Do you cry in front of T?

Are you comfortable doing so? Or maybe you wish you could..

How do you feel about T seeing your tears?

Oh, I cry more sessions than not--by a large margin, like 80% of the time, I'd say, sometimes just a little teary-eyed, other times total sobbing, and everything in between. I mean, today I cried quite a bit, and when I was leaving, my T asked if I wanted to throw my pile of tissues away (instead of taking them with me, as I often do--I'd had them on my lap, not like on his chair or something), so he lifted off the top of his trash can for me. I said, "This way, it's like I'm leaving the tears here," and he said he guessed I was, that he hadn't thought of it that way.

The first time I cried in front of him was probably our third session, and I got really emotional and felt sort of freaked out after because I felt rather exposed. And maybe a bit ashamed. But he was accepting of it.

He doesn't do anything like offer me tissues (well, he pointed to where they were the first time, and he'll get a new box if I use the last one), and he just acts normal if I'm sitting there crying. As in, neither trying to comfort me nor trying to get me to stop/calm down. And honestly, that's exactly what I need. I mean, sometimes if I start crying randomly while he's talking, he'll say, "What's going on?" but in a curious, not judgmental way. I do apologize when I'm crying a bunch sometimes, like if I'm having trouble talking or showing more emotion than I want to about a particular thing, like his going out of town.

My parents gave me the message that I wasn't supposed to cry in front of people, that I should keep it inside. So anytime I cry in front of someone the first time (friend, someone I'm dating, employer, therapist), I feel this shame, like, are they going to want me to stop? Are they going to reject me now that I've cried in front of them? (Well, if my boss, "Are they going to fire me now?" I've only cried in front of a boss a few times.)

So it's like with my T (and ex-T and ex-MC), just sitting there with me when I cry, letting it happen, letting me get my emotions out without trying to control them--that feels very healing. Crying also tends to be a release for me--I often leave a particularly emotional session feeling a bit lighter (though also sometimes rather exhausted). And letting it out then can also help me sort of "keep it together" at times when I feel I need to. And it also feels different from crying alone (in my car, my bed, wherever). Like, I don't know, he's containing it somehow. Anyway, if you can't tell, I think it helps me.

I didn't much with my first two - I wasn't in that place. It really wasn't a matter of comfort; I just didn't have the tears.

With my last, I cried, sometimes sobbed. Was it comfortable? Absolutely not. But it wasn't about the therapist. I just don't like to cry in front of people -- any people -- too much snot. LOL. I was fine crying in front of him though. He seemed to take it mostly as pretty normal.

Hi Rive,

I spent eighteen months preparing for crying in front of R. I strongly felt it was something I needed to allow myself to do, and yet I was so anxious about it that I couldn't even say the word.

When it finally happened, it wasn't something I could have planned. Several things had happened at once over the course of the week. She comes to my home for sessions, so when she arrived she asked how I was doing, and I just broke.

She spent much of that session sitting on the floor beside me, holding my hands.

'We've spent so long preparing for that moment,' I said.

She replied: 'I have to admit, we've spent a long time talking about it, but I didn't think it would actually happen...'

During the various lockdown restrictions here in the UK, we worked virtually. I found that very difficult, and it was complicated further by the fact that I cried nearly every session. I really felt the distance, so it was hard to feel her comfort.

I haven't cried in front of her since we resumed working in person, but I think it will come. When I'm in the middle of significant emotions, I need her to be close by.

I appreciate that she just views it as something that is happening. She sees me in pain, but it's not grotesque to her.

Pretty Much what Artley said. It depended on where I Was in the process. I’m not a crier mostly but when I was at at vulnerable place I did. No it was not comfortable but it was a release. I never gave what the T thought a thought. I’m sure they’ve dealt with many tears before and will again.

I, in general, am not a crier. I had t cried with my regular T in 7 years. I only did because i lost my cat of 14 years, and was in despair.

With my trauma T, it has been slightly different. She saw me cry a bunch when I was at the crisis center. Then she was there for the aftermath of losing my cat, so lots of crying there.

I don’t really like it, and hide my face, but my T’s has always handled it wonderfully.

I don't think I've ever cried in front of an outpatient therapist. I'm one to yell before crying anyways when feeling vulnerable (and I have yelled during quite a few therapy sessions). Crying comes after the session.

In regular therapy I cry maybe a third to about half of the time. It depends on whether I'm talking about intense stuff or more mundane things. My T sometimes gets a little softer/quieter when I'm crying but usually she's pretty normal. Once when I was really sobbing she called me "honey," and I could tell it just kind of slipped out but I liked it anyway. It's usually cathartic to some degree to cry in front of her. I've been in therapy long enough that it doesn't really bother me anymore. (I thought it was bizarre that the therapist didn't react much the first time I ever cried in therapy, but that was like twenty years ago.)

With my EMDR therapist, I don't usually cry unless we're reprocessing something and then I think I always cry. Sometimes crying is the least intense physical thing to happen during EMDR (compared to nausea, shaking, muscles getting tense, etc) so I barely notice it.

I am still wearing an N95 to sessions (the 3M V-Flex, which is pretty comfortable), and I still haven't mastered wiping the tears vs. letting them fall into my mask and how to blow my nose in a non-awkward way. One more Covid skill to master, I guess?

I'm not sure how I'd make it work if I had to (or opted to) wear a mask. I don't know if I'd cry considerably less or would just spend much of an emotional session with a tissue near my eyes and covering them if I started crying. For whatever reason, I don't tend to have to blow my nose that much when crying unless I'm really sobbing, but I guess I'd have to figure that out.

I did meet Dr. T for a few outdoor sessions last year in a public place (people sitting at tables nearby), and I teared up briefly for a couple of them but was able to control my tears because I didn't want to be sobbing in public. I also mostly avoided topics that are more likely to cause tears for me, or at least didn't go that deep into them. So I am able to control tears in therapy if the situation warrants it. But I wouldn't want to feel like I had to do that every time.

Yes, completely comfortable.

I have cried quite a few times. It depends what it's about, if it's over something like a close family member dying then I did not feel uncomfortable at all. If it's one of those sessions where crying creeps up on you and there is nothing you can do to stop it, I do get uncomfortable.

Plus my T never comments on the fact that I'm crying anymore, which kind of makes me feel worse? Like he doesn't notice or something. Kind of wish he would just offer me a tissue or something.

In some circles, I think offering a tissue could be seen as a silent cue to stop crying.

Yes, I've read a discussion on this on, I think Quora, where someone was asking why a therapist didn't offer a tissue. And some T's who responded said they were trained not to do that for the reason you said, that it could seem like they were trying to stop or control it. Plus because some people are self-conscious about it, it would seem like the T is drawing more attention to it.

Lostislost, if that's something you feel you'd want, maybe you could ask your T about it? Or at least wanting him to comment on your crying.

Occasionally, and I'm not comfortable with it at all. I feel like I'm crying and he's just sitting there waiting for me to finish. Same as if I took a bathroom break or something.

I sometimes cry with L. Sometimes we even schedule sessions with the goal being to cry. When I do cry, she tries to have me stay with the emotions so I can work through them instead of repressing them (like I've been taught to do). I used to hate crying in front of her. I felt she was just sitting there judging me. I don't feel that anymore. We normally hold hands now when I cry amd it lets me know it's okay and she's with me.

We've talked about not offering a tissue. She (and T) have said that they're trained not to. That it often tells the client to stop crying (like what LT and LostOnTheTrail wrote). I told L I like it when she offers, but she rarely does. But if I ask, she'll get up and get it. Or if we're going to have a crying session, she'll already have it out for me. I don't mind the tears. It's the snot that I'm embarrassed about. L says she's fine with snot...lol. I'm still not.

My therapists all had tissue pretty much next to every seat in the office, so the whole handing the tissue over was not an issue.

My T always hands me/offers me a tissue. Today she bumped my leg with a tissue box to get my attention. lol. I hide when I cry, so I can't actually see her. I never felt like she wants me to stop crying, more that it would help to wipe my nose.

I cry frequently in therapy. Like, almost every time. I rarely cry in real life, so I think of it as years of pent-up unshed tears finding their way to the surface. Sometimes I'm comfortable with it, if the content is heavy and it seems like anyone would cry over it. I'm uncomfortable with it when I'm crying about something related to my T. Like, sometimes his care is almost too much for me to handle and it makes me cry and then I am embarrassed.

He remains pretty neutral about crying, but leave plenty of space for it. He has a box of tissues next to the chair where I sit. I have commented about being self-conscious about how much I cry, so he occasionally teases me about it (I think to make me less self-conscious). Like, once in session we heard the sound of a truck backing up and he said it was a bulk delivery of tissues that he ordered just for me.

I'm a crier anyway, pretty much regardless of where I am and therapy was no exception. L always had a box of kleenex on the floor next to the couch and a trash can right next to it. For the most part she never really reacted too much to it either way, it was just a thing that happened sometimes.

I really should try and remember to ask him about it when I'm not crying! I am interested in his reasons.

If I have to cry the tears come. My t cries, too. People cry. I don't think much about it.

It's always been a big issue for me due to my upbringing because emotions were never expressed, or, when they were, they came out in destructive, dysfunctional ways.

It took me many months to show any tears with all the therapists I've had. I still struggle to cry and wish I could more.

I have to say that I've cried the most with current T. On a few memorable occasions she held me in her arms - one time we were both on the floor -and I sobbed against her. I still think about it and feel the relief.

Mostly now I cry every few weeks or so and it's always a relief when I can. Normally it's a few tears, sometimes I end up sobbing a little.

Generally for me, allowing myself to cry with T has been very healing.

I'm not much of a crier anyway. My parents were the "I'll give you something to cry about" type if I was crying as a child so I learned to suppress it. I did cry with my former T at my last session but it was over the phone so she didn't see me cry. Though I was sobbing so she did hear it. With current T I haven't cried yet. I do wish I could sometimes. But I guess it's not something that can be forced.