[SlumberKitty]

I sent ex-T a break up text since I didn't do it in session. She tried to call me later that night but I was already in bed. So she left me a voicemail. I texted her again and then she replied. This is what she said. (It's long.)

It is so okay
I've been thinking the very same thing. I am not able to give you the consistency you need, due to my health issues and age. You are wrong, however, about not understanding the self harm. I may have communicated that poorly. It is the combination, unique to you, of the self harm urge with the OCD element, and your religious/spiritual beliefs that I wanted to be able to connect with...not on an intellectual level but on an intuitive one. I think of my clients every day, and probably get too connected, but for me...that's the only way I've seen people get better. We know each other fairly well and you will forever be in my heart and prayers. I am saddened to lose you, and don't believe you will ever find anyone that cares as much for you. But, you may well find a traditional therapist who will insist you do a, b, and c....whatever.....and hold you to that. Maybe indeed you will feel more comfortable with someone with stricter boundaries and more distant. I wish you the best. I only regret that you felt unable to tell me about your thoughts/doubts before you jumped. We can't hang out as friends, but I will always be open to hearing from you. It is imperative that you begin to put yourself first and I applaud your bravery to do so. There truly has been a miscommunication about the self harm, as I was working at getting past the traditional book perspective and trying to know your heart, mind, and soul. But also, you had begun to take care of me, and that is sweet and compassionate, but works against your own healing process. I'm truly happy for you that you have found someone you believe will be more effective for you. I'm also glad, for your own mental health, that you left me....and I didn't need to refer you or recommend someone else. You might perceive that as abandonment, which it would not have been, but would not have helped you much either. In summary, I am personally heartbroken to have lost you, but professionally I very much agree with and support your decision. May God always be with you.....
_____________________________

Some of this made me feel like crap actually. Like the part where she kind of kept saying that she did understand my self harm. Funny because we hardly ever talked about it. And she said at one of our last sessions that she didn't really understand it. So who is she kidding? And the part where she said that she is heartbroken. Ouch. And the part where she was glad she didn't have to refer me or give me recommendations. Ouch. And the part where she was like I don't think you'll find anyone else who will care for you as much. Ouch.

It's hard because I love her but crap like this hurts. I wish she could have kept her personal stuff out of the ending and just focused on me. Cause I feel like garbage for ending with her.

HUGS Kit

[AnaWhitney]

Ouch is right. Especially ‘’ I don’t believe you will ever find anyone that cares as much for you’’ 😳😳 That is not ok surely !?

[stopdog]

I wouldn't get worked up about it - I think she was just trying to convey she cares about you. Focus on her agreeing you need someone else and go on. This is not the sort of thing to get caught up on. Try not to overthink it. Let her take care of her own emotions - it is not your place or job or even within your ability (not because of you personally but because of humans) to control her emotions.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Oh Kit... sending you hugs and healing light. I'm sorry she couldn't manage to keep her personal 'stuff' out of it. You have nothing to feel bad about - you did what was best and right for you and therapy is supposed to only be about you. Not about the t.

[Waterbear]

Oh Kit, massive hugs to you. I think this message from her just sums everything up. She clearly cares a great deal about you, but just doesn't know how to communicate with you in an appropriate way for a therapist or how to be an appropriate therapist for you. You can care a great deal about your clients, and you can be less boundaried, but still be professional, but sadly this didn't come across very professional to me, and I would have been hurt, too. I'm so sorry, but I am so glad for you that you have found someone else and I hope that they are good for you. Please don't beat yourself up about anything, I am sure that your Ex T will be just fine. Maybe try and take away from this that she thinks you are making the right decision, for you.

[LonesomeTonight]

Kit, the line where she sent this was when I actively cringed while reading it: "And the part where she was like I don't think you'll find anyone else who will care for you as much." I imagine she was attempting to let you know she cared for you a lot. But to suggest that another T would not--or maybe she even meant another person?--that's just a weird thing to say. Like a romantic partner saying when someone breaks up with them, "You'll never find someone as good as me" or "You'll never find love again."

Maybe it's partly that she's hurt, but she also shouldn't be taking that out on you. Part of her is saying she understands and that you have to do what's right for you, but then the other stuff seems to be her emotions talking. Which she should deal with on her own, not make you feel guilty or bad about it.

Admittedly, if I had decided to leave Dr. T this time, I would have liked to have heard him say he was sad about it--quite confident he'd never say "heartbroken"!--but I also think that would have given me mixed emotions and make it more difficult. And though you've already terminated with this T, I can understand why you're feeling bad about it now. She could have simply said that she understood, that she wished she could have given you what you needed, she'd always care about you, that you're welcome to stay in touch (and come back if you change your mind), and that she wished you all the best both with the new T and in the future. Basically, kept her personal emotions out of it while still being supportive of you and letting you know she still cares.

I'm sorry--if it helps at all, I think you're doing the right thing. She seemed too unreliable, and I definitely got the sense that she didn't understand self-harm, despite what she's saying here. Hugs...

[LostOnTheTrail]

Great post, LT.

I had all the same thoughts, but couldn't articulate them quite that well right now.

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm so sorry, Kit. It sounds to me like she wants you to feel guilty & she wants to sound wonderful in case her answer is shared. I could be wrong but that's how it seems to me. I'm glad you were able to make the change & could give yourself a more comfortable experience in therapy. Good for you!

[LostOnTheTrail]

You deserve a more comfortable experience in therapy, Kit.
I'm glad that you are moving in that direction.

[East17]

Oh Kit, I'm sorry her reply was so tinged with emotional manipulation. As others here have said, it would have been better if she'd just said she understood, wished you well and was a no hard feelings kind of reply.

This is the kind of response that would cause me to have great difficulty in successfully walking away from a T, no matter how much I knew it was the right thing to do. So I applaud your bravery in seeing it through, even though she has made you feel like crap. You deserved better than that.

Focus on the thought that your new T will be more experienced and reliable, and hold better boundaries than ex-T.

It gets very messy when we start to get emotionally involved in our Ts lives and only ends badly for the client.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

[Pontepunto]

Hi Slumberkitty! Imo that is not a very professional answer at all! That is manipulative emotional blackmail. Glad you found a new therapist to work with.

[AliceKate]

If she truly cared about you, she should not have made this more difficult and painful for you. She wrote that message for herself, not for you. Her lack of boundaries is a problem right to the end, and I commend you for leaving.

[Rive.]

Her reply to you further serves to prove how she was not a good therapist for you. Her boundaries and professionalism are subpar. She could not have helped you because even in saying goodbye, she made it all about her. That is not love or at least, that is selfish love.

Someone who had your best interests at heart would *not* have crafted this childish response.

I am glad, for your sake, that you left her.

She sounds like a nutjob.

[Breaking Dawn]

I hope you're doing ok right now, dear Kit. You are very much cared about here, I'm sure you know. We wish with all of our hearts that all of your hurt & struggle will diminish within your new therapy. God bless you, dear kit!

[RosyC]

I don’t have much to add past the really insightful and useful replies you’ve had. But if this is the response, wow, you’ve truly made the right call. So much focus on her feelings, and trying to prove her worth as a therapist when clearly you were not getting that from her. Some things can be worked on, but this level of personal emotional speak is really a bit much… I would be so irritated by this response. It’s like you can have a soulful connection that is healthy and caring. It doesn’t need to focus so much on her feelings. Someone who cares so much wouldn’t focus their last interaction on making you second guess and feel like it’s the only time you’ll receive that level of care in a therapeutic relationship… It feels almost manipulative to me.

[unaluna]

Well, as usual, i disagree with just about everybody. I thought it was a thoughtful, appropriate letter. I would not want a robotic "official" heartless goodbye. I would want acknowledgement of where we had connected, where the client had reached out, which is what i think she did.

Also, where is it written that a t must never express a personal emotion? I dont want my t blurting out, "boy are YOU dumb!", but thats different from them offering a considered opinion. Thats all we are promised from them, that they will think before they speak. Not that they cut themselves off from any feelings. Those feelings are a tool used in therapy, which is a personal, human relationship. Otherwise you may as well use a computer.

[ArtieTheSequal]

for me it was the " don't believe you will ever find anyone that cares as much for you" that sounded manipulative and the way she said she's "heartbroken".

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

for me it was the " don't believe you will ever find anyone that cares as much for you" that sounded manipulative and the way she said she's "heartbroken".

For me the backstory of that is, she has had a lifetime of holding boundaries (or maybe not?), and this time she let kitty come through. Its more about accepting kitty's gifts, rightly or wrongly. That was her not rejecting kitty, - caring for kitty. Yes, it got complicated. Messing with boundaries just does.

[SlumberKitty]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. I am still very hurt about this response. Even though I know that she loves and cares about me. Which is what made it hard for me to leave her for so long when I probably needed to. When I read it, I can't help but to say ouch to some of it. I hope to process it some in therapy tomorrow with my new therapist. It feels like a mind **** and I need to know that I am not losing my mind, that there is someone, therapeutic or not that will love me as much as she claims she did. And if she had doubts about her ability to help me, as it sounds like from the beginning of her text, it would have been nice if she would have brought them up to me as well. I love her and I probably always will but I feel like there was a complete mind **** going on and I just cannot deal with that. I need someone to help me sort it out. Hopefully my new T can. I am not saying that I didn't have problems--duh, I'm in therapy. And obviously I took care of her too much. I'm trying not to read it too much now, but I am hoping to read it to new T tomorrow so I can get her take on it and more importantly, how to move forward. HUGS all, Kit

[AliceKate]

I hope your new T can help you much better than your old T. Of course you can, are, and again and again will be loved by other people. You are a lovely person, and you deserve to be loved just the way you are.

[Breaking Dawn]

Good luck with your session tomorrow, dear lovable Kit!

[*Beth*]

Hi Kit, I'm kinda with Una on this. I don't believe ex-t was being intentionally emotionally manipulative. She sounds like a sensitive person, and a caring person. Someone who would be lovely to have for a friend. Yet, her boundaries truly are odd...she seems to me to be a needy person. It's quite possible that she unconsciously wants to (and sometimes does) get her own unhealed emotional needs met by (formerly) you and perhaps other sensitive, caretaking clients. I truly understand the "ouches" - I feel them, too, from her words. Despite what she says, however, she conveys a feeling of needing enmeshment. Poor lady...I have this feeling of wanting to tell her that she is a good soul, but to please, please get some therapy.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Attachment can suck sometimes. I thought I'd never find someone better than ex-T. Even after I started seeing T, I didn't think I'd attach to her. I actually told her I hated her at one point. But, over time, I did attach to her, and our relationship was/is healthy. Then I found L. I have never felt so nurtured and loved. Both T and L have taught me what healthy love looks like, and that not everyone will abandon you. That's all to say, no, she's not the only one who loves you. All of us here love you. Your family loves you. And you will find more people to love you too! Her saying that no one will love you more speaks to her insecurities, not to the quality of person you are.

One other thing that might help (it's helped me). Respect is greater than care, and care is greater than love. Love feels great, but it can be unhealthy, even abusive. Respect is utmost important. And next is care: to care about you, your wants and needs, your boundaries, your well-being.

I think your T loved you in her own way. But from what you've said, she didn't seem to respect you or care for you. You were caring for her most of the time.

I'm sorry you had to experience this.

[Breaking Dawn]

It hurts so much to find out our therapist is using us to do whatever for themself.