[wheeler]

I’ve been going back and forth for quite some time thinking about ending therapy. I’ve been seeing my therapist for 6+ years and we’ve certainly had our ups and downs.

I had/have a lot of transference issues with her and lots of attachments problems as well. Luckily the obsessional thinking has diminished a lot and I’m at a better place. But being at that ‘better place’ and less attached means I feel less connected.

Is that how it’s supposed to work. Do I need to feel less connected in order to terminate? Or tell me it’s possible to feel the connection but also terminate. I want to walk away feeling good about the relationship. Or will I get trapped into staying if I do feel the connection?

Not even sure if this makes any sense

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm still in therapy, so I don't know if my experience will help.

I chose to end therapy with T when T came back from maternity leave. But I had L and was already attached to her, so it made things a little easier (other things a little harder). I still have a connection with T both emotionally and contact wise. It was hard letting T go as my active therapist, but I knew it was best for me. It also helped that T has an open door policy and that she remains my backup therapist. She also allows me email contact with her once a month. I think those three things made it easier to permanently switch to L.

If you think you might be ready, why not process it in therapy before you decide to quit? And see if she will allow anything after you quit like coming back if needed or a little bit of contact.

[wheeler]

Thanks Scarlet. My T will allow me to come back if I want to.
I guess what I’m trying to ask is is it the right time to quote when you no longer feel a connection , where I once did.

[ElectricManatee]

I saw my T every other week for a year between 2011-2012 and then had a long break before I decided to start up with her again in early 2016. I wasn't nearly as attached to her then as I am now so it's hard to say for sure on the connection piece, but for me I knew I was ready to stop when things were going well in my life and I didn't have a somewhat urgent need to talk to her about something every time I saw her. I was still getting what I needed from her and I still liked her, but it felt right to stop and she agreed with me.

I don't think you have to not feel any warmth or connection in order to stop. In fact, I would be curious about why you feel that way now when you didn't before. Has something come up between you? Are you feeling uncomfortable about your connection and thus on some level trying to make it go away? Do you feel like a happier, more secure version of yourself now and she just takes up less space? These might be good things to think about, especially if you have attachment injuries in your past.

You seem a little ambivalent about the relationship with your therapist, especially when you say you're worried about getting trapped into staying. That might be a sign that the relationship isn't working for you anymore, or it might be a sign that you still have plenty of things to talk about.

For what it's worth, I don't think there is anything wrong with being attached to your therapist. It can be a way to rebuild your core self in a safe environment, and there is no shame in bringing your genuine feelings into therapy with you.

[wheeler]

Thanks EM.
I’m hesitant about leaving cause I want to feel the old connection before I leave. And then it dawned on me that it’s not possible. I can’t be both attached and ending, even though I want to

[ElectricManatee]

I guess what I'm trying to say is that for me it will likely be about being attached and ending. Something bittersweet, like a graduation or moving out of your (loving) parents' house. Like you know she cares and will be there if you need her again, but you reach a point where you just don't need her on a weekly basis. The relationship and connection don't stop just because you don't see each other anymore. That seems like the essence of earned secure attachment. But this is just what I imagine/hope my ending will be like and I do think there are many ways to do it.

[Oliviab]

I agree with EM, in that I think it's about feeling connected, but also "ready" (not devastated) to end things. It's not about the connection waning so I can leave, but rather, about internalizing it in such a way that I can take it with me, and I feel ready to move on.

I will admit, this is all speculation at this point, and I'm taking it somewhat on faith that eventually I will feel ready to leave my T. I am very connected to my T, but I don't feel ready to move on at this point. But nor do I feel desperate about it, or like I can't leave (which I did feel for a long time). Over time, the connection feels more secure and the thought of ending someday, or even losing him abruptly, is less distressing.