Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

**** you to be honest.

Dear T,
Ugh, why couldn't my mom have told me about that *before* session? It probably would have been better to have discussed that with you than the twice a week thing (or the traffic, but I also think that was somewhat insightful, in how I view the world, including other cars). I'm sure it would be OK to email you about this. But I will do my best not to. At least I didn't already email you about the other thing from the end of session...

Love,
LT

My transference T didn't tell me she was in the process of moving at the excat same time I was. I was bored and snooping online the other night. I don't know. I get I didn't have a right to know she was moving too, It just bugs me a bit that you'd think she would share that with me since I was struggling with it so much.

I'm glad my current and last therapist can discuss things and be open yet not be overshares or creepy either.

I really like my current therapist.

I know we don't usually respond in this thread but i just wanted to say that I do sand tray with my t also and I agree it's an amazing tool. i have a booklet of pictures of some of my past sand trays that my t gave me. one particular sand tray i did was so meaningful to me that i framed the picture and it sits on my work desk.

I texted with new T so much yesterday that I told her she could charge me for a session to make up for her time. She said she wouldn't. I need to not text her now until our next appointment.

I am so glad you are connecting with new T, but it makes me a little worried that already, you guys are texting a lot in between sessions. I hope I am wrong. I just don’t want blurred boundaries to become an issue again.

If I am completely out of line, I sincerely apologize, and will keep my mouth shut in the future!

No worries. We texted because I have self harmed which is something that she wants to know before the next session. Hopefully before it happens but in this case it was after the fact. Then I needed treatment so she was trying to make sure I got it. I texted her today to tell her that she could charge me for a session because I know I took up her time yesterday. I don't plan to text her again until next session. I don't want to text her too much either or to rely on her too much between sessions. I do think I could probably benefit from two sessions a week but I don't know financially if I could afford it on a regular basis and I don't know if she does that. I totally don't mind you commenting. If you all here at MSF hadn't pointed out all the red flags with my last T I may never have left and she was detrimental to me but I could only see that at the end. HUGS Kit

I just saw your post in the Couch thread. I didn’t realize everything you were going through. I absolutely contact my T a lot more when I am in crisis.

I'm thinking of the time a month or so ago when I told you I ate an 8 count box of Gogurt in one sitting and how you had this bemused look on your face. Lol.

so it turns out I got h's friday and saturday appt times mixed up - friday is 8am, Sat is 10 am and I had them backwards - I could have come tomorrow afternoon after all. I'm not gonna ask last minute though, gonna try instead sitting with the consequences of my mistake and just wait til 3/17 like we scheduled. I don't have anything really urgent, and I'm not done with the homework yet besides. I won't be darkening your door much longer anyway so might as well just wait til then huh!

Thank you for today T, thank you for repairing things with me, for acknowledging my pain and for saying you were sorry and helping me work through the hard stuff. I think you meant it when you said you were sorry. I’m low key pissed off at your supervisor for suggesting you take that different approach that made me feel awful, but I also recognise the important information that surfaced out of it. And i think I believe you when you say you didn’t intend to hurt me. I’m glad I got to express to you how much it hurt. I’m glad you gave me time to express that, the sad part felt heard and listened to even when I didn’t say anything for a few minutes. The way you sat with me in it patiently meant a lot. And I’m glad you held me with that and didn’t try to deny any of it. I was so worried you were gonna do that because that would have made me feel so invalidated, I think it’s because that’s been my experience with my parents. I think today was the first time for as long as I can remember that I actually said the words ‘I’m angry’. Wow. What a revelation that I was never allowed to express that as a child because it was never safe, and how that affects me now. That along with the fact my parents never apologised to me. Thanks for being able to cope with my intense feelings, and making it feel safe to feel them, even the anger, and for confirming that I’m not too much for you. I am grateful for you. And I’m a little scared to say this now, partially because I think you think that when I say this it’s not actually about you, but it feels true for me…I love you

I feel bad because when I’m not in a good place, I really don’t like you even though you go out of your way to help me. I am sorry, but I don’t think I will ever say that to you. I get so angry for no good reason. I need to work on this. I am sorry.

My Squishmallow came today... I don't get it? It feels like any other stuffed toy. I put it on top of my bookcase.

Sorry about the low calories today. To be honest I just didn't feel like eating much today so I didn't try.

It all seems to be going south a lot faster than I expected.
I'm hoping things will iron themselves out by mid next week, so we might still be able to have an in-person session.

Although I'm sure it was unexpected for them as well, the closure of the mental health charity has hit me hard.

Nearly 7 years of weekly emails to lean on.
I'll save them, of course, but...they became my ritual when Steve died.

E: I think we both know that we are forging down a new path. I’m scared, but I also trust you.

oh btw i don't know if you looked at that book i told you about. but i started reading it again and am almost halfway through it. Am gonna try to finish this coming week. See you next Friday.

Dear T, it was hard having to do our session on Zoom because of the stupid snow. I was ready to drive an hour in the snow and ice for you but as you said it was just too bad and thanks for caring about my safety. It was really hard though that I missed out on our hug at the end. The hugs for me signify that no matter what I talked about things are ok. My love language is strongly physical and it’s hard when I don’t get that very small amount of physical contact from you that you actually allow. I want to ask you if it’s ok if I come to yours just for a hug sometime between now and next session. Just a hug and then I’ll go. I don’t want to wait a few weeks for another hug it hurts. But I don’t want you to reject me and say no because of your boundaries. It’s also embarrassing how much your hugs mean to me that I’m willing to drive an hour to you and an hour home just to get a 30-second-or-so hug from you. But I can’t help it’s how I feel.

I hate it when I ask myself what I need and can't come up with an answer.
I need a break from all the stuff that is currently happening so I can have a chance at emotional equilibrium for once.

It doesn't last, but it's nice when it comes around.

Hey L, remember the fairy tale you had me write? That remains one of the best therapy homeworks you ever gave me. It just popped into my head this morning along with the idea to rewrite the picnic table thing as a fairy tale. At first I thought I'd write it so that it never happens at all, but that wouldn't be facing anything it would just be putting the box it's currently in, into a bigger box, right? It's unresolved trauma and I need to resolve it - so I think I know how I need to write it. Here goes nothin'.

I ate a bag of frozen broccoli and cut up fennel for lunch. I also had a 90 calorie Greek yogurt. Breakfast was healthy too. But I just ended up crabby with a headache. Once I ate 3 frozen chocolate chip pancakes I felt a lot better. I just do better on not very healthy foods while still keep in my 1350 calorie range for the most part. I'm sorry you don't agree with this or with the idea of calories in calories out.

this homework is not easy and you will likely not be hearing about much of it. i appreciate that you said it's for me.

Sort of a werid question, but are we able to do a session somewhere outside of the office like at a Mcdonalds so you can help me get over my phobia of eating out in public? Idk how you'd react if I asked you that tommorow. I know last session I told you I really wanted to eat out but it freaked me out too much. And my mom and I got into an argument this morning over going out for dinner. Our argument was pretty heated too.

Hope it's OK to respond to this. When I first started seeing ex-T, I had a phobia of eating in public. She said at some point, we could have considered having a meal outside the office to work on that. I think she said she'd done that with another client before? We never ended up doing that, but just mentioning that it is something that at least some therapists would do.

As an intermediate step, have you eaten in front of your T before? If not, that could also be something to potentially try. Or if she wasn't comfortable eating in a restaurant, maybe you could get takeout and, say, sit on a park bench or some other location where people could be walking by so that it's someplace public.

I woke this morning with this song in my head - have been singing it all morning. Thank you for the difficult homework.

"And I think,
It's gonna be alright
Yeah,
The worst is over now
The mornin' sun is shining
Like a red rubber ball"

incidentally, I never knew that Paul Simon co-wrote that song until I just played it on youtube.

I tried eating in front of my last T. She gave me a Fiber One bar but I took one bite and a crumb fell out and I kinda freaked out and said "see I can't eat in front of people." Yeah It was silly but she was nice about it and let me throw it out.

Yeah I guess the first step probably would be being comfortable eating in front of her.

Thanks.