[Omers]

Wow. I am SO triggered.
I will go because that is what I do.

Possible trigger:

It has been so long since I have looked at a man and only seen an abuser. The only thing I can see is the men from my past, their legacy.

I know tomorrow the dissociation will kick in. I may or may not remember the session afterwards. If I dissociate I will look and act so normal. He doesn't stand a chance if I check out... even awesome T couldn't catch it if I didn't leave in front of him.
I want to tell him I am scared but it isn't OK to text.
Unless my BP drops my dog won't alert. Even if she does alert new T doesn't get it. My dog attempted to alert during the somatic session and he thought she had to pee.

So very scared

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, Omers. Could you possibly tell him at the start of the session that you're concerned about dissociating? (If you don't think you could say it, maybe write it down and hand it to him?) Is there something clear he could do to figure out whether you are or aren't, like a question he could ask to see if you're still fully there with him?


I hope your session goes well.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Hugs, Omers. Hoping all goes well.

[Omers]

I don't feel like I can reach out to him before session... and in the last two sessions I would start by pulling out the stuffy awesome T gave me, then sliding out of the chair to the floor, then a death grip on my service dog, then B*ing at my service dog for sucking as an emotional support dog and he didn't catch it. Awesome T would have killed for anything remotely close to that obvious especially when we first started.

When I check out my body keeps going just like nothing happened but I have no recollection of it. The best that even awesome T was able to do was recognize my starting to leave. If I left before he caught it he wouldn't find out until the email.

[AliceKate]

Could you write a note on a piece of paper and hand it to him at the start of the session to read?

[LostOnTheTrail]

That's a great idea, Alice.
I've started many sessions with R by handing her a piece of paper.
It was one of many things that I missed during the period of time where I was working with her virtually over lockdowns.

Have you explicitly told him what kind of behaviours you display when you are triggered? You can't rely on him interpreting your behaviours correctly, especially not at such an early stage.

You obviously remember how you behave at the point of withdrawal, are you aware at the time that you are triggered and/or dissociated? Or are about to enter that state? It took me a long time to be able to do this, but I can now identify when I begin to withdraw and can say something really short and blunt to indicate that I need help to ground. I am also working with a new therapist and it has become very obvious to me that I need to take responsibility for communicating what's going on for me because I can no longer rely on the well established knowledge and experience of me/my process that my ex-therapist had acquired along the way. It's been good progress for me to take responsibility for articulating my stuff - it is a more adult space and I am less reliant on the young parts who need/expect the attunement which they never received (and which it is no longer possible for me to receive, what a world of pain that is). It's not his job to work you out. Maybe this is related to the previous/perceived enablement on which he has commented.

[AliceKate]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

It's not his job to work you out.

I think it kind of is, tbh. At least if the patient cannot provide that sort of insight herself... right?

Originally Posted by AliceKate

I think it kind of is, tbh. At least if the patient cannot provide that sort of insight herself... right?

I really don't think so. Expecting a therapist to solve the puzzle of the client bypasses the client's autonomy. We are working ourselves out and understanding our own process. A good therapist helps with the enquiry, but they are not providing answers and certainly don't have access to our intrapsychic world where the deep work happens. That is our job.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Maybe you could spend some time working on a disassociation curve chart, listing out the stages of when/how you disassociate? L has done that with me for my SI, and just today we discussed doing one for my attachment fear flare ups. It's difficult at first especially if you don't know your stages. But working on it helps you become more aware and it will lead to coping skills to help along the path. The goal is to actually stop the pattern before it gets to an extreme. Plus, you will know yourself better, as well as, you T.

[Omers]

I will try that Scarlet.
I am also going to try and train my service dog to alert to dissociation...
Right now she alerts to a anxiety but it must release a different scent signature than what ever drives me to check out.
I do let him know when I feel myself fading out.
Today sounded like I might actually be switching in session... which would be why awesome T went so very slow. Awesome T did say he did not want to fracture me any farther.