I still think about my transference T

I last saw her through telehealth on Febuarary 23rd 2021. Its been really tough. I am on my 4th therapist since then. All 3 either were odd or bailed out on me. I'm finally getting settled with my new one and she has expierence with eating disorders which is mainly why my transference T didn't want to work with me.

Its just, I'm still attracted to her. I still have feelings for her. I think the issue is that she was the last person I felt any attraction to before my biweekly injections were moved to weekly. Then things calmed down and I haven't liked anyone since. Especially after my hystrectomy things majorly calmed down hormone wise, but I want to like someone. My mom said I looked really sad and I lied and said I was tired but I just miss feeling attracted to people. But I feel amazing having the outside of me match the inside. I finally feel like me. I don't regret doing anything

I know this can sometimes happen to trans people and they may turn to binge eating or some other type of unhealthy coping skill, but with me I just am very focused on the last person I was attracted to. Which happened to be my transference T.

I don't know how to get past this. I tried discussing it with my last therapist and she freaked out and thought I was going to have transference with her too so she put up all these strong boundaries and now I'm scared to discuss it with my current therapist because she doesn't act like the last 3 therapists I had. She's different then them and I don't want that to change.

Sorry this post is so long. Does anyone have any suggestions? On how to move past this, or how to discuss it in therapy without my therapist thinking I'm attracted to her as well?

I would simply state all that you have stated here. Start with how you love that your outside fits your inside and you wouldn't change it, but you grief the side-effect of not being attracted to anyone. You remember how it was to be attracted to someone and when she asks who you were attracted to last you can tell her that it was a former therapist. Instead of discussing her in detail, I would next suggest that you talk about the other 3 Ts that came after, espacially your last T and how she reacted badly towards this, and how you now fear your current Ts reaction based on this.
I would spend 1-3 sessions or such (a significant amount of time) on your fears regarding talking about your transference T and you grieving the loss of sexual desire and the conflict this causes. A significant amount of time for her to realize you are not attracted to her. Then you could move on to working through your transference to the T you had before 2021.

Of course this scenario isn't set in stone

Can I say, as a p.s., that binging and not eating are both basically the same type of unhealthy coping strategy? Just thowing that in there, if I may

It's normal, I still have feelings for prior Therapists of mine, one in particular who I stopped seeing close to a decade ago.

I know it's scary to fear how a therapist might take something especially if you fear they'll take it personally. I still suggest trying to talk to your therapist about it. Slowly if need be. If your therapist is any good, she'll be accepting of you even if you develop an attraction to her later on.

With L, I have talked about my sexual fantasies involving her and I'm not even attracted to her! I'm heterosexual. We also talked about how I'm jealous of her H for getting to marry her and that I can't. Then there's my secret and my past sexual history. She has never judged me or rejected me for any of it.

However, with ex-T, she would have rejected me probably for any or all of it. I still think my secret is what pushed her over the edge. But I'll never know.

It sucks losing a T, but you deserve someone who will accept you as a whole.

Just wondering if you have ever tried support groups? Many are free and I find people there more understanding than therapists. I attend virtual ones for depression, addiction, and LGBTQ issues.

I don't think I'd fit in well with an LGBTQ group. I don't think I'd be accepted by the other members. I know people are trying to get me to join one.

What makes you think that? How can you know that the group members wouldn't accept you when you don't know the group members?

I don't know if I'm wording this correctly, but like I never really had to work? For anything regarding my transition the way so many trans people do. My entire family immediatly supported me when I came out and uses my correct name and prononuns. I've never had to fight to get my surgeries done or covered by my insurance. I got my top surgery done 6 months after starting my injections and it was covered 100% by my insurance. I also pass as a trans man and I feel comfortable even going to less friendlier states because I know I won't receive any transphobia or harrasment.

My situation seems to be the opposite for quite a few trans people so I'm not really show how well received I'd be at a support group since I haven't gone what they went through. I am very sympathetic and understanding. But if I haven't gone through it myself I'm not sure if I'll be accepted or just called privilaged or something

I do plan on disucssing this with my therapist to see what she says.

I think the trans experience spans a very broad range, and the tragic or difficult stories might be more memorable than the mundane ones because it probably seems uninteresting or maybe like bragging for people to tell the mundane stories. If it's an LGBTQ group rather than a trans one, there will probably be more cis people than trans people, and they're particularly unlikely to have a problem with your relatively smooth transition.

I'm sorry if I came off like I was bragging. Kinda proving my point why I am hesitant to join one. I don't wan't to seem like I'm bragging when I'm not. Especially with my other diagnosis that make it hard for me to understand social cues or being able to always read the room.

Not exactly the same thing, but when I went to a domestic violence therapy group I was worried I wouldn't be accepted by the others because I assumed they had all been through a lot worse than I had. I found that they all welcomed me and reassured me that I did indeed belong there. Don't write off a group before you give it and the people in it a chance.