It's been awhile since I posted. After four and a half misterable months, it seems as though the depression has finally lifted. I believe this is due to a combination of many factors-- a really important one being that I have taken a month off from work and have been working four days per week at my internship. I cannot even begin to tell you what it is like for me to be able to (temporarily) ditch the job that I hate and be able to really experience what it is like to be a therapist full-time. It is truly my passion. However, I do realize that next month I will have to go back to my job and cut back my internship to two days per week again. Even this is termporary though, as I will be graduating soon and will be able to get a better job. T and I are working on preparing me so that I don't slip back into a depression once I have to return to my job.

In the meantime, things have naturally been returning. I have been reading again, thinking about the next poem I am going to work on, cleaning, going out, and putting proper focus on my studies. It is like I am rediscovering life. There is also a lot of anxiety, though, as my depression is cyclic and I am focused on when it is going to return.

I had a wonderful session with T yesterday. I had called him the day before just because I felt like it. There was no crisis, there was nothing imperative I had to tell him. I called because, as I said to him, "I just felt like talking to you." In session, he reinforced how this was absolutely okay and an excellent positive resource for me.

He started out the session by telling me that I looked nice. That made me melt because as we get to know each other more, I see that he becomes more comfortable commenting on certain things. In the first year of our therapy together, he would NEVER comment on my physical appearance.

We spent the entire session with a focus on positivity. We used the EMDR clicking machine thingy to process positive events and memories.

T highlighted my strengths. It was extremely meaningful for me to hear him tell me what a strong therapist he thinks I am, and will grow to be. I admire him so much as a clinican from a professional point of view, and to hear him say that to me, as my therapist, and as a professional, meant the world to me.

During this session, I was trying to process the positive connection between us during the EMDR technique and he reminded me, "I care about you. I think about you outside of session."

Another thing that struck me was the way in which he knows me-- how he focuses on parts of me that no one ever has before. He was talking in particular about the way in which I have always interpreting music and emotion as colors and shapes in my mind-- and that is how I end up writing my poetry or producing art. This was always a natural way for me to think and yesterday T told me, "You have a gift." and we talked about ways in which I can use this in therapy because it is how I am most comfortable expressing myself.

Since I am off Tuesdays, I asked for an additional session this Tuesday. At first he said he wasn't able to do it and then after a few minutes, he changed his mind and said I could come in the late afternoon. :-)

We are starting the official EMDR process next Saturday. I am nervous and excited. Until now we have only done small EMDR techniques to help me process positive experiences. We are going to begin actual EMDR to bring up and process things from the past. T said, "It's like five years on the couch condensed into weeks." I asked him if he had done EMDR before and he said, "I would never use something that I hadn't tried myself and found that it worked."

Then he gave me yet another relaxation CD, only he gave me this one because he knows it's by my favorite relaxation CD person and it really works for me.

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
After four and a half misterable months, it seems as though the depression has finally lifted.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That is fantastic news. So good to hear you are feeling better and see your post. I know at one point you had started taken lithium. Do you think that helped?

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We are going to begin actual EMDR to bring up and process things from the past. T said, "It's like five years on the couch condensed into weeks."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">pink, my T said something very similar to me when I began therapy with him (and we did EMDR on past traumatic events). He said that EMDR is this amazing therapeutic tool for him, and his clients can move so quickly to process past events, what would normally take much much longer using his previous techniques (of which psychodrama was his personal favorite for processing the past). I hope it goes well for you!

Welcome back.

[chaotic13]

Glad your back Pink! I missed your posts.

[nightbird]

good luck in your new position, pinksoil.

I have a question, if I may?

What helped you most in reviving a healthier state of well-being?
I'm new here so I don't know how you treated your depression.
I'm also curious because my depression is ruining my ability to function in many ways, similar to the drawbacks you mentioned you have overcome.

Thank you in advance.

Be well.
nightbird

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome back. You have been very busy making positive changes in your current situation. I am glad that you were able to take the time off from work as you really seem to love your internship. That is great that you were able to make that happen. And, of course, your wonderful relationship with your t really helps. I hope the EMDR proves to be very helpful. It can be a very effective technique. It makes me happy that you sound so much better. I look forward to once again reading your posts.

BB

[MissCharlotte]

((Pinksoil))

I am so glad that you are feeling better. I have missed your posts a lot!

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Then he gave me yet another relaxation CD, only he gave me this one because he knows it's by my favorite relaxation CD person and it really works for me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think this is my favorite part. It shows the reciprocal nature of your relationship. You two truly care for one another....and that's a good thing!



Peace

[lauren_helene]

Pink yesterday, I did this whole huge response and it was perfect and then like an idiot, I hit the back button and lost it all.

Anyway, I'm glad that the depression has lifted and I wouldn't focus on when it *might* return. I think that being out of the toxic work environment and focusing on your passion has a lot to do with the lift.

When I was in my last job you might remember my mood was all over the place and since this new job, not so much.

My T's words when I quit my last job? "that makes my job easier"...if he was sitting next to me I would've (jokingly) punched his arm.

I'm also glad that your T validates you for calling him just because. I'm also glad that he tells you how he feels because I truly believe that our T's should feel free to be genuine and go with how they feel (within boundaries of course).

Have a good day!

[tulips30]

I am so glad to see you posting again. You have been missed.

Your comment re: your t's assurances & openess to your phone calls set my mind spinning a little. There seem to be so many people here who have such serious conflicts and hurt brought on by the phone call issues. Aside from those that abuse the phone, I am beginning to think that many therapists would be helping their clients to avoid so much pain by treating the calls the way your t. does. It shouldn't be a power struggle or an issue that becomes so big that people who are already struggling, end up gettting blown away by the unclear restrictions and rules etc. that so many therapists seem to impose. It seems almost cruel to me that so many therapists use the phone issue as a tool to confuse and manipulate the client.

I'm not sure if I am making my point clear, but it seems that many could take a cue from your t. as to how much the phone call can make a difference and make their job easier even.

I'm glad you are feeling better and while I understand the worry of "when is the next one" because I also suffer from cyclic depression, I know I don't need to tell you that it just plain doesn't help to be afraid of it. This comes after many years of me doing exactly that.

tulips

PINKY

awwww... i am SO very happy to hear such positive things. Of course you have a gift.. of course you are strong in what you love... and of course T believes in you... you gotta accept it baby cakes... a lot of peeps think you're pretty fan %#@&#! tastic!!!!!!!!

i love you so.

So proud of you.

i miss you though..

talk soon ok?

[Gracey]

Way to go babe. . .I knew you'd pull through.

Haven't forgotten about you. . .will catch you up on the Cincy news shorly.

Positive thoughts and good vibes for you my friend.

Pink,
You have really been missed! I'm so glad that you are feeling better

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It was extremely meaningful for me to hear him tell me what a strong therapist he thinks I am, and will grow to be. I admire him so much as a clinican from a professional point of view, and to hear him say that to me, as my therapist, and as a professional, meant the world to me.

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I can tell from chatting with you and from your posts that you are going to be an awesome therapist! Know that you have already made a huge difference in people's lives here on PC and I'm sure in the hospital in which you work. You have so much potential to help others! Again, I'm so glad you are back to being 'you' Love you!