Couch 242: madam i'm adam

I think many therapists are arrogant jerks but I don't think that having boundaries necessarily makes them a jerk or shaming. The guy keeps saying he isn't relational - I think trying to force him to be is not particularly respectful of his choices. It seems anytime a therapist sets a boundary and tries to keep it - it becomes too upsetting and you leave to find another one.

Maybe so. AND it could also be that this isn't the right therapist for LT. Both could exist.

I know I personally could not see Dr. T. I do need a relational therapist to help me deal with my relational issues: trauma, fear, abandonment, etc. I also need things like email and touch.

AND the therapist has a right to their boundaries and can be relational at the same time...

I cancelled cable and am watching antenna tv - there are reruns of old tv shows and a really terrible one is Caroline in the City. Did anyone in the 80s really believe the Richard character was straight? Seriously - the least straight man possible trying to play romantic interest to a woman. It is painful and awful to watch -but like a car wreck -hard to look away

OK, this is kind of great--thanks! Title: Ode to Dr. T

Thanks, @@. I really don't think it is worth it. And it really does make me think of a bad romantic relationship or two that I've been in.

I'm thinking in particular of one that I was in during college and for a bit after graduation. Where he was causing me pain all the time in the last 6 months or so (though there were still some good moments, of course). But it felt too painful to end it. When he eventually broke up with me, it felt like agony. But then not long after, I felt better, more like myself. (We did try again maybe 5 years later, but that time *I* ended it after a couple months.)

So I'm wondering if that's what might happen here. If I end it, then maybe it won't take too long to feel free and more myself.

And if I can find a therapist who's more openly supportive, I also don't think I'd have this need to keep checking in. As I said to him the other day, I'm not anywhere near this insecure with other people in my life. For example, if I'm messaging with a friend and they suddenly disappear, I figure, "Oh, something probably just came up with their kids or their dogs or whatever." I'm not like, "Oh no, do they still care about me?" And desperately try to check in. Because I trust that they do care and haven't abandoned me. And I trust that about my H, too. (I haven't always been this way, so apparently I have made some sort of progress!)

So I don't think it's so much *me* as the relationship/him.

I used to watch that show! I don't know why, as it kind of sucked. I guess there were a lot fewer options back then. Was Richard the one who was kind of depressed and dark? If so, I had a bit of a thing for his character. Not the first time I've had that for someone who was likely gay! (He played someone straight on the show, but see: Niles on Frasier.)

I don't think boundaries make someone a jerk either. Something I was saying to him even today was that a therapist can be both warm and have good boundaries. He seemed dubious.

And as one of my friends said, he thinks he has good boundaries, but he actually doesn't in some ways. He's actually quite inconsistent. (Though I'm quite sure he'd disagree with that.) Which I think is part of the problem, intermittent reinforcement.

I agree that both could exist. I mean, I've read about it on here! I'm looking for a therapist who's more relational now. And mostly focusing on females (including the one I'm having the consultation with).

An' lots of westerns?

I'm so excited!

Love this @@

You and SD gonna be TV buddies in the nursing home.

I hate westerns

My GP appointment went well yesterday. She is going to do some blood work for some hormonal stuff that is going on with me. She said if we need to we can also do an ultrasound. My labs looked good. Improvement over last time. And she said my kidney function was good. I have an appointment for 1 March but she said I can keep it or cancel it since we pretty much talked about everything this time. I'm debating.

Glad it went well, Kit! Hope she can get some answers from the bloodwork. When would she have results from the that? Wonder if it would make sense to keep the appointment for now just in case anything shows up? I assume you only need to give a day or two notice to cancel, so maybe keep for now.

Thanks LT. I'm not doing the blood work until like June so she wouldn't have answers for that. I am keeping the appointment for now because I've had some instances of SH and I might need her to look at that but if I am doing better by then I can always cancel like on 27 February. I only have to give 24 hours notice. Plus sometimes she is just good to talk to.

Quick update that my consultation with the potential new T, S (it helps that everyone has different initials--well, ex-MC and Dr. T have the same first initial, hence their nicknames), went really well! She was very validating (asked about why I was looking to leave my current therapist) and seemed quite warm. But also down to earth. So I'm going to meet with her for a first regular session Tuesday. She said we can use the first session to discuss what I want to do about Dr. T rather than a traditional intake, then if I'm staying with her, can do the intake over the next two sessions potentially (as her intake is 90 minutes).

Need to figure out what exactly to do about Dr. T. Do I say something tomorrow about this session? Cancel tomorrow and maybe say something Friday or Monday? Wait to see how it goes Tuesday to make sure I feel comfortable with her in person?

She doesn't allow outside contact (when I first said "outside contact," she thought I meant meeting for dinner, so I clarified). But honestly, that might be better for me. She does allow scheduling an extra session. And is willing to meet twice a week (and has room in her schedule--she said it's a down time in that for her, so I had good timing).

Advice on what to do regarding telling Dr. T? And whether I should cancel tomorrow with him? I have 55 minutes to decide!

I called the therapist that I emailed yesterday since I didn't get a response. I just got a voicemail. I tried looking online for some information about her. I found her website, her blog (only 3 posts), and her professional facebook page. She only has one review on like Healthgrades or something like that. No reviews on Yelp or Google or anything. I don't have a good sense about her. I hope she is accepting new patients. I should be able to tell after a couple of sessions if I like her and if she might be able to help me. I am not thrilled about possibly leaving my T (I'm not going to tell her that I am consulting with someone else) but I am not sure I am getting better with her and I want to get better. I mean what am I spending all this money for if not to get better! I hope she at least calls me back regardless if she has openings.

I'd give her a bit more time to reply. She could be out of town or really busy. Did you leave a voicemail? Some T's are also more phone people than email ones And I wouldn't go by ratings or lack thereof. People don't rate therapists as much as, say, restaurants. Like I don't think ex-T had any ratings. Dr. T has, I think, three 5-star ratings and one 1-star rating.


I hope she gets back to you either way. Do any other T's seem like possibilities? And if she gets back to you but doesn't have any openings, ask if she knows anyone with openings who takes your insurance.

You know, Burt Reynolds was in Gunsmoke as a mixed person. Seems like you would watch it out of respect as a woke person.

The Cisco Kid - his sidekick Pancho was gay IRL.

I could go on and on... but you already know that.

You know im playing with you, right? In the nursing home, we could get one of those old fashioned loveseats where each person faces the opposite direction.

LT - sounds promising!

Thanks LT. I did leave her a voicemail. And I will give it a few days to get a response. No one else accepted my insurance on Psychology Today but I could ask my insurance for a list. Although last time I did that I think there were only male therapists in my area. I found my current T on that list but she actually has an office that is an hour and 15 minutes from me but she does telehealth. Telehealth is okay but sometimes it is nice to go to the office. I wouldn't mind being able to do some of both.

If it were me, I would maybe cancel Dr T tomorrow since the last session didn't go well. I wouldn't say anything about consulting until at least after the first appointment with S to see how that goes. Good luck LT! I hope you find a way forward!

Do you mean cancel and just stop seeing him? Sorry I possibly replied to this too late but I would still see him to share your thoughts and concerns.

Question, did you ask your potential new therapist what type of therapy style their utilize most? (i'm not phrasing that right but what approaches they use or what theories underpin their style)....This would be important for you as you could finding therapists who aren't really into working with attachment etc.

Also, I'm not sure the answer is no outside contact as for many that causes more distress, but will interested to see if that helps you.

I've done a deep dive on this and I think some people need in between session contact. Not necessarily email responses from the therapist per say as that seems to be where things get complicated and go awry but at least an ability to send something to them in some way and have the therapist acknowledge receipt of it to be spoken about in the next session. It allows you to feel somewhat still connected and somewhat heard until the therapy space comes around again.

Blanket no contact can imo be distressing for those of us with lack of object constancy and attachment injuries.

Cancel with T and have your intake session with this one. Seems like that’s a more productive approach.

I agree that less easy access to emails is probably good for you.

Sounds promising, LT. I'm glad it went well. I hope you figure out what to do about Dr T, wishing you all the best with that situation.