[Waterbear]

Just hoping for some input on something I experienced today for the first time in over six years of therapy. My T said something, though neither of us can remember exactly what, it was something about me talking about things, that just caused the strangest reaction from me. My whole body tensed up, feet, legs, bum, shoulders, arms went in the air and the words 'f*** off' came out of my mouth, almost strangled though. I'd been thinking those words for the last half hour, and I often do when dealing with this stuff, but never in a million years would I have said it like I truly meant it, like that.

As soon as I had said it, I turned right away, and felt remorse. Said I was sorry, and slowly but surely tried to relax of the tensed muscles.

But it's left me feeling really unnerved. T said it didn't sound like me when I said it, and it didn't feel like me, either, though I know it was.

Anyone felt or experienced a reaction like that before? Is it more normal than it feels? Maybe it's just those hidden parts of me finally feeling a tiny bit safer and that they can be seen?

[LonesomeTonight]

I don't know much about parts, but sounds like it could have been that? Or that you were very triggered, and your body went into fight/flight/freeze mode. Or having a flashback of some sort (I guess that fits in with triggered) and were reacting to that rather than actually to your T? Seems like something to explore with her for sure.

[ElectricManatee]

I haven't had anything quite this intense happen, but my body definitely reacts in all sorts of unpredictable ways when stuff is reactivated during EMDR. It seems like a sign that you're touching on something important. I'm glad that you and your T are both curious about it rather than freaked out.

[Waterbear]

Thanks LT and EM. I get triggered into the freeze response often, but never like this before. Normally I just turn away and shut down, but we have been working hard on noticing that and slowly bringing me back into the room. My dissociation seems to have got much better over the year we've been working together, which is good, and she was pleased I 'felt able' to say those words to her. Said I had no reason to be sorry. I think she sees this as a sign of progress, so I guess I should too!

And I've never really been in touch with my body much, so I guess it might be that it feels strange to react physically, because I'm not so used to it.

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate it! I think definitely something to think about with my T

I did somatic therapy for several years and this is exactly the kind of experience we would explore - how the body holds tension, how the body gets stuck, and how allowing the body to complete its traumatic process can allow release and subsequent relief. Completing processes was always a really slow and careful piece of work. You mention your voice and that's interesting because I did a lot of work around my throat and mouth - how I can hurt with my words and this is where a lot of my nastiness is held and then spat out. And is also the site where I would get recurring physical infections. So it might be parts - I am sure that some parts can be more associated with different somatic experiences - and it might also be your body communicating about trauma.

[Waterbear]

Thank you so much Comrade, that's really useful to read. Please may I ask how you complete a process. I'm guessing just a lot of work with someone who knows what they are doing? My T said today this could take a long time, and I fear she is right, but also glad to hear her say that in a way because she isn't trivialising what is going ok for me. I think for me, the strangled voice is about me being silenced, before. Having never spoken about any of it. Being told what would happen if I did, maybe. Feeling voiceless for so many years.

[AnaWhitney]

I totally relate to the strangled voice thing. I used to feel like I was being strangled but from the inside if I tried to speak, not just for uncomfortable topics but also in times where I needed to stand up for myself but I wouldn’t be able to make a sound. My T said something before that is was from being silenced.

Could your thing have been a flashback?

[Brown Owl 2]

I can relate a little bit. I used to have moments where my arms and legs went in the air. When I googled it, it was suggested that it’s related to the baby startle reflex. It’s stopped happening to me now, but sometimes my arms still jerk a bit. The answers I found were in an article about late onset Tourette’s. I’m not suggesting you have that. But one possibility is that your experience has a similarity. For me, I figured that when I was a baby I felt unsafe, possibly was startled (in a way that was akin to trauma).

[*Beth*]

Honestly, it sounds like a really good thing to me, Waterbear. I find that when I just allow the words and gestures (body language) flow is when I'm feel the least defensive, most trusting, and that's when the best work gets done in therapy.