else she will re-traumatise you and this could take much longer to recover from. I see you live in the UK as well. Finding therapists here doesn't have to be hard. I've worked with several and most were amazing in different ways. Please don't feel you have to 'put up' with one T who is kind of okay because you might not find someone any better. That kind of thinking is the result of trauma and just isn't true. As someone else said, no therapy is better than bad therapy. Tread carefully with this T and definitely check out other T's in the process. A therapist who owns their own stuff, is self-aware and honest and empathic towards YOU is worth their weight in solid gold. |
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*Beth*, SlumberKitty
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*Beth*, East17, LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
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Veteran Member
Member Since Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 520
10 39 hugs
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#34
Logically know you are right about this. But I think I'm scared that I already had that "worth their weight in gold" T in my life (the one who died earlier this year) and that no one else is going to match up to her. I think it's why I keep giving this one more chances than maybe I would otherwise, because I don't feel I'm being fair in comparing her to ex-T.
I'm not saying ex-T was perfect, far from it, and she definitely pushed me in ways I didn't like or appreciate at the time. But I did recognise that she was 100% committed, passionate about her job and genuinely invested in doing her best for me. I just miss her so much, and the strange therapy relationship being what it is, I can't talk about her with anyone else who knew her. I don't feel comfortable talking about her to current T, although she said it's ok, but it just feels too weird. I was going to speak to someone else just about the bereavement stuff but after having waited 3 weeks for the appointment, they had to cancel at the last minute due to illness. I feel if I can't get all the complicated mixed up things out of my head about ex-T, I'll never be able to move on with someone else. That sounds too weird even to me. Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk __________________ To the world you might be just one person; but to one person you might be the world. |
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*Beth*, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel, SlumberKitty
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Quietmind 2
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
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#35
Ack, that is very rough.
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SlumberKitty
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East17
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Elder
Member Since Oct 2008
Posts: 7,361
15 25 hugs
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#36
I understand this sentiment perfectly. I hope you are able to talk about it with current T, or find another T to talk about it. Grief over losing a T is REAL and should be processed.
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SlumberKitty
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East17, Quietmind 2
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,911
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#37
Quote:
This all sounds so difficult, I'm sorry. Is there a specific reason why you feel you can't talk about her with your T? Is it that she knew her? I ask because I went to my current T to consult about my transference for my marriage counselor, as my individual T at the time wasn't helping. After I'd already set up the appointment, I learned that he used to work in the same practice as the marriage counselor. I was going to keep him anonymous, but realized certain details (his wife dying, in particular) could make him realize who I was talking about. So I just told him and asked if he felt he'd be OK with my talking about him, if he felt he could be objective. And he said yes. I now feel I've pretty much put ex-MC behind me. But I needed to talk about him quite a bit in therapy in order to do so, to process what had happened. So I think it's worth attempting to do that with your current T or to keep looking for someone else who can help you with that. |
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AliceKate, SlumberKitty
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East17, Quietmind 2
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,093
4 1,732 hugs
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#38
Having a deep relationship with one T doesn't mean you'll never find another wonderful T who you can connect with deeply, albeit in a different way as relationships are all different.
I'm a case in point. I had a very deep attachment to a T I saw many years ago at an agency. Our work together ended because she left the agency after 3 years. I missed her so much that I dreamed about her nearly every night for at least a year and I cried pretty much every day too. It took me much longer to get over her. Up until a few years ago I'd still occasionally cry about her, and to this day I have the odd dream of her. Now I've been working with a T who I have such strong feelings for that it's honestly like being in love. I never thought I could feel strongly about anyone after my ex T but I do. It's NOT the same, they are very different people, the love is totally different, but the depth of connection is more intense than it was with my ex T. So please don't write off your chance to connect with another amazing T. It won't be the same, but it can still be special. In the meantime, try and find a T who you can at least process your feelings about ex T with. I did when I started seeing a T straight after it ended with ex T. I grew not to like her in some ways, albeit she was helpful in others, but at least provided a space for me to process my feelings about ex T. She even told me there will be others who I meet and grow to love, it won't end with ex T. I didn't believe her of course, but she was right. I know it's painful when you're grieving for a therapist you loved. Just please know you can still go onto develop deep attachments with others. Keep your heart open and don't give up. |
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SlumberKitty, Waterbear
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AliceKate, East17, LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2, Waterbear
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,739
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#39
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AliceKate
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Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,431
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#40
Starting over with a new T has its pros and cons. For some, they find a better T. For others, they don't find a T that matches with them. And then there's many other scenarios that are true too. Suggesting that one way or the other is best, doesn't mean either will apply to an individual. But if an individual has the wherewithal to keep trying, then it might definitely be worth it.
I have been with both bad Ts, mediocre Ts, good Ts, and great Ts. I went from mediocre to bad to great to bad. Took an 8 year break because of agoraphobia. Found a bad one, then a good one, and now a great one. For me, I needed a therapist's help. There was no other way for me. My point is that everyone is different and everyone has different experiences. It IS a possibility that one might find a good T after a bad one. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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*Beth*, AliceKate, LonesomeTonight
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