Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

You hurt me and I feel so torn. I want to run away so that can’t happen again. But the therapeutic relationship that we have, or had, means too much to me. I really really really really hope that you choose a gentle approach at this weeks session. I want this to be mended so much. But I’ve lost a lot of trust in your safety, I don’t know how it is going to go

I've pretty much given up soda and switched to that zero calorie stuff you drink. I don't really think it was totally a good idea since I'm drinking a ton of it and often in place of food but if its helping me kick the soda habit which was real bad, I guess its kinda a good thing.

I still can't predict what will happen after we end on Wednesday. How I will feel. Right now I'm a bit down about it. But theres a crap ton of other stuff going on I don't know if its you. I guess I'll just have to see.

Dear T,
It feels like you're really getting it lately. Did you take a class on attachment or something?

But clearly, your comment on how each session ending feels like a "mini-abandonment" rings true for me. Of course, now I suppose the question is: What do we do about that? Or is there nothing we *can* do, it's just about my accepting it and dealing with it as best I can? And perhaps your aiming to make my exit each time as gentle as is reasonable? You seemed to try to do that today. I appreciate the "take care" (especially as I mentioned it).

I admit I'm a bit sad you aren't working the day after Thanksgiving (well, you likely won't be), but I suppose I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up when you said you might work that day. Honestly, it would probably have been more for the purpose of a scheduled escape from my house, and maybe you'd have just been doing virtual anyway. And it's probably best that I save money. But I suppose it still feels like, to use your words, a mini-abandonment in a sense.

Glad I'm only yellow, at most, in email--was sort of expecting you to say "orange", but maybe you're considering the one a couple weeks ago about the invoices to be more of a clerical one than a clinical one. Not that I plan to inundate you, but knowing it's there without having to debate whether it's worth a charge--that helps.

Love,
LT

E: Please, please help me to stop panicking when I see you tomorrow. I don't know how I am going to get through this.

Tommorow is it. I feel... emotionless. My food restriction sucked today and I don't know if its because now you won't be there to care or if I truly am not feeling well. I think it may be how I'm handling stress. Theres other stuff going on with food that I can talk about tommorow.

And I just got your email you sent half an hour ago. That part where you said "I hope your feeling ok" kinda killed me a bit.

This may be harder then I thought....

Dear T. No pressure but please be amazing tonight. TIA. LOVE Love LOVE you. Kit

Dear T,
I have not coped well at all this afternoon. I mean, I faced lots of unexpected, last-minute obstacles, with the warning lights in my car, then being unable to figure out how to stop H's car from beeping (finally figured out the parking brake, which was not where I thought it was), but it was so down to the wire, and I was scared I wouldn't be able to get to the school safely in either vehicle. I managed and was like maybe 30 seconds late in getting D, which her teacher seemed fine about, but I was a mess at that point, then D was screaming in the car because I was letting the other people go first, as I don't know H's car well and didn't want to possibly hit someone. And then I was snapping at her.

And I was scared (still am) I'd damaged my car by somehow not screwing the gas cap on at all (I did close the door!) and fearing too much water had gotten in from the rain, crying and freaking out to H, who is recovering from surgery, which made me feel like a horribly self-centered drama queen (when I'm just stressed, I don't want to make it about me). Plus crying in front of his mom when I took D out to her car. Then I have to go back over the his mom's in an hour (in H's car) to go pick her up, when I just want to curl up in a ball. Oh, plus there was some negative feedback on my work.

My friend did a great job of talking me down, and I'm calmer now. But I seriously considered sending a brief text to you asking for support--didn't know how that would go or even when you'd see it. Or sending an email asking you to please say something tonight. I imagine you might have been OK with that (or slightly annoyed at the text, but it would have been OK).

I got a call from Subaru about the warning lights being on in my car (hi, Big Brother, aka Starlink). I was saying to my friend how it would be nice if warning lights could shoot up to our therapists, or maybe just some general therapy helpline that would call and offer support. But she made the point that maybe there would also be alerts about things I wouldn't want you to see!

I hope we can meet in person tomorrow (dependent on H being OK enough), just so I can be in a safe space for a while. Though his last surgery, this is when you had to switch to virtual at the last minute, so I hope that doesn't happen again...

Miss you and wish we could talk for a few minutes tonight, but I will do my best to not do so, as I don't want to use up my email balance already.

Love,
LT

I need to be honest about this, so that you can help me.

A writing coach I spoke with in 2020 said "You are your priority. If you're not OK, there's no book."
I want to be OK, but I don't feel it.

Being intentional about setting it down feels like lion taming.

Dear T,
I wanted to give up on the dark, rainy drive to H's mom's house in an unfamiliar car. I thought about calling to see if she could just watch her overnight. But I decided that instead of taking less familiar back roads, I'd take the highway and other main roads that I take all the time, in part because they're right by your office. I think that was the right call. Home now safely, though I just want to curl up in a ball. And I hope my car might possibly be OK in the morning, or at least if it needs repair, it's not major.

But we're only like 12 hours into this, and I feel I already need a long break. Starting to doubt my ability to get through this, but hopefully you can shift my brain on that tomorrow....


Love,

LT

If you could see how I physically look I think you'd be a bit alarmed. Even I was like "whoa" at the pictures I took. I'm not depressed really, I'm tired, and yeah this is our last session for a long time so I am kinda sad today.

I wonder what I'll eat or drink that will remind me of you. With my transference T it was mint Aero bars and Lipton blue fruit tea. Today I've had 2 cans of original V8 which I just started drinking the other day. I don't know. Maybe that will be my thing to remember you.

So we ended and now I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Dear T,
Thanks for listening today and for being supportive. I still feel I sort of let you down in not handling this all better, but I know it's really about letting *myself* down. You're right that I had been thinking for weeks that I couldn't handle this, which more than likely contributed to my getting so upset. Even though I feel awkward about it, I think it's good I told you about the one reaction. I think you need to know where my mind goes at times.

And I appreciate your saying I can just let you know if I want one of those slots tomorrow. It helps knowing they're there (and likely at least one would still be available), even if I don't take you up on one. I just need to be able to get through this OK. But I also don't know if I'll be trying to do something with my car tomorrow and what time that would be.

Also, I hope that cough of yours was just allergies! I know mine tend to flare up after it rains, too.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
Glad I'll be seeing you tomorrow. I need to get ahead of this. Or at least be less behind it. I just don't feel like today helped as much as I had expected it to, even though I don't think it was from anything you did or didn't do. I think 50-ish minutes just wasn't enough to deal with it all.

Love,
LT

wasn't that a fun session. not.

talking about the stresses of work, the stresses of our therapeutic relationship, some ugly bits from my extremely abusive childhood, feeling so much sadness, trying to find words for things, a lot of crying (me; tho' i did see you tear up a couple of times). then you get to hit the 'leave' button and literally leave it all - and me - behind for the next week, while i'm still sitting here with a red blotchy face, a snotty nose, feeling awful and heavy and tired and sad and left to carry it all.

how is that a "relationship"?

bah humbug.

Indeed....

Hey L. So this morning I met a goal I'd set for myself not long ago. Not that you know about it, but I just wanted to tell you, I guess. I find myself wondering if you'd be open to a one-time, one-year post-ending follow-up session, since it'll be a year one month from today. That's a lot of hyphens for one sentence.

I'm just numb right now about things. Physically as well since I was at the dentist this morning. But its gonna suck getting through Thanksgiving without a therapist. This just brings back 2020 Christmas vibes and its tough to deal with those memories and whats going on now.

You ****ed-up self-serving, superior **** of an old *****. I was naive when I agreed to meet. You have taken away the hope of something reparative. I feel exposed and I want to hurt you. You never understood your feelings for me and you have caused me harm. You are disrespectful and insensitive; cold and careless. Do you realise the therapist you referred me to describes you as unethical and unprofessional? Do you know how little regard your peers show you? For the first time, I am starting to feel grateful that you are no longer in my life. The bubble is bursting, the transference is shifting. You ****ing arsehole.

Peace is hard to come by.

When my mind is 'at rest', I remember that he is dead.




The ache of his being gone from this world is quite different than anything I have experienced previously. Before, I could find words.

And in the midst of this, I am trying to write a book?

Dear T,
You're probably just sick of me. I know I would be, in your place. Or maybe I'm sick of you, or of being attached to you when you seem to have a limited amount of warmth to give out each month or quarter or whatever. I got some today, but it's like the first 10 minutes of session sort of negated that in a way.

I don't know how you'll reply to my email. I gave you the out of "let's talk next session" if it's a long or complicated reply. Please don't reply with something you know could be hurtful, especially if you opt for a paid reply. I mean, part of this conflict is about money. So I feel that would just make it all more complicated.

The thing is... part of me feels it's actually a good thing that I told you what was on my mind. It's progress in some way for me. Except your reaction makes me feel like my mom would have made me feel. You should be encouraging me to speak up. I mean, I understand it offended you. But you could both say "This offends me...but I'm glad you felt that you could share it rather than holding it in." There was none of that. It was about your emotions. Not mine.

I wanted to say "I'm sorry, I love you," but I only said the first part. Please be kind in your response. And/or on Monday. You know this is a rough time for me, so please take that into account.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
Maybe you're hoping I'll just go away and leave you alone. I wouldn't blame you.

I'd like to believe that, at least on some level, you love me. But maybe not.

Love,
LT

Sitting with the fact that today is International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day.
I don't know what else to do with that fact.

LT - oops you did it again - t didnt respond according to the script in your head. Like i wonder what comes first? The motivation to hear him respond as you wish, or the impetus to say the thing that makes him react? Like literally putting the cart before the horse. You know? Maybe it isnt about whatever the topic is, as much as it is the mechanics of the conversation. It's not FREE, its constrained by your expectations. And maybe? Probably? he knows when you are doing that and will react surprisingly to shake things up. You have this whole conversation in your head - what is he needed for?

This seems deep to me but i havent had my coffee yet!

I am without a therapist for quite a few days. So I'm doing what has helped me in the past. Use the TV as my company and throw myself into my dieting. Except I'm just super focused on getting into shape now. But yeah, I'm kind of at a loss at the moment.