[East17]

When I started with my present T, she made me aware that her husband is physically disabled and as she is his carer, there might be the occasional necessary interruption to the session, I accepted that. However, 2 weeks ago there were 5 interruptions in a one hour session. She was late with no message. We were interrupted by text messages, doorbell, mobile phone call, land line phone call and her cat. I just didn't feel as though she was fully present with me and towards the end she was more focused on getting ready for her next client and then had to hurriedly finish because of another phone call.

If these distractions were happening on the clients side, I'm sure a T would suggest a break in therapy until focused sessions could resume. The occasional interruption is forgivable, but we've been working together for 7 months now and it's happening almost every week. I feel like she is taking advantage of my good nature. It's as though everyone else is more important in the time that I am paying for. As a client I feel that the very least I should be able to expect is that the session I am paying for is my time.

I should feel like I can raise this with her, but after losing my previous T in difficult circumstances it was so hard finding someone else I felt comfortable with, I'm not sure I can face starting again. However, I don't feel ok about doing trauma work with her under these conditions.

Just wondered what other people's thoughts are on this: would you put up with it? Say something? Leave and look for another T? Something else?


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[Rive.]

If it happens once or twice, I would let it go.

If more than that, I would say something. I would tell T that it is difficult for me (to process, open up, share... *state however it is impacting you*) & either move me to a better time (where there would be less distractions on T's side) or what can we do about it because it is (seriously) impacting my sessions / session time with T.

[SlumberKitty]

I agree with Rive.

[Oliviab]

Yeah, no. There's no way I could do therapy this way. I think a little bit of flexibility is occasionally warranted, but we are essentially paying our therapists for their undivided attention for an hour. You are not getting what you are paying for. I honestly do not understand how she justifies this many interruptions and still thinks she is doing her job. I would definately bring it up to her, focusing on how it makes. you feel and the impact it's having on your therapy. If she gets defensive and tries to justify it, I would look for another therapist (I know that's easier said than done).

[ElectricManatee]

I couldn't handle this on an ongoing basis. Not only is it unfair on a practical level, but it would also bring up thoughts about not being important or worth caring about, which is the exact kind of thing I go to therapy work on. I can handle the occasional disruption because I am a reasonable person, but that translates to maybe once or twice a year.

I would talk to the T about what is happening and what isn't working for me. She may not be able (or possibly willing) to change anything, which would be good information to have. But it kind of seems like this T hasn't been a good fit from the beginning, if I'm remembering right? I know finding and meeting new therapists is really difficult, but it's probably worth it if you want to find somebody you can feel comfortable opening up to and who is more careful about preventing disruptions.

[Fuzzybear]

This would make me feel very uncomfortable. I completely get what you mean about it feeling its as though everyone else is more important in the time you are paying for. Totally wrong! I'd talk about it with the T and if she can't or won't change this... well I don't think I'd put up with it

[velcro003]

I'm on board with everyone here. It seems like way too much disruption in general, not to mention in one session!

[East17]

Thank you all for your comments and for the validation that I'm not being unreasonable in wanting the therapy time I'm paying for to be focused on me. I was starting to feel like I just had to accept shabby treatment in order to keep working with this T, but you've all made me realise that I deserve better than that.

I've put how I feel in an email and sent it so she has time to read it and consider the issues I've raised before our session later today. I think this could be make or break depending on how she reacts.

Omg I so hate any kind of confrontation, especially with someone I'm trying to build a trusting relationship with, but I can't go on like this.

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[LonesomeTonight]

Just wanted to add that this would really bother me, too. If it was a one-time thing, like if she was having work done on her home, the calls were about that, then she needed to let the workers in (doorbell), then that's something I could look past. But it sounds like they're not one-time things. Most of them have easy solutions--put her cell phone on silent (unless she's anticipating an emergency), turn off the ringer on her landline (if it's in her office), and keep the door closed to keep the cat from coming in. Even the doorbell, she could simply decline to answer it if she wasn't expecting something.

If the texting is from her husband needing something, she can also set up her phone so that only those calls/texts come through when it's on do not disturb.

I think it's good you sent an email. It should be obvious that this isn't acceptable, but apparently it isn't to her! I hope she responds well and makes some changes to avoid frequent disruptions.

I will say that I've said something to both ex-MC and current T about looking at their cell (and, for ex-MC, having the sound on and looking at it whenever someone called or texted). In those cases, it didn't change their behavior, but I felt better having said it, and they did explain the reasons behind it.

And I was actually rather delighted the few times my current T's pets made an appearance, just because they showed a different side to him. Though I think it would depend on how your T reacted, like if she started talking to and focusing on the cat instead of you, that would be an issue. Or went to go feed him/her.

[notmeinreallife]

I'm sorry you are going through this East17. It would make me feel like I'm not important as well. I think a discussion is needed and if she refuses to acknowledge, talk about it, or can't change it then I would have to look for another T. This is hard I know so what I am saying sounds easy but I know it is very difficult. Lots of hugs to you.

[*Beth*]

Let's see how your therapist reacts to your email. But... regardless of that, from my own experience of having a "shabby therapist" (good term!) I realize that, after 3 years of her repeatedly putting me, as her client, as less important than her own needs I have allowed myself to be abused. I should have ended the relationship 2 1/2 years ago. Now I'm broken all over again.

[East17]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Let's see how your therapist reacts to your email. But... regardless of that, from my own experience of having a "shabby therapist" (good term!) I realize that, after 3 years of her repeatedly putting me, as her client, as less important than her own needs I have allowed myself to be abused. I should have ended the relationship 2 1/2 years ago. Now I'm broken all over again.

I'm so sorry you have gone through that too *Beth*, it's miserable isn't it. Have you managed to extricate yourself from the therapy relationship with this T or are you still with her?

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[East17]

I don't know what to make of that session. It was a difficult conversation to have. She was quite defensive at times. She explained (tried to justify) rather than apologised and I did feel like she was putting the responsibility on me rather than on her. "I'm sorry you felt it interfered with your session." "I know you thought I was distracted and you didn't have my full attention, but you really did." I'm not sure if the defensiveness was because she knew she was in the wrong but couldn't admit it, or whether it was because I was calling her out on the behaviour.

I realise it's likely a psychological tactic on her part, but I came off the call feeling as though I'd made a fuss over nothing and was wrong for bringing up the issue. I really don't do well with conflict and I have so little irl support I can't afford to screw up this relationship. I'm worried I've caused irreparable damage and not sure how to fix it without backtracking over the concerns I've raised, as I do believe I was right to raise them.

Doing trauma work over video is hard enough but having to cope with all the interruptions as well, it's impossible. Not sure if I should even try and repair things or start looking for another T now.

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[LostOnTheTrail]

'Not sure if I should try to repair things.'

FWIW, East, that reads to me like you may be trying to take responsibility for the situation.
This really isn't on you - if your T is unable to provide the level of support and care you are paying for, then you're within your rights to seek another therapist.

I appreciate that life happens, but for your session to be interrupted five times is not on.

I hope you can find somebody who is willing and able to help you.

[Quietmind 2]

Originally Posted by East17

I don't know what to make of that session. It was a difficult conversation to have. She was quite defensive at times. She explained (tried to justify) rather than apologised and I did feel like she was putting the responsibility on me rather than on her. "I'm sorry you felt it interfered with your session." "I know you thought I was distracted and you didn't have my full attention, but you really did." I'm not sure if the defensiveness was because she knew she was in the wrong but couldn't admit it, or whether it was because I was calling her out on the behaviour.

I realise it's likely a psychological tactic on her part, but I came off the call feeling as though I'd made a fuss over nothing and was wrong for bringing up the issue. I really don't do well with conflict and I have so little irl support I can't afford to screw up this relationship. I'm worried I've caused irreparable damage and not sure how to fix it without backtracking over the concerns I've raised, as I do believe I was right to raise them.

Doing trauma work over video is hard enough but having to cope with all the interruptions as well, it's impossible. Not sure if I should even try and repair things or start looking for another T now.

No therapy might be better than bad therapy, East.

I understand not having any offline support, and my concern here is that she will keep on continuing to harm you due to her inability or unwillingness to be an ethical therapist.

Your experience reminds me of one of my friends. Like you, they show willingness to give the other person the benefit of the doubt...which is a good trait in general...except that can result in a lot of harm in the hands of a defensive and unprofessional therapist.

Each time, they came away (after a time of self doubt about wanting to leave the therapist) feeling even more self doubting, feeling more defective, which meant more isolation. Particularly when the therapist was defensive when they carefully brought up their concerns like you did.

How can you do trauma work in a safe way when she doesn't care about your well-being? It's her job to help you process trauma safely, yet she's not even doing the most basic things novice therapists are expected to do.

[ElectricManatee]

I'm seeing red flags all over the place in your most recent post, East. It will not be safe to do trauma therapy with this T. In a way, it's helpful that she is showing you that so unambiguously. You are clearly in the right about this issue, and the fact that she made you feel like it was somehow your fault or that you're making a big deal out of nothing is a huge warning sign. You would likely hit more nuanced issues later in therapy, and if she can't handle this issue properly, then she certainly won't be able to handle those.

[Oliviab]

I agree with the others. This is not a "good enough" therapist. Defensiveness is never a good trait in a therapist, and I would find it impossible to feel safe enough with this therapist to do trauma work. I'm so sorry she has let you down (let you down by not being fully present and then let you down HARD when you tried to address it). You deserve better.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by East17

I'm so sorry you have gone through that too *Beth*, it's miserable isn't it. Have you managed to extricate yourself from the therapy relationship with this T or are you still with her?

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I am seeing a different (and much better) T; unfortunately he's leaving the clinic in 2 weeks. As for the other one - it's a completely confused mess. I'd hate to see anyone else go through that with a therapist.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by East17

I don't know what to make of that session. It was a difficult conversation to have. She was quite defensive at times. She explained (tried to justify) rather than apologised and I did feel like she was putting the responsibility on me rather than on her. "I'm sorry you felt it interfered with your session." "I know you thought I was distracted and you didn't have my full attention, but you really did." I'm not sure if the defensiveness was because she knew she was in the wrong but couldn't admit it, or whether it was because I was calling her out on the behaviour.

I realise it's likely a psychological tactic on her part, but I came off the call feeling as though I'd made a fuss over nothing and was wrong for bringing up the issue. I really don't do well with conflict and I have so little irl support I can't afford to screw up this relationship. I'm worried I've caused irreparable damage and not sure how to fix it without backtracking over the concerns I've raised, as I do believe I was right to raise them.

Doing trauma work over video is hard enough but having to cope with all the interruptions as well, it's impossible. Not sure if I should even try and repair things or start looking for another T now.

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Please, please do not see that therapist anymore. I cannot reiterate strongly enough how important it is that you get away from her. She has issues, they are clear even to me, and therapy with her will backfire on you.

[East17]

After the mini rupture last time, I really needed today's session to be a good one given how crap things have been, but it was pretty rubbish and has left me feeling unheard and invalidated. T felt I was overreacting about the dissociation issue I'm struggling with (I asked her outright and she said 'yes a bit'). The rest of the conversation was all very general and I wasn't feeling any connection between us. It was as though T was still a bit guarded and not as warm and open as previously.

I know I've only got myself to blame for this state of affairs. Although I don't think I should have to be worried about bringing up issues that bother me about the counselling relationship with her, but it seems I really hit a raw nerve last time and it's going to take a while to recover from it. Trouble is while we're recovering from it, I'm left feeling unsupported and yet she knows how much I'm relying on this therapy to keep me functioning through some really bad stuff.

T seems to think that because she doesn't charge as much as some therapists (although it's not an inconsiderable sum to me), that she feels I should have been more understanding about all the interruptions, she didn't actually say that, but it felt implied.

As I've paid upfront for this batch of sessions I need to see them through, but in the meantime I might use the next few weeks to research some other T's and see if I can find someone I feel more at ease with.

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[LostOnTheTrail]

I'm sorry you're going through this, East.

You shouldn't have to worry about discussing the relationship with her. A reduced fee shouldn't mean a reduction in services provided. I think your instinct about using this time to research other Ts is spot on.

Take care,

Lost

[*Beth*]

I don't understand why you believe that you are responsible for the situation?

She sounds like a rubbish therapist, alright. Perhaps she's bitter about having to care for her husband, who knows.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I don't understand why you believe that you are responsible for the situation?

She sounds like a rubbish therapist, alright. Perhaps she's bitter about having to care for her husband, who knows.

I agree, and the fact that you feel responsible for this (when it's 100% not your fault!) is probably a sign that she's doing more harm than good. If you're getting enough out of the sessions to help you with your life situation, then maybe focus solely on that for the rest of the pre-paid sessions. If you try to talk about the relationship with her, she seems likely to retraumatize you.

[East17]

I suppose part of the reason I've stuck with her is because she understands what it's like to be a carer. She works with clients who have trauma and ptsd. She doesn't overreact or go into panic mode about the sui ideation like some Ts do. She doesn't think cbt is a magical cure all for everything.

I would just like to feel as though there was a genuine connection there same as I had with ex-T, but I think I got extremely lucky with her and I don't expect to find that again.

Maybe I'm being too picky. No T ticks every box, there's always a trade off. I just have to decide if the good bits outweigh the bad.

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[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by East17

I suppose part of the reason I've stuck with her is because she understands what it's like to be a carer. She works with clients who have trauma and ptsd. She doesn't overreact or go into panic mode about the sui ideation like some Ts do. She doesn't think cbt is a magical cure all for everything.

I do think this might be a little more common than you think, or at least it is in the U.S. If you can find somebody who specializes in trauma (and actually knows what they're doing!), they are likely to tick all of these boxes (I guess depending on how broad your definition of carer is.). Both of my therapists would fall into these categories, for example. But you still might have to interview a few before you click with somebody, and I know how draining that can be.