Couch 242: madam i'm adam

Hugs, Kit.

Thanks, Artie. I'm not too bothered by not realizing this stuff before. I'm just sort of interested as to why it's coming out now, both this far into my therapy in general and this far in with Dr. T. Maybe in some weird way almost leaving recently and then deciding to stay has made me feel safer? I've also been reading about some stuff I posted here 5 years ago to work on the memoir assignment, so it's probably more likely that I'm making connections now that I didn't before. Or I'm ready to deal with things now that I wasn't then.

That sounds like the case with you, Artie. Though I guess you said it's more that you're being hit with it now. But maybe if you'd seen the photo before, you wouldn't have been ready then?

Not sure if you're there now or have yet to go, but I hope your session goes well with L. Maybe in your case, it helped to step away from L for a bit, too? And it helped you work through some things on your own and with the CBT courses, too.

Kit, I understand how it can be confusing and difficult to figure out. But I think there's a big difference between this T texting to check on how you're doing, after you reached out to her yesterday, and ex-T sending you a text of her bruised face or a photo of her in Las Vegas. This T is trying to help and support you. Ex-T, it seemed unclear what she was doing sometimes, how it was supposed to help you.

So I'd try to just trust that this T is acting in your best interest. Though I know personally that it can be really difficult to trust when you've been hurt or in unclear situations in the past. Hugs...

Thanks LT. It helps to have someone else's input with this because sometimes it can be hard to figure stuff out. I genuinely seem to like new T and I was worried she would be really strict boundaries but she has said a few things about herself that related to what we were talking about and she always brings the conversation back around to me. Like on Tuesday when we started the doxy.me call I asked her how she was. She said she had a headache. That she often gets them when the barometric pressure changes. I suggested that she may need to drink more fluids, to which she agreed. Then she said, more importantly, how are you doing today? She didn't go on and on about her situation. This is a good thing I think. Now if we could get those birds to quiet down!

Thanks for the hugs!

I have just finished watching the most remarkable TV series I've seen in a long time.

It's called The Piano, and it was broadcast on the UK's Channel 4.

They set up a piano in several train stations around the UK, and gave amateur performers the opportunity to play it. Behind the scenes, two of the greatest pianists and performers were listening to them to narrow down a shortlist of four performers to play at the Royal Festival Hall in London.

I can't quite believe what I've just seen. It was incredible, and worth investigating if you have the means to watch UK TV.

This was the standout performance of the entire thing.

This sounds really interesting! Not sure if you're familiar with this article/experiment, and it's not quite the same thing (though in a subway station!) but it made me think of this Pulitzer Prize winning article from a writer I follow (he normally does humor, but has won some awards for more serious stories).

Thank you so much for sharing that, LT!

I really enjoyed the article and then managed to find some footage on YouTube.
He's an incredible musician.

Ugh, this ongoing effing drama/saga of my life with (supposed) plantar fasciitis is destroying me. My insurance company denied more visits for PT, so I couldn’t go this week. I put in for an appeal, but I highly doubt it would get reversed before next Wednesday. Next week is also my last week off before I return to work.

I am absolutely terrified of going back. My feet do not seem to heal at all these three weeks I’ve been home. It is absolutely maddening. I went for a test walk for half an hour yesterday, and am still paying the price for it. How on earth am I going to be ready to be on my feet for 8 hours, if I can’t even do 30 minutes?

I had a complete meltdown in my trauma T’s office about all of this. We talked about all the possibilities about going back. Asking for a different position in the company for one. It would mean leaving preschool entirely, but there really are no sitting jobs at my company. It is a fitness/wellness center, so I suppose
that makes sense.

We talked about me having some sort of accommodations at work. It is impossible to do my job unless I am fully ambulatory-so that won’t work.

And then she brought up me looking for another job, one that would be off my feet, even if it is temporary. Then I can look for a job back in my field. That is when I just lost it. I’ve been at this company for 17 years. I’m preschool for 12. I love my 2 year olds, despite the insanity of it all.

I feel like an incompetent idiot who is completely worthless as a human. I have been afraid of this sort of situation since I’ve been at this job Not this specific situation (obviously), but where I am somehow forced out of my job, and need to find another.

The first time (as an adult) I tried looking for a job, was right after college. I barely knew what a resume was, much less how to make one. I still barely know. I had zero idea what I wanted to make of my life. No career goals or ideas. I still don’t. I got lucky when I first saw my company. Me and my friend drove by it (we were looking for jobs in a new city), and it looked amazing.
Someplace I had never seen before. She encouraged
me to go inside and enquire about any job openings.

The person I spoke with was super nice, and when he asked where I was moving from, he said he grew up an hour away. I lived an 8 hour drive from my current city. Anyway, he said he would talk to the boss. I got an interview the next day. It was very casual. They called me the next day as we were driving back and offered me a job (part time in child care).

Fast forward 4 years later, and my company was adding a preschool. My boss at the time told
me that she thought I would be a great preschool teacher, and gave me the job that I currently have.

All of this to say is I never had to do much actual job looking/resume building, proper interviews. The job I did get out of college was only because my mom worked there. No formal interview, and it was data entry, so no experience needed.

17 years later and I may be forced out of my job because I am unable (at least until this gets
figured out/heals) to do my job effectively. The real world is thrown at me. I am not a proper adult, there is
no way I can do this.

So, while I was crying, my therapist asked if I would feel better if I had a resume done before I left. I almost laughed because I thought she was joking. She was not. She went to a website that helps create resumes, and has job listings, and literally asked me all the questions while she typed it in. Then it created a resume out of that. This quite literally feels like magic. You can do this? What is technology? (lol) I guess much has changed in 17 years.

Everything isn’t “all better,” but I at least temporarily, have stopped panicking. This doesn’t solve the fact that I still need to go back to work. But maybe there is an out that isn’t an extreme reaction on my part.

OMG, if you read all of this, I will send you cookies.

Apparently I needed to get all of this out. I don’t have much of a support system besides a couple of friends
and my therapists.

Hugs, Velcro. I read it all (no cookies needed!) That's really good of your T to help you with a resume. It does seem like looking for a different job could be a necessary option right now. You could try requesting accommodations at yours and see if there's anything they can do? I guess there's no way you could potentially work in, say, a wheelchair or something like that? What if, say, an employee broke their leg? Would they just fire them? That seems illegal (assuming you're in the US, which I believe you are). Especially as this will (hopefully!) be a temporary condition for you, where you could get treatment and hopefully be back in there.


Did your T have any suggestions on where to look for jobs? Or what sorts could be a good fit? You mention college--even if you don't live in the same area, it could be worthwhile to reach out to your college career center. If you want to keep working with kids in some way, I would think there must be something you could do that wouldn't involve standing.

Have you thought about consulting a pain management doctor. Mine has changed my life from oxy just to get out of bed to maybe Tylenol at night?? Worth a try if nothing else works. My best to you!! I totally get unrelenting pain.

Velcro - wow what a job story! Plus i agree with LT - you dont get fired for getting disabled. You just get put on disability, right? HR figures it all out.

Also, if it is plantar fasciitis, yeah you do not "test" it. Its like being pregnant. It either is or isnt. If its not healed, you go back to square one almost. If its cured, you have to really reinjure / strain it again. That was my experience.

Did i tell you, i was messing up my foot getting out of bed? I was bouncing up without my foot flat on the floor and twisting it weird. I put birkenstock-like sandals with thick soles next to the bed.

I hope you feel better. I finally figured out how my back has been hurting my abdomen and pain is not fun.

As I understand it…if someone with a disability can’t do the job with or without accommodation, they can be fired (or not hired, as the case may be). They do owe you the opportunity of a 30-day window to look for an alternate job within the organization that you can do with or without accommodation. The employer decides the essential nature of the job, and can also decide if an accommodation is unreasonable, e.g., can one really take care of pre-schoolers sitting down?

SSDI threshold for disability support is higher than the ADA threshold for being disabled, it seems to me. The first is can’t work due to disability, the second is disability limits a major life function.

But yeah, think a new job is a way to go. And surely even your employer might be able to give you some temporary desk duty, Velcro?

Disability’s been on my mind lately too, since I opened up a second complaint against my faculty Senate, this one after yet more captioning failures and a very public violation of confidentiality.

Thanks everyone. I am just going to respond generally in this post instead of individually replying.

I can’t do any reasonable accommodations because I can’t take care of two year olds unless I am on my feet.

I know I didn’t sign up for short-term disability, and that’s all I know about disability.

You are so right Una, there really is no testing with plantar fasciitis. I know I am going to be back in constant pain because nothing has really healed, despite me being out for 3 weeks. I still haven’t looked at my bank account. I am terrified.

My therapist didn’t really give me any ideas of the type of job I could be looking for. 1-She spent most of the session trying to calm me down, and be rational about things (ugh!) And then the last part was helping me on the job site. Which of course I googled and am now convinced it is a complete scam and won’t help me at all.

I REALLY appreciate everyone’s suggestions. I am pretty much alone in all of this.

Also-Even a desk job at my company is on your feet. When I worked in member services, I had a chair to sit on in between people coming in. But then they took it away because it isn’t professional if a member sees you sitting!

I have thought about a pain management clinic.
I actually completely forgot about that as an option, so thanks for reminding me!

Well, but that is the kind of thing where sitting IS a reasonable accommodation. There is no practical reason that a membership service person has to be on their feet and mobile, while there’s actual risk to the company if someone can’t get to a small child quickly enough to prevent an accident, choking, etc.

At least I would think so.

And you should look into short term disability. That’s what it’s there for. Your wages have paid into the system for years, now you can reap the benefit of that.

Velcro, I've had pf in both feet and it took close to 6 months to get better. It was utter hell until I saw a podiatrist who told me about OOFOS. I wore them all the time in the house and Hokas for outside the house. I still always wear OOFOS at home. Never go barefoot. Even after getting proper shoes and doing exercises, it still took 6 months to heal. The shoes really do help make walking tolerable.

ATAT- you’ve got a point! You have to sign up for short-term disability every year in enrollment. I never do bc I am usually healthy.

ruhroh-I will look into that, thanks. Yeah one of the first things I learned was to stop going barefoot, which makes me so sad. It is a little alarming it took you that long to heal. Were you resting the whole time, or more on your feet?

I was on my feet when I had to be for work. I had the same thing a few years earlier, also in both feet, but it only took a couple months to heal. Both times were hard, but survivable. What made it hard was the emotional toll of not knowing when it would get better. for me, the trick was finding the right footwear for inside and outside the house.

I was upset to lose my bare feet also. It was part of my identity, being able to tough it out. I guess it waz a hippie thing. I cant even remember anymore, but i was very insulted by the idea of wearing slippers - it was foreign to me, so LADYLIKE, yuck! Slippers are unsupportive, demeaning, "i dont really go anywhere important" footwear. Whereas bare feet are, i could go to the moon with these.

This is why i was in therapy for forty years.

YES! The not knowing when or if it will get better is extremely damaging to my mental health.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna I was upset to lose my bare feet also. It was part of my identity, being able to tough it out. I guess it waz a hippie thing. I cant even remember anymore, but i was very insulted by the idea of wearing slippers - it was foreign to me, so LADYLIKE, yuck! Slippers are unsupportive, demeaning, "i dont really go anywhere important" footwear. Whereas bare feet are, i could go to the moon with these. This is why i was in therapy for forty years.

Oh, I SO hear you! I had surgery on my right Achilles tendon 3 years ago, the pain had become unbearable. Now my left Achilles is becoming painful. Going barefoot or wearing flat sandals is impossible. I LOVED being barefoot and the whole thing SUCKS.

I've never really gone barefoot much- I hate stubbing my toe. Right now in the winter time I use wool slippers with a rubber sole so I can go outside and in the summertime I use crocs as my slippers. I like slippers and shoes. They make my feet feel safe. My brother swears by oofos.

I hear ya sister. After I got diagnosed with the heel spur and plantar fasciitis years ago, I'm not allowed to go barefoot anymore either. (I do sometimes anyway but I pay for it after.) The podiatrist told me no going barefoot even to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I have orthotic flip flops and custom arch supports for my tennies (sneakers) and per the podiatrist, I'm not supposed to wear any shoes but my special flips and sneakers with the arch supports. When I was still working in the office, I had to have her write me a note saying I had to wear sneakers all the time, since they weren't allowed except for on casual fridays. Initially I wore a big boot thing on the foot with the heel spur, that kept my foot still, for like a week or something maybe more I don't remember anymore. I kept the boot, thankfully, because whenever I go barefoot too much or sometimes after I go hiking, the heel spur will start hurting a lot and I have to wear it for a few nights.

I had a nice lunch with 2 of my work friends this afternoon, we sat there jabbering on for over 3 hours haha. We don't get together nearly enough.

Ugh. They still haven't gotten their act together? I'm really sorry about that, @@. How are you coping with all this?