Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

oh yeah last night during the drum circle I had an interesting visual-only journey. I saw an arched doorway into an underground cave and there were boards across it. One of those powerful ones so that I had to sketch it in my notebook. It came with the feeling that my job right now is to remove the boards blocking the entrance to the cave and that once I have done so, I will find the answer I seem to still be seeking.

I've heard, and believed, that grief gets easier with time.
I accept that there's no 'understanding' with this, because...as you so rightly say, 'it would be dangerous if we understood.'

That doesn't make the confusion and pain of trying to navigate life without Steve any easier.

Hey C, I'm looking forward to talking with you again. I guess I wasn't quite ready to go it alone - I'd like another 8 weeks of reinforcement please Besides, I enjoy talking with you.

If it was ever an option even though I know it isn't, would I go back to my transference T if I had a choice? I honestly don't know the answer to that. I feel like I'd just be going back for all the wrong reasons. I truly feel supported by my current therapist and she is helping me in ways my transference T wasn't able to.

Rather than 'planning' next week's session, I think I'm at a stage where I'm just going to open my mouth and see what happens.

I'm a little bewildered by the Victims Commissioner resigning. Would it not make more sense to lobby for the bill to be considered sooner, rather than just throwing her hands up and saying 'I quit'?

Or is that just me....

Thanks for that nice email you sent this morning in response to the one I sent on Thursday answering a couple questions you had asked me. I was not expecting a response since I didn't feel like it warranted one. But it was nice of you.

Thanks for the home visit, T. That was lovely.

C, I'm looking forward to starting the next 8 weeks tomorrow after work. Just browsing the topics for week 2 (I already completed week 1 but I'm not going to work ahead this time so I haven't done any of week 2 yet) I'm glad I decided to continue. And you know, even though I don't suffer from depression anymore, I will probably continue for another 8 weeks after that if it's still paid for by my insurance, and do the depression one too because there's good stuff in there I'm sure - even if I'm not clinically depressed anymore. Might as well take advantage of what my insurance is offering.

haha L this song made me think about you that day when i got there, you were outside helping your neighbor wrangle their cow that had escaped.

I cannot remember the last time I read a book.

As a writer, reading is really important.

I just opened the new ebook I bought after listening to that podcast.

What's the first exercise?


You guessed it...a timeline.


It's a running joke that has taken up residence in my cells.


Apparently I can now be overwhelmed by a table of contents.


Thank goodness I didn't pursue a PhD.

L, I love you. And you really need to be more careful about what you say to people about me. I trust J only because you trust her; not because she has earned my trust. I'm not upset at you, but am very concerned about your boundaries. When I give you permission to talk to others about me, it means that I'm trusting you with very private and sensitive information about me. Please don't break that trust.

My mind is a literal physical head **** today because of this cold and I'm thinking a lot about my transference T.

I told you at least twice, once in person and once in email that our session tommorow needed to be virtual. Then I checked my email half an hour ago and there was an email from you 3 hours ago from you titled "virtual tommorow?" Then you said in your email "are we still planning on doing virtual tommorow? Hope all is well!!!" I know you really just wanted to know if my sister had the baby so I sent a breif email that yeah we were on for virtual tommorow and that my sister had a girl this morning.

I do sense a bit of countertransference from you at times which is why I sometimes try to keep my distance. I was planning on telling you everything tommorow, not through email. But your email warranted a response even if you were just prying.

T, your hugs means more to me than I could ever put words to. Yesterday’s session just really highlighted how good they can be. And I’m so caught up in it still because it’s so bittersweet.
I think yesterday my defences were down more than usual and I wasn’t feeling so scared and ashamed of being hugged, or giving a hug. Felt like I could actually hug you and feel it for once.

Just, thank you so much for being consistent with me and being the warm person that you are

L, this loss is hitting me hard, even though I knew it was coming at some point it's just that we all thought a couple of years, not 5-6 months. With other recent stuff going on in my life right now, adding this on top of it.... well.... I really wish I could come see you. I'm so sad.

Dear T: I hope tomorrow's session goes okay. I bet you'll be happy that I actually asked my dad about that thing, even if he doesn't remember much. I hope we are okay.

C, please don't let me derail today's call with my sadness. I know this isn't therapy, it's coaching, and I need to let you tell me your input on the stuff I answered in the app and give me better strategies for dealing with this latest thing. I can cry on h's shoulder.

The session went really well but did you not have a bra on? You kept standing up and it was... distracting....

But seriously, I liked it when you said you don't get these therapists who only specialize in one thing and know nothing about other things and that the client is not their diagnosis.

OF COURSE the session is cancelled, when we are in the middle of talking about schedule changes. At least I’ll see you Friday. I hope.

Thanks, C. That was helpful.

Tell me, L! What's the point? Why should I even show up on Friday?

Thanks for today.
It was great to learn that you are also a fan of This is Us.

Thank you for the powerful affirmation: 'I do not need to fear my feelings.'

Is it really restricting if I've upped the quality of my food even I lowered the amount of calories I'm eating? I stopped eating candy bars for dinner and figured out a way to get in a lot more protein.

I know you want email updates but I'm tired and theres not much to talk about that we didn't cover yesterday. I'll send one on Monday or Tuesday since you really like it when your clients email you so you can get an idea of whats been going on between sessions. Plus I'll probably have stuff to email you about by then.

L, I'm just so overall sad right now. I keep finding nice things to think about instead, but then the sad barrels right on back. I guess this is normal and this too shall pass but right now I want to come in and lay on your couch and have a good cry, and you cover me with a blanket again. So much going on around the sadness that I've been dealing with since before this hit - stuff with the house, h's doctor appointments/health in general, my son moving away, work, etc. Thankful that I have C, the cbt stuff is helping, but it's not you. Nothing else is or ever will be, I suppose. Sigh.

I miss you.

Dewed - i found i think its a free book on kindle called "Ordered Eating." I will let you know if i like it. I think it immediately lost my attention, but i will try again.