Couch 242: madam i'm adam

It's a bad idea to drunk message your almost-100%-sure half-sister on facebook out of the blue, isn't it?

What do you even say? "Hey, I don't know if you know this, but your mom had a baby in the tenth grade and that's me."

Yes, if you haven’t already done it.

If you have already done it, I think there’s a recall feature now.

And if it’s too late to recall, well, let the chips fall where they may. Might be for the good.

Grumpily. Next Senate meeting is Monday. I’m sure they’ll have their act together by then.

I'm also sorry you're still dealing with this. You shouldn't have to final *any* formal complaint, let alone two...

I agree with what @@ said about that. If you didn't contact her, it suggests you do actually want to.

Were her results on the DNA site, too? I forget whether you just found your likely birth mom's on there, then found her daughter on Facebook or if the daughter's/half-sister's was on there, too?

If so, you could maybe say you were on this DNA site and came up as a close relation? This might be a good thing to ask about in adoption groups/forums.

Please can someone remind me that it's not my responsibility to save the world?

I just received an email about the latest episode of a podcast I've recently started listening to.

I didn't message her. The DNA match I got was for a cousin. I had to build an extensive family tree of that person before I could find the details that lined up with the info I had on my birth family, which was basically just ages and genders of bm, her parents and her siblings. So the bm and half-sisters are not DNA matches. You'd think a new first cousin DNA match would arouse some curiosity though, assuming that person saw it.

Could you reach out to the cousin maybe? Depending on what program you're using, I think there's a way to message someone within it (you can with 23andme, I believe).

Ugh, I'm sorry, Lost. I'd think maybe it's required listening for people who don't think they have a chance of being touched by it, but certainly not for those who have been affected by it. Hugs, if wanted.


And it's not your responsibility to change the world. Were you considering contacting the host about it being inappropriate to send a message like that? Or were you more wondering whether you need to listen to it?

I didn't want to engage with it, but I am amazed at the insensitivity of it. I don't feel like I have the reserves as I am right now to voice my concerns.

It touched a nerve, and I am in a raw place at the moment.

Thanks so much for the hugs.

Yes, I can do that, but I'm not sure if I want to do that as it will open a whole other can of worms I don't think I'm emotionally prepared for at this time. I haven't even told my mother about any of this yet. I was drinking last night and feeling tempted to contact these people anyway. Thankfully I resisted that urge.

The weather is nuts - 60s last week and now it doesn't get above freezing and march is still like a lion not a lamb. I hate walking the dogs in windy cold - I am okay with just cold -but wind and cold is unhappy walking for me.

This is the commercialisation of emotional and mental health. Everything sensationalised, all sentiments for sale. Concepts and discussions which are actually pretty straightforward and repetitious are advertised as groundbreaking, essential, game changing, and on and on. It's melodrama.

Reminders of trauma, especially very recent ones or ones with which we were intimately involved, are horrible. And unavoidable. I have found some ways of dealing with my distress when I bump into triggers about CSA, but I still have some way to go with flashbacks etc. Hermitville is appealing. Do you have ways of managing your triggers with podcasts etc and with seeing the words you don't like?

Thanks, Comrade.

I certainly have ways, this was just a landmine in a context that I really wasn't expecting.

At present I am recovering from having had COVID, and therefore not in the best state of mind to deal with such things rationally or reasonably.

I'm well aware they're just words on a page or a screen, but in this specific context...it was maddening.

I wasn't dismissing them as "just" words. You are clearly very affected by them, they (and the associated feelings) are significant for you.

The unexpected nature of these things can be a real gut lurch. I think rational and reasonable are very over rated ideas. Let this $hit out, it doesn't matter if it's messy and ugly. All the more reason to let it out. What has happened to you must be excruciating otherwise the words would indeed just be words. But, for you, they aren't.

Thank you for clarifying.

I would be grateful to be able to articulate the messiness and ugliness of this experience.

Strangely, it's moments like this that remind me of how much I need to but can't.



As someone who is a writer, and someone who teaches writing...I have particular ideas about how this needs to come out...and it's not obeying those rules.

When has there ever been logic to grief?

Trauma doesn't fit into words. It all sounds raw and early for you. Do you shout and yowl and groan and screech? Noise, not words. Something prehistoric. A lot of the time, I am too controlled to access these ways of expressing. However, when I do, it really brings out a new energy and new way forward, even for a limited time before I revert to something more linear.

Also, I don't want to faux-therapise, but could there be something else other than grief going on for you? It was noticeable that you thought I was saying they were just words when I was describing trauma. Could that be a projection, something like you feeling that you are making a big deal out of nothing? Believing normative ideas that you should move on, that you don't deserve to feel, or something? Beating yourself up.

You don't have to answer my questions obviously, it just struck me as a something noteworthy.

Exactly.


There's a shame component to my grief this time around, but that realisation isn't even a week old yet.
I intend to explore it further with R on Thursday.

'Big deal out of nothing' sums it up well.

The new Couch is here: Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral