Couch 242: madam i'm adam

I'm sorry, I hope you're able to see a new t sooner rather than later!

Just got a text from my longtime friend who will be coming to visit in early May - turns out they're coming in April now and staying for longer than originally planned so we're going to get to spend a whole day together instead of just going out to lunch! So excited. I've known her since what, like 1988 when we met at our then-workplace back in the midwest. We lost touch for a few years there, but then eventually got back in touch via facebook. This is the friend I visited in Oregon this past summer. Am so looking forward to her visit!

Okay, now i can reply. But this format sucks.

Explanation - i couldnt reply! Or post a new thread. Finally figured out, the new GIF software does not work with the skin called "default style".

But thats the skin i like! Its nice and compact!

Lately I have this fear that I am losing my mind. I don't think I am coping particularly well. I texted T about it just now. I had texted a couple of friends about it earlier but they weren't helpful. I am currently trying some grounding exercises to see if that brings relief. On a possibly related note, the panic attacks are back. So I don't know if that is fueling this or what. We'll see what T says.

HUGS Kit,

I am pleased to hear you are looking out for yourself and your needs.
I hope T gets back to you promptly.

Hugs, Kit.

I like desert sand... that's easiest on my old eyes it seems.

Mine is a nice ibm blue. Reminds me of when i was a young'un working in the COBOL mines.

woo! just finished the last 4 hours of make-up time for being off work Tuesday when my internet was down all day. Let the weekend begin! Well, I do have t this afternoon, but outside of that, let the weekend begin! haha

Not sure how I feel today. I am filling in for a coworker who is on vacation and so far I am doing okay with that. My boss threw some stuff at me so trying to sort that out. It's confusing sometimes. But I'll get there.

Hugs, Kit. I'm sorry you got what sounds like some unexpected stuff thrown at you, and hope you get it sorted quickly. You got this!

Thanks! I reached out to one of my bosses for clarification but she hasn't responded. So I sent back the answer to my other boss with what I know we need but if first boss comes back with something else I can just send him another message. So I guess I got it sorted. Just a weird day at work.

Thanks for the HUGS!

HUGS for you too!

HUGS, Kit.

I'm kind of thankful that I was unable to work this week due to my positive test.
Something happened at one of our workshops, and I wasn't there to witness it, but I'm witnessing the fallout over email...and it's spectacular.

If we can't do this aspect of our work safely, then we shouldn't offer those workshops.

HUGS Lost! That sounds horrible!

Hugs, Kit. Hope it all works out and your day goes by quickly!

Thank you LT!

Dr. T shared a rather ex-MC-esque story about his grandmother in Brooklyn today, though it was actually related to something I was talking about, unlike many of ex-MC's stories. He was like, "This will only take a minute." A few minutes into telling it, he looked at his watch and was like, "Sorry, it's a bit longer." Me: "It's OK; it's interesting!"

It was tied into a sort of revelation I had about my mom and her holding a very long grudge (involving no-contact) against her sister (well, it's a mutual grudge). And how knowing she can hold grudges like that affects me (like, could she do that to me, too?) Dr. T was like, "Where is all this new material coming from, 5 years in? Is this like the season finale, coming attractions, so you tune in next season?" I'd also shared something distressing that I saw happen between my friends years ago a few months ago, and he was like, "Why have you never shared this before?" I wonder if some of what's happened with him (like conflict) has unlocked some things for me? Or just some things are falling into place in my brain?

I needed to doordash lunch today because I was too tired to make lunch this morning and we didn't have any leftovers anyway. So I finally decided on Waba Grill and got a steak bowl and dumplings. I don't know if I will be able to finish it all but if not, leftovers! Yum. I was craving steak anyway. It's a bit early for me for lunch but, we have to go to dinner early tonight because my Dad has a meeting at five PM so I needed to adjust my whole eating schedule today.

I am glad it is almost the weekend. Maybe I can get a couple of naps and "catch up" on missed sleep. I know that you really can't "catch up" but sometimes it still feels good to nap.

All rest is good rest, Kit.

I hope you are able to take the opportunity to have some time for yourself this weekend.

I think its men without periods who say that. My period used to knock me on my posterior. Or pms did. Once it started i was superwoman, all hail estrogen!

See, I get wiped out the first few days of it. Which just happened for the first time in 4 months (the unpredictability of perimenopause).

Well, you gotta be fair to yourself, LT I have to admit that "Why have you never shared this before" hit me in an uncomfortable way thinking about how I would feel if L said that to me - nothing against Dr T but let's be fair to LT here, you only get x amount of time with him every week or whatever, and you've had many years of life before you ever met him, so you can't be expected to have told him every possible pertinent thing that ever happened. I think things just get unlocked or whatever when they get unlocked, like you said, and things fall into place when they fall into place. Like this current 'thing' i'm dealing with, some unresolved trauma from childhood, I told L about it in year one but that was as far as it went then, I wasn't ready to deal with it yet, so I basically locked it up in a box until recently when I saw a picture of the place it happened that basically 'knocked the box off the shelf' so to speak and forced me to deal with it so we are working on it now, or well I am - I will be sharing stuff with her later today. Whew, that was a lot for me to comment

I remember that feeling. Been awhile. I'm much happier though not dealing with that whole mess anymore. I say, all hail post-menopause!

I texted New T yesterday because I was worried I was going insane. That's a new one for me. It was kind of scaring me to be sure. She responded and was very nice about it. Today she texted me to see how I was doing. I told her I am pretty numb and either I am unreal or things around me are unreal, not sure which. That I didn't sleep good, but it was nice to cuddle with Zoey all night. And that I am thinking it is good it is almost the weekend so I can get some more sleep. I told her I had thought a lot about self harm before I got numb but that I hadn't acted on it. And I told her that although I am day-dreamy today, I am still able to do my work and my coworker's work, and I even got a compliment from my difficult boss. So to summarize....I told her I think I am hanging in there.

I am slightly worried that she texted me without me texting her today. But I think that is a hangover thing from ex-T. I just don't want things to get too unboundaried. But I am not bothered enough to tell her because lately I've been thinking a lot that people don't care about me, and here she is showing me that she does indeed care about my well being.

Eh. Therapy is so difficult to figure out sometimes.