Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Dear new T: I think that our start is going good. You didn't follow up on a few things that I said but maybe because it is early, you didn't want to push or because it might have led to a rabbit trail. I might bring them up next week though. I sent you an email regarding what happened at my GP appointment with the self harm wounds. Hopefully that will give you some insight into me. I feel good about our relationship so far. I have to say though that your squawking birds are really annoying. I wish they weren't in the same room with us when we have our session on Doxy.me. Sometimes they scare the crap out of me. Other times it is hard to hear you because of the dang birds. I hope I am not scaring you off but am instead helping you to help me. I do appreciate what you have done so far. You might be a little surface-y for me, but it is early. I don't want to judge you on that yet. It takes time to get to know someone and to know when to go deeper. I hope you get back to me on text or email. Just so I know you heard me. But it's okay if you don't. My GP thinks I need more than once a week sessions but I don't know if you would be open to that. I'll have to think about whether to approach you with that or not. It is hard to contain things in between sessions but I think because things derailed so much with ex-T at the end there. I haven't been actually getting therapy for a while even though I have been paying for the time. Thanks. Kit

Kit...I'm proud of you for recognising that. HUGS!

_____________

R,

I make it four more sleeps.
I am looking forward to our session, but I'm also anxious about it.
I'm definitely going to need you to be closer.

Take care,

Lost

E: It’s clear now that you won’t respond to my email on Monday. I’ve been pretty good about not spiraling out about it. That maybe you are sick, or out of town, or dealing with a family problem. I do hope we still have our session tomorrow.

Dear T,

I can't get that image out of my head, of that part of me lost and alone in a long empty white corridor in a straight jacket and 'muzzle', going beserk. I don't know how to approach that part of me, but I think I am getting there. I think we are getting there. Even though I don't know where 'there' is. The fact that I can even stand to see that image is quite something, I think. I was viewing it from above, from outside of that space, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to sit side by side with that part of me. Again, the fact that I can wonder that is pretty remarkable. I wish we were meeting next week!

You were so embarrassed today. You were asking how I felt about seeing you partying like that and I was like it was too weird. You came to tell me how great are the frozen margaritas there. Actually I feel like laughing so much.

Thinking about ‘IT’, seriously thinking about ‘IT’. Not good. Probably should speak to you. But can I? Should I? Not your problem. Not anyone’s problem. That in itself is a problem. There isn’t anyone.



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Dear T. I hope that second text didn't bother you. I am trying to comply and do what you asked. However, not hearing from you is stressful too. Work was a nightmare today. Too many bosses. I don't know what the heck one was talking about for most of the day. She kept sending me screen shots and wanting me to fix stuff. A phone call/video call probably would have been better because I have no idea what she was going on about. I brought it my actual boss, the one who gives me my reviews, to try to figure out what this other one was wanting but even he didn't know. She was frustrating me to no end. I am in a bad mood now because of it. Some of my friends are away and I cannot count on them for support. And because I'm depressed now and frustrated and upset I am pushing others away. I'm surprised I actually reached out to you again. Especially since I didn't hear back from the first one. But we'll see. I wonder if my new anxiety medicine is making me more depressed. It is definitely helping the anxiety though! Kit

Even though I’ve been so angry, you’ve been so good. Even after I said things this are potentially hurtful, you never, ever get defensive or angry. You simply engage thoughtfully. You are really good. I feel like some of my questions remain unanswered. I’m glad you said that you don’t want to try and fix this, but just want to understand.

Dear T,
I want to go back to the beach. I feel like my presence in the house again is just annoying everyone (well, the guinea pigs seem somewhat glad I'm home, but probably just because they have someone else to feed them). And I feel sort of on edge, maybe because it's a big shift from the quiet to here? Or just that I'm tired.

Wish I'd just stayed there tonight, but I wouldn't have wanted to drive back in the wind tomorrow. And maybe I can actually get some sleep in my own bed. Though I might just be exhausted enough that I would get sleep most anywhere.

Love,
LT

You putting that BBC sounds link up, really felt like an attack. How close to the bone it was...it makes me feel very uneasy that you share these things publicly.

Surely it would make more sense to send them directly to your affected clients? Feels like you want everyone to know about what happened to me. Not everyone wants to share their **** you know. I understand why you do, you ****ed up and really hurt someone, then redeemed yourself or whatever. It's different for us people that never did anything wrong to come back from.

The woman on the podcast sounds ridiculous to me, especially the thing about her pregnancy.

I've been writing notes for next session for the past couple of days, but I am not sure whether to lean on my notes or talk 'freely' (as possible) about the event.

I don't want to omit anything, but I don't want to get bogged down in detail.

Are you being serious?!?

This has just confirmed the exact problem I am trying to explain to you. You don't understand me or where I am. Agreeing that you don't understand doesn't help. Offering to wait doesn't help. I don't know what to do and you sending me $hit like that is just a nonsense. What are we doing exactly? More to the point, what the £uck are you doing? Maybe you aren't as competent as I thought. I don't know what to do with this.

Actually, you were right about one thing. You are slow.

Change is very difficult for me, but I think I am ready to make one.

Oh my god, I have just realised that it is a poem. Wtf.

Dear T. Thanks for getting back to me yesterday. I can't say that what you said was particularly helpful, but it wasn't hurtful. And it just felt good, reassuring, to hear from you. So thanks. Kit

I am so nervous!!!!! Ugh.

I want to see you right now. Asking if I had stuffed animals was kinda odd though. Even though I do have a couple specefic ones I told you about.

Dear T and E:

I wonder what you guys think of me right now.
I spent both sessions today, sitting there half dead, with defeat and resignation ruling. Why would you want to keep talking to me?

Two more sleeps until we can move towards me metabolising the experience I had at the Cathedral.

It will be good to be able to say more than three words about it.

Thank you for the homework, I'm going to do it this afternoon after I get off work; I think it will be a worthwhile endeavor for sure. I forgot to tell you yesterday that I really appreciate how you said last week, about my thinkwriting, that it's for me... oddly enough (seems odd to me anyway) keeping it that way and not sharing it all with you, is helpful keeping my internal processing moving forward... yeah, yeah, that's it, knowing it's the writing that's the important part not so much the sharing it all. Interesting.

I miss you. I'm glad you gave me an appointment to replace the one I can't make. It would be such a long break otherwise. Thank you, you are the coolest oddity in my life.

So much for doing that homework H decided we needed to work on our taxes this afternoon. Double-triple-quadruple UGH. All I want to do now is drink.

I ordered the Squishmallow today since you said they were good for sensory relief and also I've been getting nonstop ads for them. I did feel a bit silly though ordering one.

I lost more weight. Not quite sure how. And Monday it may be warm enough for just a T shirt and jeans. So we'll see how much you rib into me about food and my weight.