Couch 240: The Vanadis Couch

Motion that we call Couch 242 “Una’s plateau.” Or “An Odd Even Number.”

Who or what is Marcel the Shell?

By the way I was catching up with just the post texts, unable to see the posters’ names...and I got the identity of every single one right. Couchies, we are in a rut.

OK, I'm not alone in not knowing who/what Marcel the Shell is!

And now I'm thinking of that redditor who was (years ago) listing the stereotypical postings of various people on the Couch--I know mine had something to do with daddy issues with my therapist (ex-MC at the time)

This was literally the worst week of my life. I am supposed to go back to work next Thursday, and no idea if I'll be able to. I really can't go inpatient, though they did send a referral to them today because I couldn't stop crying on the phone with the crisis counselor. I am a mess.

Hugs, Velcro. I hope you can find something that helps you.

I ahd the weirdest dream last night i was watching an award show for fast food like awards for the best shaker fries(we dont have shaker fries in my country) and the best designed small fries packet. It was soo weird.

Marcel the Shell is the creation of a young woman. He is very tiny. Google it? He lives in a tiny shell.

OK, I googled, and it does not seem at all familiar to me! But apparently he is quite popular.

Dr. T sent a really nice and reassuring response to me email this morning. I think it helped that I went through what some of my thoughts were--both last night and in general looking at the clock during a session, particularly near the end--and said I knew they were part of my OCD (and not rational). And that I was trying to give him insight into how my brain works at times. He referenced that, saying it sounded "exhausting." And he called out each concern, saying he wasn't thinking that, rather than a sort of blanket "Everything's fine, I'm not annoyed." Which has seemed to truly work in quieting my brain.

He also explained why he mentioned ending when he did, how it's difficult to end a session at both a good point in the conversation and a good point on the clock. That usually I do well with that, but in this case, the intensity (of what I was talking about) seemed to be ramping up instead of down, so that's why he said something. Which makes total sense. But in my head at the time, it felt like he was cutting me off when I was about to say something potentially really important. Yet, he was really doing that for my own benefit, not his.

I'm going to do my best to learn from this experience and exchange.

maybe we should play a game called 'post something that doesn't sound like you but is still true'. haha!

internets playing up?

I need to apologize. Part of the attraction for me of Marcel the Shell was his tiny whispy baby-like voice. This would not be accessible to all my friends here. So easy to be thoughtless. I'm sorry.

About 20 years ago, I saw a male T for about a year (biweekly, I think?), and I didn't get at all attached to him. I can't even remember his name.

My therapist was really good about very frankly saying, “I’m going to stop you before we get into that because that topic deserves more time and I don’t want you leaving in the middle of an intense subject.” He’d make a note of what we were discussing and we would get back to it if I desired (many times I was honestly okay with not going back to it because I was in a different place than the week before.) It helped me to not feel cut off, but rather really cared for because of the thought for my well-being in the moment.

Why does it take an emergency to bring people back together?

My dad has apologized to me for not telling me enough that he loves me. And my sister is slowly starting to talk to me again. Life will go on, and they will forget these things, and they'll fall back into their normal patterns. This is why I cherish every single "I love you" to and from L...even H. And I try my best to remember to express my gratitude to them.

SD: dear lord, where has this therapist been all my life?

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

Oh wait. Were you playing art’s game? You used an apostrophe.

Today has been a really lovely day, the first really lovely day I’ve had in a long time, maybe even all year. Brunch with a friend, visit to the library book sale, swimming, hot fudge sundae, settling in to finish off Money Heist...

Thanks for sharing, Artley. That's basically what I realized here, that my T was trying to stop me before I increased in intensity. That he was doing that because he cared. When in the moment, it felt like he was cutting me off in the middle of my saying something important. Which felt the opposite of caring. But now I get what was going on, what he was trying to do.

And sounds like you had a good T who really cared. I imagine it's really difficult to strike the balance between letting a client talk, giving them their full time, but also not having them leave in a state of emotional distress.

Something I'm wondering about. I have this need to control the ending of sessions, to keep an eye on the clock, to be the one to say "I know we have to stop". It's partly because I fear overstaying my welcome, and also because it feels rejecting if my T says "OK, we need to stop now." The problem with that is, I find I'm fairly fixated on the time at various points during session, especially near the end. I also have the "OK, 20 minutes left, need to bring up stuff now or wait till next session" thought.

But really, near the end, it's this sense of "OK, I think I have about 10 minutes." Then we talk a bit, as I'm glancing at the clock, realizing it's more like 5. So then I throw out an "I know we have to stop soon, but..." (just to let my T know I'm aware of the time). Then maybe say that again when there's, say, 2 minutes left.

And I have this awareness of time in many other interactions, too. And the fear of overstaying my welcome with anyone, like a friend, D's teacher (if we have a conference), even my H. So I'm wondering if there could be some value in my telling my T that I want him to be the one to end the session for a bit. That I will do my best not to watch the clock, and I won't make any comments about the time. I'm wondering if this could help sort of desensitize me to it a bit.

Plus, if I let him be in charge, then if he ends late, it's on him, not me. And maybe it can help me realize it's not a rejection?

Just a thought of something I could maybe try out, depending on what my T thinks.

I'm glad you had a good day, @@.

Good to hear, @@.

Just thinking out loud here... I've been feeling back to a pretty even keel again since I've been crossing stressors off my list as I've dealt with them one by one. But there's a part of me not trusting it. Wondering if I'm just pretending again. Wondering how I know if this calm is real, or if I'm just sticking my head in the sand or something. Wondering also about some of these tools I learned in the cbt program - especially the 3 c's (catch it, check it, change it) is changing my thoughts, really another way of just avoiding (pretending)? Sure, now I have this question when it's too late to ask my coach! Ha.

I'm going to go take a hot shower and think about that some more (as I do some of my best thinking in water, where I can't write anything down haha) and then go to bed early. Night couchies.

dang, i didn't mean to kill the couch.

s Artie

*gives the couch CPR*

Aw, you didn't kill it Artie!

I often question things like you do at times that I feel I'm dong better. Like, Is this real? Am I just holding it together, then something will happen, and it will all fall apart?

This is an interesting question: "Wondering also about some of these tools I learned in the cbt program - especially the 3 c's (catch it, check it, change it) is changing my thoughts, really another way of just avoiding (pretending)?" I mean, maybe, in a way, many of us (myself included) *do* need to pretend in order to do and feel better.

Thinking of myself, if my true, genuine thoughts are anxiety about what could go wrong, fear of rejection around every corner, etc., then I think the only way for me to overcome those in some way is to pretend to myself, at least in the shorter term. Like, to use a very recent example, if I say to myself, "LT, you're being ridiculous--your T saying you had to stop for the day doesn't mean he's upset with your or rejecting you." If I manage to believe that, am I just pretending? Because it's not my true, underlying feeling/fear? And is there anything wrong with that?

Or if I'm thinking to myself "I'm totally going to get fired from this new freelance job. I'm not learning quickly enough and I had to ask for an extension once already." If I tell myself, "OK, LT, you have yet to be fired from a job. Of course they expect you to have a learning curve. And they were understanding about the extension, because of the weird computer issues, and it wasn't even for that long."--is that faking it/pretending? Or is it trying to stop myself from catastrophizing, which I think is a *good* thing?

Just throwing a couple things out there.

Also, I have to brag: I got Wordle in 2 today! Lucky second guess (I only had one letter, and it was yellow), but still exciting!