Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

You never cared, you never wanted what was best for me. It was all only ever about what was easiest and best for you.

I should have trusted my gut from the start when you refused to answer my questions - it would have saved me a whole load of pain. And money.

I unblocked you on Twitter for a while over the weekend to read some of your therapy related posts and some of them are hilarious. You post and like stuff on there that makes it come across like you’re a considerate, thoughtful client centred therapist, but in reality it’s all a load of $h!t. Co-created boundaries? Flexibility in boundaries? Open to re-evaluating boundaries? Consider each clients needs? Boundaries are freeing rather than restricting? What a load of bullsh!t! Yet you talk about this like it’s something you do and spout a load of crap about how this is important.

Flexibility is not something you do. No touch, no walks, no self disclosure. You don’t take in to consideration your client’s needs, you use your power to enforce your boundaries, your clients don’t get any say at all. Like most therapists you were brainwashed in training, whether you want to believe that or not. You hide behind your boundaries, because you prioritise yourself not your clients.

You can bang on about the therapy frame needing to be fixed and rigid for therapy to work all you like, but I am telling you outright that all it’s done for me is show me that therapists don’t actually give a $h!t and their arrogance and self importance means they believe they always know what is best when that certainly is not the case. I don’t crave boundaries to make me feel safe. I crave a therapist who is willing to listen to what I am asking and respect that actually I might know what I need and what is best for me, and is willing and open to reassessing those boundaries, rather than them telling me that they ‘do enough for me already.’ I’ve never asked for anything that could not be ethically incorporated in to therapy. Someone who is not willing to do that is not creating a safe environment at all. All you have done is confirm to me that having needs is not ok. That relationships are unsafe, that I’m worthless and my thoughts and
opinions are unimportant.

And no doubt you would put all of what I am saying down to me ‘experiencing transference’. Well again, in this case you’d be wrong. I know what my transference was wanting from you, I understand how I experience you through that transference window, and it is completely different to what I was asking and what I am saying now. This is all about the here and now, our relationship based as two adults, not me reacting to like you are my dad. But no doubt you would use the whole transference thing to make yourself feel better and not take any responsibility. Because that’s what therapist do. Don’t like something your client says? Blame it on transference, rather than accepting the ugly truth.

And no this isn’t my ‘black and white thinking’ either. I can recognise that in so many ways you could have been a good therapist for me to work with. But you are not a relational therapist like you clearly believe yourself to be and want others to think that you are.

Homework will be done today after work!! It's percolating in the back of my mind while I'm working.

See you tomorrow afternoon.
I don't know how to explain the fragile space I'm in.

Okay, workday done, starting on my homework.

Dear T,

I feel relieved about the decision that my cousin and his wife made, like some weight has been lifted from me that I didn't realize was there. I think we'll need to talk about that a bit tomorrow. As I think it speaks to something else in me regarding D, something positive. It's difficult knowing my aunt is against their decision, though I understand why. I just thought she'd be excited to have a grandchild, no matter the situation.

Oh, and I imagine you'll be happy to hear how things went with H, though I don't think we'll need to spend too long on that.

Love,
LT

E: I am slightly disappointed that you never emailed me this weekend. I am trying not to spiral, and keep replaying your words that if you don’t reply to an email, it is bc something is going on in your life, and it has nothing to do with me.

I was looking forward to our in person session. At least now with telesessions you can't just cancel altogether. But to be honest I really am bummed about having to do Zoom today.

Dear T, I’m glad you had a nice holiday, but you’ve no idea the state you left me in after last session, and it’s been so long I don’t even know where to start when I see you later this week. In your absence I’ve been really struggling. Thankfully there have been days I’ve not thought of you so much thanks to my person taking me on days out and stuff, but there’s been days where you and what happened has been virtually all I’ve been able to think about and stuff with you has still lingered in the background even on the good days and there’s been days when it’s been really awful. It was so bad I even went to see a different T. I say ‘different T’ not ‘new T’ because although you cause me so much pain I still love you and it’d break my heart to part with you, though the verdict’s still out - it’ll depend on how things go in our session this week… I really hope we can repair things. I hope you acknowledge my feelings and validate them and respond in a caring way. I hope you don’t laugh at me again. It hurt so bad when you did that. Not that I let it on. Maybe I’ll let you know. It’s hard when you make me so anxious sometimes to share things with you. But if I don’t tell you how will you know? It’s hard sometimes when I come into session ready to tell you something hard and you’re there with your adorable sweet smiley face and I forget what I was gonna say. Although you make me feel such pain there’s been times where you’ve made me feel on top of the world - cared for, seen, heard, validated, even loved - but the bad times are really bad; I feel hurt, wounded, broken, like my heart is shattered, I feel it physically hurting in my chest, I feel like I can’t trust you anymore and regret telling you anything. Sometimes I think I hate you. Sometimes I think I love you. It hurt that I told you I loved you again and you didn’t say it back this time. Why didn’t you say it back? Why did you deny it when I asked you if you were mad at me? Why did you laugh at me when my child part asked you that hard thing? Why don’t you care? Maybe I expect too much of you. Maybe I’m too much for you. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough for you and it hurts. I can’t wait to see you but I’m also incredibly anxious about it. And you’ve no idea about any of this. You’ve probably not even thought of me since last session. I just want one of your hugs right now. But I know you’d tell me I need to be there for myself. It’s hard. But I still love you. And I still miss you.

*Queues up at :30 seconds in*

*Gets to the two-minute mark, puts it back to 30 seconds...*

I don't drink, but is this my equivalent?

Might need you to do more of the leading of session tomorrow, T, if I am still feeling this depressed. Hard to think when I am not feeling great emotionally.

I know we don't normally reply here but just wanted to say that he sounds a lot like his dad huh. I hadn't heard him before, I'm listening to other stuff of his now too. Thank you for sharing this.

You thought that session was amazing and a Iot of progress was made. I know we actually focused on one subject today for once and problem solved it. I just felt felt baked the whole time from lack of sleep. I did eat something and take a nap after our session like I said I would. A 4 hour nap probably wasn't what yoh had in mind though. But our session made me feel better.

Yesterday's daily grief meditation from Dr. Wolfelt was a bit on the nose.

Help me today. I'm too anxious to think. Going to do some breathing exercises.

Dear T,

I'm enjoying our sessions and how I'm improving on things. I know I'm still scared about facing the world again, but so much has happened over the years. Especially due to my losing my brother to suicide. It makes me happy that you're not giving up on me. I just know I'm not completely healed yet. There's so much more that I still need to face. I have so much survivor's guilt over the death of my brother that I believe this is what's holding me back.

It’s getting really tough again. I’m not sure what to do.

Thanks for the flexibility in moving my regular appointment. I hate that there are so many upcoming public holidays for that day of the week, but it is still the winning day for me. Please take care of yourself, and I will try to do the same for me. I slept about 12-14 hours yesterday & in the night, now all I have is a sore throat. Still, I'll take things slow. It's been a while since my body screemed at me that unavoidably.

I hope you feel better soon, Alice.

I know I wasn't treated very well at the tattoo shop, but I miss feeling like I belong somewhere. Even if it wasn't real.

well, darn it. stupid ego.

A week tomorrow until we can continue unpacking all that emerged from the Bereavement Day event.

Seems there's plenty to talk about.

Dear T, I have so much to say in our session later this week. There’s so much bottled up. If you even dare say it’s all transference or my ego telling me stories I’m going to lose it. Do not patronise me and do not . I need you to acknowledge that you’re a person and I’m a person and talk to me like I’m a person not a child. I don’t normally challenge you or stand up for myself because I don’t want you to reject me. I know you know I’m terrified of rejection. But I’m so fuelled up I might just let it all out because honestly who cares, I shouldn’t have to keep it all inside. Im forever skirting round your boundaries and thinking of your feelings. I need my voice to be heard and I need you to respect what I have to say. And if that means you reject me then at least I stood up for myself and spoke what feels true for me.

Thank you for those beautiful photographs. I will frame one when I'm ready. Sand tray is an amazing tool and I'm happy I gave myself so many flowers.

Dear T,
I thought you said you wouldn't be away again until summer? Sigh... I hate how I get all teary when you say you're going out of town. I wish you could just tell me over email or something so I could deal with it then instead of showing all those emotions in the moment in front of you. I know you have the right to take vacation and that you deserve it. But I imagine R won't be around because it's Spring Break and she has young-ish kids.

And I feel awkward for saying that one thing I get from you is intellectual conversation. Granted, I said I know it's something I need to look for elsewhere, too. But I'm sure you'd think it's not something I should be getting from a therapist. Though I think you get something out of that sort of conversation with me, too, or at least you did during the first part of the pandemic.

Love,
LT

Thanks for retraumatising me then ignoring me.