Home Menu

Menu


Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old Feb 15, 2008, 12:22 AM
chaotic13's Avatar
chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,747
I've been trying to dig around in my past, looking at old photos, yearbooks, etc.. I can understand why I would suppress negative childhood experiences and abuse, but what about positive experiences and a positive relationship? In all of my introspection, disclosures, and much journaling I realized this week that there is one person missing. When I think of this person, I realize I have few clear memories, only general feelings. Its like I've totally wiped this person's existence from my memory. Has anyone ever experienced the suppression of good memories and feelings? What might cause this? Any ideas on how to retrieve them?
__________________
"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)

advertisement
  #2  
Old Feb 15, 2008, 08:49 AM
Mouse_'s Avatar
Mouse_ Mouse_ is offline
Magnate
 
Member Since: Sep 2007
Location: Sch of hard knocks.
Posts: 2,179
Mckell, Only time will reveal more!
__________________
Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach
  #3  
Old Feb 15, 2008, 11:09 AM
Perna's Avatar
Perna Perna is offline
Pandita-in-training
 
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
Posts: 27,289
For me, another person overwhelmed one person so I don't have very many or clear memories of the overwhelmed (in my head, not actually) one. Too, some memories of the overwhelmed one are associated with negative things so I'm probably "willing" to have them overwhelmed?

Could be all sorts of reasons or combinations; like Mouse says, keep working at it and time will reveal your patterns of remembering and forgetting.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius
  #4  
Old Feb 15, 2008, 11:29 AM
Junerain's Avatar
Junerain Junerain is offline
Legendary
 
Member Since: Jul 2004
Location: dreamy land
Posts: 16,888
In the movie White Oleander, which I recommend, Allison Lohman keeps drawing a picture of a beautiful woman, yet she cannot for the life of her figure out who she was!!! In the end of the movie, she confronts her mother for the truths of her life that were kept hidden from her......who her father was, why her Mom committed murder,( that's a stretch that one) and then, the name came to her of the beautiful woman she was drawing, she said Mother who's Annie, with long dark curly hair.......her mother admitted to leaving her daughter with a neighbor for ten months while she frolicked on the beach with a lover.......so the lady was a babysitter, a caretaker!! Perhaps you aren't suppressing something good on purpose but you were just so young....you cannot remember....it must feel like, geez, I wish I knew!! At least you know you have at least one good feeling from your past, right? Could you ask your parents for more background on your past? Look through old photo albums? You may have already done that...as you say you have had much introspection, much journaling, and much disclosing......kudos to you for doing all that......good luck in your search, the best search, the ongoing search.......of WHO YOU ARE.................... Digging around in the past, coming up empty
__________________
  #5  
Old Feb 15, 2008, 12:00 PM
chaotic13's Avatar
chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,747
Mouse, I hear you, thanks. Unfortunately, my ability to quite my mind and be patient is challenging.

In a recent conversation with my childhood friend, she shared some of her memories of someone with me. They were very warm and loving memories. At one point I mentioned a regret I had in my relationship with this person. My friend challenged my memory of events. She shared two distinct memories including very specific details. Her memories directly contradicted my less clear memories. She stated that she thought I was really judging myself and my actions during the past too harshly. Her memories provided clear evidence of a very caring 2-way relationship between me and this person. The thing is even after she gave me specific details, I still don’t remember these exchanges or more importantly the good feelings that would have been associated with them. Although I have a lot of trust issues, I can honestly say I trust my childhood friend. She would not lie to me about this. I know she is telling the truth, but I just can’t remember it from any perspective. This really bothers me. It’s like I’ve completely eased the good feelings and memories associated with this person, leaving only the feelings of pain, guilt, anger, and regret. I can’t see at this point any reason for doing that. I also don’t get why, when I now know they exist in my head somewhere, I still can't remember them. I really need to feel these good memories at this point. I know that it is OK for me to feel the negative ones too. An accurate memory of this person and our true relationship is important to me. I guess what I really need are not only 1st person memories, but to FEEL the crazy mix of emotions that go along with them. Even if I can't share them with others I want to experience them again for myself. I know it sounds stupid.

Perna, you said.. "another person overwhelmed one person.." Can you explain what you mean a little more? Are you saying that strong memories of one person, kind of consumed or blotted out your memories of another?

Not sure why I am thinking of this today. I guess I just am trying to break my childish pattern of ignoring, dismissing, denying. I'm saddened by not being able to remember this relationship clearly including both the good and not so good parts. For some reason this seems important to me at the moment.
__________________
"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)
  #6  
Old Feb 15, 2008, 12:14 PM
Perna's Avatar
Perna Perna is offline
Pandita-in-training
 
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
Posts: 27,289
My stepmother was very controlling, my father not so involved with me after he married her. So, whenever I tell my story to a new therapist, the first thing they say, is (as the one last month did), "You didn't mention your father." I have a clear memory or two of my father from when I was 4, my father married my stepmother when I was 5 :-) but didn't die until I was 42.

Is it possible someone came into your life after this person you can't remember and had a more forceful personality or that the person you can't remember receded in your life in some way?

Another thought. I'm the youngest of 5 children and remember less that is significant as I became older because the "action" of all of us was leaving, which left me more on my own with my parents and I retreated more into my room and self. So, I have extreme memories of my stepmother because we were often battling with one another, I felt beseiged by her, but not so many other ones because I was by myself more and not "participating" in anything. If you just had a "vanilla" life, weren't outgoing and doing much but didn't particularly have any trauma, you might not remember much because there's not all that much significant to remember. If you've been depressed forever, for example, what's to remember? Each day is pretty much like every other?
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius
  #7  
Old Feb 15, 2008, 01:30 PM
sunrise's Avatar
sunrise sunrise is offline
Legendary
 
Member Since: Jan 2007
Location: U.S.
Posts: 10,383
McKell, maybe it is hard for you to hold both positive and negative memories of this person at the same time, and for some reason the negative have won out. Or maybe holding positive memories of this person somehow makes you feel disloyal to your own mother or father. You are brave to keep working at regaining your memories and feelings. Does your T have any suggestions for how to regain the memories? Also, everyone has a skewed memory of events. Your friend may have her own memories but not know the "full story" of your relationship with this person. It could be that your memories are indeed quite accurate.
__________________
"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships."
  #8  
Old Feb 15, 2008, 03:03 PM
chaotic13's Avatar
chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,747
Thanks for explaining Perna. While digging around in your past, were you ever able to retrieve more complete independent memories of your Dad between 5-42? Or have they remained tainted and mixed up with by the conflicts and turmoil of your relationship with your Stepmother?

Junerain, thanks for your comments. I wish there were people to ask, now that I am more engaged and have questions, unfortunately that is not possible in this situation.

Sunrise, maybe it is hard for me to deal with conflicting memories and feelings. I've spent most of my life mastering the ability to detach from my emotions, maybe this is just some phase of trying to reintegrate some pieces. This has been a weird process. For a while I've been able to remember things kind of like in the form of silent movie clips. I could remember things but the corresponding soundtrack (feelings and emotions) were not accessible. I've been really trying to retrieve the feelings and emotions that went with them. Put they just don't make sense, are skewed, jumbled or all tangled together. I know our minds make weird associations and connection, so maybe this is part of the process. Like Mouse said maybe I just need time to sort things out.

I just feel like there are whole chunks missing and the emotional pieces is out of sync. I like an accurate picture and soundtrack of this relationship.
__________________
"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)
  #9  
Old Feb 15, 2008, 03:18 PM
Perna's Avatar
Perna Perna is offline
Pandita-in-training
 
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
Posts: 27,289
I had dinner every night with my Dad (0-21 :-) and lots of time with him but nothing much memorable happened. There's nothing really to recover? The one or two largest memories are when he was away 8 months when I was 7 and 8 and he came back and I was sure it wasn't him :-) I sat while my older brothers, stepsister and stepmother were all excited to see him when he got home but I was sure he was an imposter, he didn't look like anyone I knew. He had gifts for me though so I finally gave in Digging around in the past, coming up empty Another memory I have is when we worked together during the summers when I was in college and one day we were leaving (carpooled together, just he and I) it started to rain and my 58 or so year old father started jogging to the car! I'd never remembered seeing him ever break stride and I was startled to see him running instead of just hunkering down and walking faster or something.

But I don't think there's a whole lot to remember about anyone where there's not any exotic events? Think of your elementary school teachers with whom you were stuck with for 6 hours a day 5 days a week for 9 months; 1080 hours. What do you remember of any of those individuals? 1 or 2 startling events probably that stick out for you where they individually expressed an emotion to or about you (yelled at you, praised you, etc.). Most things happen around us instead of to us. We don't remember the around stuff I don't think, just the stuff that is about us personally. My mother died when I was 3 and I have a memory from before she died but I have no memory of my mother. Probably because it's harder for real young people without words to have memories since they require words but also, she was "there", sick or watching me but not the two of us interacting together with both of us "on the same page" as they say in therapy.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius
  #10  
Old Feb 15, 2008, 03:36 PM
chaotic13's Avatar
chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,747
Thanks Perna, Maybe I'm just trying to remember a lasting and profound connection that should have been there, but for whatever reason simply wasn't. Maybe I just need to stop asking why it's missing and simply let it go. Not like it really matters now anyway.

Thanks
__________________
"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)
  #11  
Old Feb 15, 2008, 04:02 PM
Perna's Avatar
Perna Perna is offline
Pandita-in-training
 
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
Posts: 27,289
I would look at the word "profound". What are you expecting of this relationship? Our expectations are a form of feeling and can tell us about what might be going on. Maybe look at the word "should" too, there are no shoulds in feelings.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius
  #12  
Old Feb 15, 2008, 07:16 PM
chaotic13's Avatar
chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,747
Thanks again Perna. I think I will see if I can answer the, what was i expecting to find evidence of in remembering this relationship but haven't? And, why do I think I should have found it? Then maybe also look at, why is this seem important now?

Thanks again
__________________
"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)
  #13  
Old Feb 15, 2008, 07:37 PM
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
you guys will have to forgive me if i am jumping ahead or rehashing stuff.. i don't have as much time to read the whole thread and i so badly want to help if i can...

sweetie.. tell me, this squeezing out of the good feelings.. it is not unique, no? forgive me and correct me should i be wrong.. but i am inclined to think this may be a self punishment sort of behaviour. Perhaps you are, or have in the past, been removing the good feelings from things, people and events. Maybe you shove them away, maybe you skew the memory.. who knows? But you may be doing these things for many reasons.. not feeling like you are lovable or deserving of love for example. Does this make any sense?

if any of this is true.. it could go a long way to explaining why you have so much trouble with good feelings now.. yes?

maybe you have been conditioned to filter out the good, leaving the bad, and then have grown to further perfect that process

just a thought

sending fresh baked cake.. because there ain't nothing better than cake Digging around in the past, coming up empty
  #14  
Old Feb 16, 2008, 06:53 PM
chaotic13's Avatar
chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,747
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your comments. I journaled a lot last night trying to figure out why some memories may be missing, what I was hoping to find in the past, why, etc. Mostly just nonsense came out but there were some feelings that surfaced too. Not sure what it all really means but, its a start.

Between this thread, journaling, and watching 10 Items or Less I feel a lot better today so---I must have released something. I really like Morgan Freeman.

I just wanted to say Thanks to everyone.
__________________
"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)
  #15  
Old Feb 16, 2008, 06:58 PM
Perna's Avatar
Perna Perna is offline
Pandita-in-training
 
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
Posts: 27,289
Thanks for mentioning 10 Items or Less, looks good (I just bought it from Amazon :-)
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius
  #16  
Old Feb 16, 2008, 07:17 PM
sunrise's Avatar
sunrise sunrise is offline
Legendary
 
Member Since: Jan 2007
Location: U.S.
Posts: 10,383
McKell, I am all alone this weekend and was thinking of renting a vid tonight. I think I will look for 10 items or Less. Thanks for the suggestion!

McKell, the thoughts you have raised about the whys of selective memories have become a topic in my own journaling. I am seeing that in my own memories too, of positive ones that I should have, but are somehow missing. Digging around in the past, coming up empty My journal is my friend.
__________________
"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships."
  #17  
Old Feb 16, 2008, 08:20 PM
chaotic13's Avatar
chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,747
I also rented 48 Angels too. This one was just OK. Last weekend I rented The Ultimate Gift, I really liked that one.

I've been on a spirituality kick lately. Probably because I've been thinking a lot about my mom.
__________________
"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)
  #18  
Old Feb 17, 2008, 05:57 PM
Kiya's Avatar
Kiya Kiya is offline
Legendary
 
Member Since: Oct 2007
Location: Out of my mind...back in 5 min.
Posts: 10,370
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Junerain said:
In the movie White Oleander, which I recommend, Allison Lohman keeps drawing a picture of a beautiful woman, yet she cannot for the life of her figure out who she was!!! In the end of the movie, she confronts her mother for the truths of her life that were kept hidden from her......who her father was, why her Mom committed murder,( that's a stretch that one) and then, the name came to her of the beautiful woman she was drawing, she said Mother who's Annie, with long dark curly hair.......her mother admitted to leaving her daughter with a neighbor for ten months while she frolicked on the beach with a lover.......so the lady was a babysitter, a caretaker!! Perhaps you aren't suppressing something good on purpose but you were just so young....you cannot remember....it must feel like, geez, I wish I knew!! At least you know you have at least one good feeling from your past, right? Could you ask your parents for more background on your past? Look through old photo albums? You may have already done that...as you say you have had much introspection, much journaling, and much disclosing......kudos to you for doing all that......good luck in your search, the best search, the ongoing search.......of WHO YOU ARE.................... Digging around in the past, coming up empty

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

a very good point!
__________________
Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image.



Digging around in the past, coming up emptyalt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
  #19  
Old Feb 17, 2008, 10:11 PM
sunrise's Avatar
sunrise sunrise is offline
Legendary
 
Member Since: Jan 2007
Location: U.S.
Posts: 10,383
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mckell13 said:
Between this thread, journaling, and watching 10 Items or Less I feel a lot better today so---I must have released something. I really like Morgan Freeman.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
McKell, I watched 10 Items or Less last night and loved it! Morgan Freeman was so in the moment and able to connect so well with everyone around him. (I am envious!) What an interesting idea to make a movie of this. His parting at the end with his Spanish companion of the day reminded me of the therapeutic relationship. He said, "We're never going to see each other again," and she said, "I know," and they had such joy. They had been able to live in the moment and take a lot from their one day relationship even knowing it would be over at the end of the day. They didn't hold back from fully living with each other just because they knew it would end soon. I really liked this movie!
__________________
"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships."
  #20  
Old Feb 18, 2008, 01:12 AM
chaotic13's Avatar
chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,747
It is interesting you said that about the therapeutic relationship.

I thought the ending was cool too. I thought at first he was going to ask her into his house.You get so used to relationships in the movies turning sexual. I'm glad it didn't. However, I think if I were her, I would have wanted an on-going friendship. Being able to live in the moment and then repeating it again and again. That would be the ultimate life.

I thought the opening scene in the grocery store was so funny. I think what I liked most was that Morgan Freeman's character wasn't a hero. He was simply a person who was open and gave his undivided attention to people. Didn't rush in to protect her. Just gave her is full attention, support, and acceptance. He really didn't want anything in return.

Makes you wonder, if you were the checkout girl and he approached you. Would you have engaged him and went with it? Or would you have left him to find his own way home? Or called the police because you assumed he was a freak?

I wonder how many quality interactions I miss simply because of fear.

Did you ever read the book Tuesdays with Morrie. That's another guy I would have liked to meet. Unfortunately, I would have likely thought he was a freak too or wanted something from me. I'm polite to people but I certainly send clear messages that my personal space is off limits. Probably why I have so much stuff bottled up inside dying to get out.
__________________
"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)
  #21  
Old Feb 21, 2008, 02:54 PM
Perna's Avatar
Perna Perna is offline
Pandita-in-training
 
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
Posts: 27,289
I watched 10 Items or Less last night and enjoyedit but didn't care for the ending that much. I didn't like that she was far from home, had no home or job, etc. Yes she had a better attitude about herself and she was strong before and after but. . . she was all in her head and that doesn't get you a job or place to stay. She had her car but who was paying for all that gas? It was a good 3+ hours drive, afternoon to night, probably at least 150-200 miles? He bought her clothes with the Diner's Club card in Target and car wash, food, etc.

I didn't want them to have more of a relationship, liked that Morgan had a wife and kids he loved. The whole pact thing at the end just made it all seem strange rather than "natural". I would have had her give a clue that she was going to a friend's, cousins, somewhere or that she'd been to that city before where he lived and knew someone or somewhere to go, etc.

I kept feeling a discrepancy between Morgan's not working for 4 years and his "wealth" and having agents and a nice house and able to support wife and kids, etc. His $100 teeshirt in Target and worries about not working and nobody noticing if he disappeared didn't quite jive for me. And I didn't get the movie reference where he was in dressed as a female? Was that a spoof on Tootsie and Dustin Hoffman or Robin Williams and Mrs. Doubtfire?
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius
Reply
Views: 1095

attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
empty Der_Sohn_des_Leides Depression 17 Jun 10, 2008 03:28 AM
Updates. Digging myself out. Connections. pinksoil Psychotherapy 10 Feb 14, 2008 09:43 AM
past job, past relationship asylumgardens Anxiety, Panic and Phobias 6 Jun 12, 2007 10:32 PM
Why am I empty now? phillygirl Depression 10 Nov 28, 2006 01:40 AM
empty sammi Depression 1 Aug 29, 2006 08:59 PM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:22 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.