[LostOnTheTrail]

Anything you would like to say to your T, big or small...post it here.

[Elio]

SI

Possible trigger:

today's reason is that it is not fair to those that have to deal with the crisis caused by the attempt or those that find the body

[ArtieTheSequal]

I love the connection I feel with the others in the weekly drum circle; tonight it was strong maybe because it was such a small group. You missed a really good one tonight!

[ScarletPimpernel]

L,
I want you to nuture the little me. She's so small and young and fragile and needs your protection and love. Please see me, the real me, deep inside. Please help me tomorrow.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Today feels tender. Fifteen years ago today, Chris passed away.

[Mountaindewed]

Why do you sound so tired when I get upset in sessions? The therapists I've had before were robots who always talked in a monotone voice no matter what I was feeling But lately when I've expressed my frustration you just seem really exhausted and then I feel kinda bad for getting mad in the first place.

[MuddyBoots]

so much for being on the cancelation list this week that just happened to be the week after I told you I relapsed. I'm picking myself back up and going through Hell all over again no thanks to you.

[Mountaindewed]

I didn't take offense to you not replying to my email yesterday about a second session. I just figured you didn't have anything opened. Plus I realized this wasn't a therapy issue anyways.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Hey. I am finally starting that shadow work thing I found awhile back; not sure I ever told you about it? It is time for me to get back to that part of my work.

eta: dang, only 20 minutes into the free introduction to the purchased lecture, my mouth is hanging open in recognition of how much I need to get back to this work.

[ArtieTheSequal]

I really ought to write a poem that isn't about you. Damn it.

p.s. omg did I really just post that one to my blog?! I'm getting awfully nervy in my old age.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Why can't I just write about ****ing trees and ****?

[ArtieTheSequal]

I think that I shall never see an emotion as easy as a tree.

HA

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,
Thanks for the empathy in session this morning. I miss you already. And really wish you weren't away until Thursday. But knowing that emailing you is fine is helpful (though pretty sure it's not OK to email you every day!)

Tonight started off a bit shaky, then dinner seemed OK, until...it very suddenly wasn't. On the plus side for the waiter, he got a nice tip? H told me to stop to pick something up (OK, beer) on the way home. He was sitting on the steps when I arrived, which I mistakenly saw as him just chilling on the porch. No, he was upset at D, because she'd been a mess since they got home. So more yelling and crying between them once he came inside.

Plus we got her report card. Up to a C in reading, which is good! Still D's in math and writing. But down from a B to a C in social studies.

Perhaps in a way it's good that when you're gone will be over spring break, because it's not like I'll have to worry about calls from school then? Though she does have camp Monday. I hope she won't get sent home from that? At least my parents are watching her Tuesday night, though I'll have to deal with them and the bank first.

I'm going to do my best to hold on to the feelings of empathy and validation I got from you today. And acceptance for some thoughts that were rather dark and negative. It means so much that you're a person with who I can share those things. And you're not going to be horrified or judging me (or at least you hide it well if you are). And I'll work on the self-care stuff, too.

I'm also glad you reassured me it wouldn't be annoying if I ended up emailing you just to say "hi," rather than about some specific thing.


Please be safe. And have a relaxing time, if that's the sort of thing you're doing. As you deserve it.


Love you,
LT

[velcro003]

Dear E: Every time I managed to glance at you, you looked so concerned. Like you care about my well-being. I appreciate it. Probably have more to process later.

[East17]

I'm only just starting to really process what it means that you're no longer here. I'll never see you or hear your voice again, never find another T who was as invested in their clients and as genuinely caring as you were. (Ok, I don't know about that last one for sure but it's how I feel at the moment).
I've managed to delete your contact details from my phone, it's too painful seeing your name and picture there. I've archived all our email, text and WhatsApp exchanges. It hurts too much to read them right now but maybe I'll be able to in the future.
I believe you came into my life at a time when I needed you. I just wish it could have been for longer.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

[Quietmind 2]

T...

What if I don't make it?

[junkDNA]

Can i have a hug

[Mountaindewed]

I know they try not to make assumptions but I wonder if she just knew like everyone else did and thats why she gave me the diagnosis minutes after I told her.

[Mountaindewed]

These last like 36 hours have been tough and kinda confusing. I miss you and I was ok for a long time on my own. But the thoughts come and go. Basically I feel just like really frustrated with how all my thoughts and feelings have returned after being gone for 5 weeks.

[Waterbear]

Dear K,

I miss you. Still. I wonder whether you are going away for the holidays. I wonder what you are up to. I wonder how you are.

I have been thinking of you less than I was, but it is still in the tens of times a day. I wonder what the future holds, here. I wonder what the future looks like.

You always said that we don't know what the future looks like, but if today's future is tomorrow's present, then surely by creating the life we want in the here and now, we can know what the future looks like?

I've thought this for a fair while now, but I'm not sure it ever makes any sense to anyone other than me!! I just don't think I'm ever going to give up on the possibility that one day there may be a way forwards that includes you and I. Two humans in a crazy world just being the people that we are.

Our paths crossed when they were destined to do so, and for some reason the universe decided that it was time for them to take a different path last year, but personally I feel our paths intertwined somewhat along the way. I don't think I can ignore that.

You know that old saying "never give up fighting for what you believe in"? Well, I won't. I won't ever give up fighting for it.

I love you and I miss you and I hope that you, too, are living your best life.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Holy moly, L. I wonder if I have the capability within me to get out of my own way enough to come back and talk through the reality behind why I left in December. You said we were "pressing pause" - that makes me think either a) you think that I do or b) you just knew I'd be back because you know me so well. Either way, I wonder.

I am not ready. Yet.

[velcro003]

T- sorry for the sobbing text. I am relieved you couldn’t call tonight.

[Lostislost]

Sleep when the baby sleeps they say, hahaha what a joke. I've been lying here awake for 3 hours while he sleeps. I'm so stressed out.

[ArtieTheSequal]

I thought I was doing okay but maybe I've just been lying to myself. These poems I've been writing... ugh. How do I do this, L? How do I let the healing I found in the "relationship" still be real and permanent, while at the same time letting that house of cards crumble and fall around me? I'm back to believing again that if I never really knew you, there was never any real relationship, despite your protestations that "It's real, it's just unique". How much of what I felt was real, and how much smoke and mirrors, a downright big fat cruel lie I told myself?! I'm not gonna let myself go back not even to talk about what I learned yesterday. Why set myself up for more heartbreak? I might have my eyes open now, and it might work out okay, but I'm not going to chance it.

Feelings suck. I don't want them anymore. I think I'd like to be a robot now, please.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Wait.


Wait.

Just a gol dang minute.