Couch 242: madam i'm adam

I found another potential therapist on my insurance website. I called her number and then it said you could text so I did that. She is only doing telehealth though which is a bit disappointing but oh well. Hopefully one or both of the potential therapists will get back to me.

Ugh. Anxiety sucks

I feel like I am going to have a panic attack. Sigh. I really need to not have so much anxiety. I gotta remember to breathe and try to calm down my limbic system.

Hugs, Kit. Keep posting here if it helps. And yes, breathe.

Hi Smiley. I meant cancel tomorrow's (which I did) and then presumably still see him for at least some of what I have scheduled (Friday, then Monday/Wednesday/Friday next week).

The new therapist works partly with regular talk therapy, but also includes EMDR, guided imagery, yoga, and I think art therapy (I might be missing one) when clients are interested. She seems to have a lot of training in different areas.

I'm not sure otherwise what her alignment is, but she was appalled when I said Dr. T didn't believe in unconditional positive regard. To the point that she said he shouldn't have even become a therapist if he didn't believe in that, as it's a basic element of therapy.

I do worry a bit about the lack of outside contact, particularly if I were to try EMDR (if lots of feelings got unleashed). She said she can schedule extra sessions if needed. But what if she wouldn't have anything available or our session was on a Friday, so I'd at least have until Monday? However, I also feel like outside contact has probably led to more stress/conflict for me overall than comfort and support. So it could be worth seeing how I do without it. If that doesn't end up working for me, then maybe I look for another T who does offer it?

The thing is, right now, after our latest conversation, I don't feel all that safe in emailing Dr. T. I feel like, even (if I stay with him) and it's weeks from now, I'm worried that if I emailed him, his first thought would be "Ugh, another email from LT, didn't she get the message?" Rather than "I wonder what's going on?" or "I hope she's OK." (really, my thoughts about what he could be thinking are even more harsh than what I typed here). So I almost feel like right now, I don't have true outside contact.

Thanks, Artie!

I did cancel for tomorrow, but don't know whether to go to either of the sessions I'll have with him before that (Friday/Monday). I have time to decide. I plan to go to the intake regardless.

I feel like I may go through email withdrawal, but maybe this T can teach me coping skills that Dr. T did not.

At least for me, we covered a lot of grounding and emotion regulation skills and things like that before we moved into the reprocessing phase of EMDR. Plus there is a slower bilateral stimulation like relaxing guided imagery thingy at the end of the session if I'm not fully through processing something. I'm way less likely to leave feeling like a house on fire with EMDR than with a regular therapy session. (Although it probably also helps that my relationship with that T is much less intense and complicated!)

I am wondering if you will start to change how you see yourself and your coping capabilities if you drop down to two sessions per week and no outside contact. If you can adjust to it, maybe you'll feel more capable? If you can contain things more with this structure, you might not find that a few days is really that long to tolerate something and email will become less of an issue. Maybe you could talk to the new T about what you can do if you're feeling really stressed/overwhelmed/hopeless? Ideally you can replace email with something that is similarly effective, rather than just try to white knuckle your way through.

Lonesome Tonight- That sounds promising. It's great she has the availability to meet 2x per week and also schedule additional sessions as needed- sometimes that can be hard to find.

And perhaps you won't have such a strong need to email between sessions if you're with a more warm/validating therapist who practices positive regard and leaves you feeling that you're safe and cared for. It sounds like your current therapist is sometimes warm but also can be cold (detached?) at times and inconsistent with his boundaries, which could leave some clients feeling shaky - almost like they need to check in and confirm the relationship is okay.

I found that to be true about myself when I was with my former therapist. Her inconsistency (and what at times felt like subtle shaming) left me feeling rather panicked, clingy and insecure. And the more I reached out for connection or reassurance that things were ok- the more inconsistent she would become.

That’s why I honestly think you are better off in the long run without the option. So much of your anxiety about therapy revolves around emails. It seems to have gotten you to a place where you have great difficulty just sitting with your thoughts. Sort of that idea of delayed gratification. You’ve kind of lost that ability to sit and wait with your thoughts and feelings because easy access to email was just so easy and immediate. It will be an adjustment, but it may help you remember how to sit with discomfort for a reasonable amount of time. That’s a skill of self care that can be empowering.

LT—while I agree with Artley about no emails being better for you, I also wonder if a warmer, more validating therapist is going to make up for no emails. MC was plenty warm and validating until the end, but you seemed to need more and more of that from him.

I don’t think it’s the emails themselves that affect you, I think it’s your need for reassurance and connection. Emails can help with that need, but really what seems to be needed is a consistent ability to reassure yourself. It doesn’t sound from your posts that you’ve gotten there yet with either MC or Dr. T.

I'm really struggling. I don't know why I should continue to try. People tell me to think about others, what about their pain...but they never think about my pain! And I'm hurting really bad.

hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

Your pain matters, Scarlet, and it sounds really awful. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now AND I know that you can move through this. You have made an amazing amount of progress in the last couple of years. Try to do what you can to get through each minute. Ask yourself what you need and try to meet the need. Maybe soothing music, petting your puppy, drinking hot tea? It seems woefully inadequate as a solution when you're feeling the weight of your stress and pain, but the goal at the moment is to get through to when you can feel better, however you need to do that. I do hope you feel better sooner rather than later.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I agree that if you're feeling really bad, it doesn't help for someone to tell you to think about others' pain. When do you see L next?

I'm hoping that will be the case, that a warmer and more validating T will make me feel less of a need for outside contact.

With ex-MC, I think part of the issue was that because it was marriage counseling, we had to spend a lot of the time focusing on the marriage. So I couldn't get the reassurance I'd have received had I been seeing him individually. Plus, he often would seem to sort of side with H in session, so that felt invalidating, upping my desire for reassurance. And he was very inconsistent in replying to emails. So that was the intermittent reinforcement again.

With Dr. T, he'll talk about the need to be able to reassure myself, but it doesn't seem he's really helping me learn how to do that. It's sort of like how he'll say to trust in our therapeutic relationship. I feel I'm still lacking some of the tools or maybe the work on my core issues that would enable me to be better with that. Someone saying "Just trust in it" does not magically make me trust it. If only it were that simple. It's like telling someone with depression to stop being said or telling someone with anxiety to just calm down.

Morning couchies. It snowed here last night, not a normal thing for us! There's enough to completely cover the rocks in our yards with a blanket of white. Adult Artie does not like snow, but Little Artie was dancing inside when she saw it and so I took her outside and we made a little snowman in the birdbath haha!

I like the cute snowman!

heehee. mr snowman melted away rather quickly once the sun had been up for couple hours, and most of the snow on the ground is gone now too.

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much, Scarlet. I hope you can feel better soon.

Cute snowman, Artie!

I didn't tell my current therapist about my appointment with my potential new therapist on Monday. I know I should have. But I didn't. I'm a big chicken.

I am also really depressed and hurting and I hope I don't self harm in between now and Monday when my appointment is with my new therapist.

Thanks, EM.

I've been trying to follow my safety plan. I took a nap yesterday, I made yummy food for dinner. Did my nightly chores. Read L's and my scrapbook. Took my meds, and went to sleep.

I made it through last night which included two fights with H. It's been so hard facing the inadequate support in my life and how that has impacted my past, present, and could be future (if nothing changes). I just feel so much grief for all my parts. L says as my window gets bigger, so does the pain. That we can face the hard things better, but it hurts more. And she says this is the path to healing.

Thanks LT.

I see L today. Thankfully, she had an opening. That's one reason H and I got into a fight. I also had a phone call with her last night to help calm down after the fight.