Couch 242: madam i'm adam

Thanks, Lemon. He was so much better in the first, say, 18 months of the pandemic. Felt connected and bonded with him. He was consistently more warm and supportive, and we rarely had a conflict. Since we've been back in person, he's seemed colder and more distant much of the time, despite the physical proximity. And there have just been so many more conflicts/ruptures.

Maybe he was what I needed to get through that part of the pandemic, but I need something else now--someone else?

If he was mostly working from home during that time and you were meeting each other virtually, I wonder if that had something to do with the more relaxed Dr T. Perhaps he has gone back to being more formal now that he's back in his work setting, and it's that which you are picking up on.

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In the past two days, I've read over 50 unread emails from L. I'm trying to connect with her, bring up memories, and as a bonus, clean out my inbox. I have 25 left to go in my inbox, but 32 in a special folder... But I'm enjoying reading it all and it really is helping me with connecting.

In other news, little Luna peed all over my huge fluffy comforter last night. We had to take it to the dry cleaners because when I tried to wash it last night in my washer, it flooded the laundry closet. It was my fault she peed. I didn't put a diaper on her (yes we put her in doggy diapers), and I got her all excited to eat dinner. She'll not be allowed in bed without a diaper for a long time!

I had a pretty productive day of working today, but am glad it's done now. Heading to the grocery store for a couple things we forgot to get the other day, then will likely veg out in front of the tv for a while before going to bed. H went to watch the Stupidbowl I mean Superbowl and play poker both at a local casino because apparently in the cardroom, they're having different promos today and a free buffet or something during the game, so he'll have fun. He knows I couldn't care less about football and this way I get the good TV to watch Mayfair Witches tonight!! If I stay awake long enough that is. I love love love that show. Things have settled down a little around here in the last couple of days. I don't know for how long but at least for now.

I'm gonna pick up a cauliflower crust pizza too I think. That sounds delish.

I found a new way to eat leftover (or maybe even fresh) pizza. Heat it up, cut it up into bite size pieces, then it put on top of a big salad. It cuts out any question of going for another another another piece.

Oh interesting! Thank you for the idea! I only ever make pizza when H isn't here, since he can't have cheese, and doesn't like any 'fake cheeses' that the dr said he could have. I can cut up the leftovers from tonight and sneak 'em onto my salad another day and he might not notice Especially if I don't heat it up first - I still like cold leftover pizza haha

I'm so looking forward to getting my hair cut on Friday... I shall make it symbolic in some way.

The best pizza i ever had was a BLT pizza. No sauce, just mayo, and lettuce on top (and B & T). It was so refreshing! So this was a good copy of that.

My sister just told me about a dill pickle pizza she had. Not my cuppa for sure, I hate dill pickles but she loved it.

eta: my favorite pizza ever was this taco pizza creation they made at a pizza place waaaaaaay back when i worked for wiltel, when we had to comein for fibercuts and work tons of ot they'd always buy us pizza from this one specific place that had a taco pizza. it was fabulous. I've had them at other places since then but never as good as that one was. i don't even remember exactly what was on it anymore butit was soooooooogood this was back in the early 1990's.

man those were the days yes i said it again haha

ilike this one toooo

i think i just wish i looked like the models honestly

Google is such a quandary. I love being able to research whatever is on my mind. I also hate it, because I get stuck in the void of my symptoms, convinced I have the worst case scenario.

So I've been going through a ton of unread emails from L. One was carpool karaoke with Paul McCartney. If anyone likes the Beatles, you should definitely watch it. I didn't realize how many songs I knew of theirs. I even have "Take these broken wings and learn to fly" as a tattoo. Didn't realize he wrote that. So beautiful though.

Velcro you dont know what crazy google shyte i emailed my dr about when i was on and swiftly off ozempic. My gut hurt so bad, i did not want to live and you KNOW i am the sunshine of the couch.

Really bad session with Dr. T today (well, it was fine in the beginning when we were just talking about the Super Bowl and a bit about my D). He just seemed really harsh to me. And a bit shaming. I don't see how that's helpful to me.

I have a free 30-minute consultation with a potential T tomorrow, plus an email out to another one (and some others on a list). I think I really do need to change this time.

Oh man LT, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope the consultation goes well though and wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.

Thanks, Artie! I really just don't know what happened...

Had a big blowup with my friend yesterday but we made up today.

I'm sorry you had a blowup, but glad you were able to work it out!

This is so similar to what happened with MC, isnt it?

You mentioned in another post feeling shamed, and blaming T for it. Shame is just another feeling to be explored, IMO - not one that has to be avoided at all costs.

It does feel very similar to what happened with ex-MC, which is part of why it's bothering me so much. Dr. T *knows* what happened with him and how much pain it caused me. Yet he's just doing the same thing. (I'm not saying therapy can't be painful and filled with hard truths, but this feels retraumatizing in a way.)

I know the shame can be explored, but if he seems to deny shaming me or not care that he's doing it, I'm not sure how it can be productively explored with him. I think I need to work on the shame with someone else.

He just seems to lack the curiosity of "What's going on with LT?" Today, when we were talking about the volume of emails, I said that instead of just being critical of them, it could have been an opportunity for him to say to me, "LT, you're emailing me a lot, What is going on here? Let's discuss that." (ideally before it got to the point where he was annoyed--and he's always said he'd tell me before that point, too.) I don't think he really said anything to that comment. Instead, he was just complaining about the emails, saying he's not a secretary, etc.

Feeling shamed is not the same as being shamed - you can feel it and the therapist might not have been doing it.

I think it’s been pretty well established by now that Dr T is not the kind of therapist who does what you think therapists should do or want them to do. Which does not make him a bad therapist, but may make him a bad therapist for you.

I feel like I’m talking to every friend in a so-so to bad relationship, and probably they felt the same when talking to me during my marriage: this person is not what you want them to be, sure, sometimes it’s good to be with them, but not enough, and the cold hard truth is they have shown by now they are not going to change for you. So your only option if the relationship is to continue is to change for them, and then you lose yourself. Or, you leave and stay true to yourself.

Is the frustration with him and unintended hurt from him really worth the time and money you keep spending on this man?

Also I asked ChatGPT for a sonnet about a bad therapist. I think ChatGPT may be stopdog. (Except the last line is una.)

Amidst the halls of healing and of care,
There is a therapist, whose words are bare,
With every phrase, a sting that's hard to bear,
And every visit feels like a nightmare.

No warmth or kindness in this therapist's tone,
No empathy, no sense that they have grown,
No sense of safety, just a feeling alone,
A professional demeanor, but a heart of stone.

Their methods are as rigid as can be,
And every session feels like a decree,
A list of rules, no room for deviation free,
A "one size fits all" approach that's plain to see.

Oh, bad therapist, your patients need much more,
Compassion, kindness, empathy, and rapport.