Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Dear T,
Thanks for a good 5-year anniversary session today. And being gracious about the gift, even if it isn't quite your aesthetic. It seemed like you understood what it meant to me and reacted accordingly. The same with the anniversary in general, as you know that I'm a date person, even though you aren't. Hm, I guess it all comes down to you putting my needs and comfort first today. I'll get you a plant for the next one though!

And the handshake was nice. (Though I'm puzzled that you thought we'd sanitize after instead of before?) I'm hoping you might be willing to continue with those, but if you aren't, like maybe if it would just be an occasional thing (like I'd need to specifically request it), it's OK.

Love,
LT

Dear T
I am so glad I didn't already email you with what I had been planning to say, especially as you've had to cancel tomorrow's session because you have covid.

Hopefully I will be in a better place mentally by the time we next talk. It would have been awful to have admitted what I was going to disclose and then find you weren't available this week after all.

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So sorry to hear that, East. I hope your T is able to offer a session as soon as practically possible.

In your email you wanted me to send about something, you said that working out and building muscle was ok. So I hope our session tommorow goes ok. So far my sister hasn't headed to the hospital so it looks like we'll be in person. It will be shorts weather and the last time I wore shorts and a T shirt was the week you really chewed me out for the way I looked. Plus I did lose a pound or so from last week which may give me the illusion of looking like I've lost more with everything else I've been doing since we last met.

I was Iistening to the song Title And Registration by Death Cab For Cutie last night. Its kind of been the song I've been listening to a lot lately. The part that really stands out to me is the part that goes

But there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

I don't know. It kinda reminds me of my transference T and how I couldn't be who I really was with her and it was just like this huge dissapointment at the end, but with my current therapist I can be who I really am and I don't have to hide stuff.

I don't know if I'm making sense at all. My transference T just said she couldn't help me because of my particular issues and I just felt like dissapointed and then regret that I got so involved with her to begin with.

Hey L. It's days like today I really, really miss being able to sit across from you and just let it all out about h. Worry, guilt, fear of the future, regret of the past cuz I stayed when I shoulda left a few years ago... it's all attacking me full-force right now and these tools from the CBT thing are no match. I don't know how to live with him when he's like this.

Just wanted to comment that I'm a Death Cab fan, too (and seeing them live again soon). That's an especially good song of theirs.

I had a shirt of theirs at one point but I've never seen them at a concert. Their song Brothers On A Hotel Bed, describes the end of 2020 so perfectly for me its almost creepy. The start of the song that goes "you may tire of me, as our December sun is setting, cause I'm not who I used to be." Is a perfect description of how I felt like my therapist was responding to me that December.

Then the part that goes: something he was not looking for Both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize when he catches his reflection on accident

Reminds me of when my move was really starting to get going and I was still dealing with bad post op depression from my surgery and I felt like my personailty had changed and I felt like I didn't recgonize myself.

Then the last part that reminds me of that time in my life is
"Now we say good night, from our own seperate sides"

That just reminds me of those really bad telesessions.

But yeah that song really just seems to sum up December 2020 for me.

Dear T:

I know you are not upset at me, and I am relieved, but I am SO nervous for tomorrow's session. I don't want to hear more about how you need family time, even though I understand it. I really, really hope we don't have to go back to phone sessions. I may quit if that happens.

I feel as if I had taken twice the prescribed amount of escitalopram this morning. I don't think so, but I guess it's possible. Everything is in slow motion.
Thanks for yesterday. I wish I could afford to keep crying. I wrote in my diary that I think you are a social butterfly with a heart the size of a bear's.

Why didn't I tell you about my urinary retention situation that no one knows about? Or the over excercising I did on Monday that caused me to be in a crap ton of pain yesterday? Or the Advil hematrcrit issue? Those were 3 very important things I was going to mention. I just felt lost the whole time without my hat and I just froze the entire session. I did message my doctor about my allergy results when I got home and I appreciate you telling me to email you if I there was anything else I wanted to talk about.

C, well I freakin' lost it this morning. So much for managing my stress lately. It all went out the window this morning for a bit. I tried to make a payment to a handyman we're having do some work for us and there was something wrong with the bank website i couldn't make the zelle payment work so i called him, told him & asked if he'd take a check, he said no, so I asked if h could bring him cash and he yelled at me about it! I lost it and started bawling and as I tried to say I'm so sorry, we're trying to fix this by h bringing you cash. And he just kept on yelling at me as if I didn't just explain that h was bringing him cash because the bank website is not working right now. H said if we didn't need him to finish what he started, he would fire him on the spot for treating me like that. I'd been doing pretty well with managing the stress we're under lately but this - I lost it. Why do people have to be so mean?? The bank website not working correctly is not in my control, I didn't break it, I can't fix it, and I certainly thought offering to bring him a full cash payment would be the best way to deal with it because he didn't want a check, but no, he just kept yelling at me until h took the phone away. So much also for thinking I'm over being triggered by being yelled at. I felt horrible. After we hung up the phone from him (doing all of this while trying to work, of course) I was able to calm myself down pretty quickly, called the bank and they said there's a hold on our account but he couldn't tell me why ??? h went over there and straightened it all out but... yeesh. I think the triggering was because this handyman guy reminds me so much of my dad so it was like when he yelled at me I was little Artie again in my head, being yelled at and cowering from it and waiting for the physical punishment that always came with it. That sucked this morning, C. It felt so awful that I want to call in sick for the rest of the day and go hide under my covers in bed.

But I'm not going to. I'm not going to let this ****ing crap and that ****ing ***hole win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear K,

Just feeling all the love for you tonight and so wishing I could let it flow freely to you. I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do with it all if I'm honest.

Me xx

I know you couldn't help going off sick with covid, it's just totally shite timing.


The voluntary work situation has deteriorated further - and I didn't think that was even possible! Tomorrow morning I am sending a complaint to the Directors, it is a somewhat nuclear option from which there is no coming back, but I feel I've been left with no other choice. My go-to safe place is no longer there, but instead has become an overwhelming source of stress and frustration. Things on the home front are also shite, and there's no escaping that.


I'm also concerned that something will happen with your H having Covid as well, that will prevent you from returning to work.


Every time I reach a point where I think things can't possibly get any worse, I find they absolutely can. It scares me how I feel, as though I could tip over the edge at any time. I haven’t felt this bad for a long while.


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I liked how your face lit up and you said "I would love to see pictures of that!" When I said I was a police officer for Halloween when I was 5. I wish I had pictures.

I got a weird spam message I denied. I googled the number and my transfernce T's first name came up. No joke. I was just confused so I hit results and its just for something unrealted to her. I got a good scare over it though. Its like she never will totally leave me.

I had a major post-session griefquake watching This Is Us.
It's hard enough to translate the stuff in my head at the moment...Heaven knows the depth of grief that's beyond the boundary of words.

Dear T,
OK, I'm doing less well with things tonight, but that's because of the response that I got from the manager of the contract. I now probably seem totally neurotic because I sent them an email saying one thing, then sent another saying something else. But I'd rather have to spend the money for a second computer (and PCs are much cheaper!) than lose out on the work entirely. I mean, I also did send some quick applications to two places, though I'm not technically qualified for the one, and the other, the pay sounds too good to be true.

But, yeah, I'm freaking out a little now. H made me feel a bit better. Like I asked if I could have a grace period to find other work if needed, in terms of spending, and he's fine with that.

On the plus side, the concert last night was amazing. I wish I could make you understand what it felt like, during one of the songs (well, really, a few of them). Maybe you have something that makes you feel that way, too. But it's also why I don't want to have to potentially give up concerts (well, beyond all the ones I already have tickets for) if work becomes an issue. They make me feel alive in a way that maybe nothing else does. Maybe that's what your sport does for you?

Love,
LT

Struggling after yesterday's session. This is real, and it really hurts.

Dear T: I am glad that our relationship is ok, and you don’t find me repulsive. I still feel distant, though. I don’t know if it’s me pulling away, or what. Maybe talking to E about this tonight will help.

I told my therapist about this site the last time we met. I didn't tell her the name of the site but I said I can be pretty vocal at times. She said "I can't imagine you like that!" I said to her I can not express myself verbally the way I can communicate online or in email.

Dear T. Missing you today. Not sure specifically why today. Maybe because we didn't plan a session this weekend. But I'm okay. Not in crises.

trigger for SH Thoughts


Not sure if the visions are hallucinations or not. They don't seem to have the same qualities but what do I know. Probably something to talk about one of these days. I'm still sad for Lil Bit and Emma. Sending you hugs. Loving you.

E: Our session was all over the place. More like, I was all over the place, emotionally. I don’t even know what I am feeling right now. I will try and take it easy this weekend.

I stumbled upon a few poems that I wrote during the worst of my depression back in 2009. Wowsa. I don't remember if I ever showed them to you.